Monday, December 13, 2010

Been avoiding this post

Look at the date.

Now look at the name of this blog.

Now back to the date.

Now back to the title.

This is the date that your blog would be titled if you were me and you had been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis on 12 December 2008.

So, yeah. It's my MS-a-versary. Two years.

Not as angry as I was, but still very, very angry.

Still not okay. Still very depressed. Still very much aware that my life has been limited by my disease and my future.

I have two of the three "worst-case scenario" symptoms. If I end up with uncontrollable nerve pain, please someone kill me. I've lost my memory and *TMI WARNING* consistent control of my bladder (yeah, you needed to know that!) so all I need to be is constant pain to have no real reason to go on living.

I'm in the testing phase with a urologist and depending on the outcome of a bladder function test in January we'll know if it can be treated.

I spend a great deal of my day being ashamed and embarrassed. I've barely told Joe about this. Thankfully he's been busy, busy, busy with school for three months so barely talking to him or seeing him helps cut back in the potential for embarrassing moments with my malfunctioning organs.

Two years with this disease and I still feel like I've been robbed. I'm now fairly certain that isn't going to change. I still know that it could be worse. I'm acutely aware that it probably will get worse. And no, I'm not grateful that it's not worse now. The more I have now means I will have more to lose later. I am pretty sure I don't want to lose any more than I already have.

I would have killed myself 18 months ago if Joe hadn't told me he was sticking it out when I asked him if he wanted to leave. The promises and commitments I made to Joe when we decided to get married a little less than 6 years ago are the only thing that keeps me from killing myself now. My husband is the best husband in the history of all husbands and as such deserves a much better life. I'm doing everything in my power to make sure that happens for him.

At two and half years after my first symptoms, this is the best I can do. Under my old standards, it's not good enough or enough effort. I know this when I look around my house and take stock of my life, but then I remember that MS means I have to not set the bar so high.

That's what this second year with MS has been all about... lowering my expectations. I'm never going to finish what I start or keep up with my own standards.

Maybe if I just start accepting that I won't feel like a failure every single day of my life.


  1. I don't know if this will make you feel better or not but I am 9 years in with MS and today I am very jealous of you because of your wonderful Joe.

  2. It always makes me feel better to be reminded about Joe. I can't believe how fortunate I am.