Sunday, January 3, 2010


I’m sore. I’m wondering if I’ll ever feel like a human being again. And then I do some physio and I feel better, but I don’t do it everyday because it’s too much of a hassle. Much more of a hassle as having your body yell at you for letting it get stiffened up? It feels so good afterwards, why don’t I do this all the time?

I am uncomfortable. I’m not happy with the way things are going and if I have learned one thing it is that when I’m not happy with how I am, I have to change the way I act. I could take much better care of myself and I don’t because sometimes I don’t care. Sometimes I’m just tired. Sometimes I’m just lazy. Then I look at my body and I want to die because I’ve ruined it. I have to take getting my body back much more seriously, because I can’t do what people traditionally do to lose weight. No weight training, no endurance training, just diet and some biking.

Will it be worth all this effort? I have no fucking idea. I don’t know, but right now I’m thinking that it’s the process that means more than the actual outcome.

I’m having a lot of vestibular ataxia lately and being nauseous all the time from the resulting vertigo is getting a little old. I do hope the physiotherapist can put something together for me that will help me treat this and make it go away.

This is how insidious MS is. It creeps into your life just one crappy, rather small symptom at a time. Numb fingers, tingly toes, tripping over lines of latitude, bumping into the corners of desks or catching door jams in the shoulder; one of these things would be insignificant and easily ignored. all of them are annoying and constant reminders that I’m not right and I never will be. Even as I type this, my right thumb is losing feeling off and on. My left toes are tingling like little shocks you get from licking a 9 volt battery are rushing through the bottom of my feet. My wrists will hurt at some point today. They hurt with short, sharp pains off and on for most of the day, most days of the week.

It feels like the year doesn't start until tomorrow. I'm cautiously optimistic about 2010 but that's mostly the anti-depressants talking. I have reset a 101/1001 list for January 1, 2010 to September 28, 2012. I'm not sharing the list publicly because much of the list is highly personal or horribly tedious. But less than 3 days in I've kept up with what I wanted to do. I've even completed one thing.

I quit smoking because Joe thought I couldn't do it. My single resolution for 2010 is this.

I will not be in the same place I am now on December 31, 2010.

"You must do the thing you think you cannot do." --- Eleanor Roosevelt

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