Sunday, June 5, 2011

Mi amore vole fe

What do I want? I am far more certain of what I don’t want. What little I do know I want are small victories or pie-in-the-sky outlandish, never to really happen dreams.

One of the small victories I want would be to have then spastic tension in my left calf let go for just a day.

One of my pie-in-the-sky outlandish dreams is to write a memoir worth reading that won’t make what’s left of my family angry at me or get me sued.

I want to be able to smell coffee without wanting to puke, but I also dream of winning the lottery and living it up.

I want to know what the future would be like if I didn’t have MS. I dream of the day when MS is cured and I can stop holding my breath, waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

I want to have a spontaneous memory of my past that does not include an anxiety attack. I dream of the day when I can afford to have my hair, nails and toes done, brows and a wax job all in the same month. That dream seems pretty out there right now. I have expensive maintenance costs.

I want to be joyful a little more often. I dream that the next time my grandma sees me she will remember me. I want to be more creative on a daily basis, but I dream of being able to dance again.

I want to know what I am good at and I dream of the day when that is obvious. I want to show the world that logic isn’t terrifying. I dream of a day when all my friends are equal in the eyes of the law in every country around the world.

I want the day to come when I am able to stop making lists. I dream of the day when I am able to get through a day without forgetting something important.

I want to quit my job. I dream of the day when I own a real sofa. With cushions and stuff. I want to get more out of what little time I have. I dream of the day when I have enough energy to even attempt to take advantage of that time.

I want the Montreal Canadiens to win the Cup next year. I dream of the TD Garden and the Wells Fargo Center blowing up and taking their respective teams with them. (Not the players... but the buildings and franchises.) (Well, maybe some of the players.) (And Bobby Clarke... and hopefully Garry Bettman is visiting.)

I mostly want security; a most likely scenario going forward that gives me the odds on what kind of life I am going to end up with. I want to love my life and dream of knowing for certain what I am meant to do. I want to continue to love Joe.

I want to believe in myself. I want to believe that if I were tested I would stick with my values. I want to believe that there are few things worth dying for and that if I was faced with them, I would. I want to believe that I am a person of character. I want to believe that my personality doesn’t sell out my character.

I dream of loving my life.
(love needs faith)

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