Sunday, June 27, 2010


My brainz don't feel so good.

The physical symptoms are easy to ignore these days, but having a thought or memory is becoming increasingly difficult.

Apparently, there's nothing they can do... I just have teh dum.

I'm pretty sure that this is now the worst thing about MS now that the fatigue isn't an issue. I find it difficult to live like this and be at all interested in life or the world around me.

I am seriously considering giving up the news and my twitter account because I can't think logically or critically about the world around me. I can't focus long enough to read more than a few paragraphs out of a book. I can't put coherent sentences together; often putting different tenses and switching from the first person to the third person and back again in the same sentence or paragraph. I'm so tired of feeling stupid all the fucking time.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Is the deal with MS that you either get to walk straight or think straight but never both at the same time?

I have had all sorts of cognitive and memory stuff going on that's driving me crazy.

I've also had all manner of emotional issues as well; crying when I can't solve a puzzle, I hear a particular song or trip on my left foot.

I know that I am not in my right mind, and it's driving me batshit crazy.

So, on July 17 I'm throwing myself an Ultimate Dance Party post-afternoon burgers, dogs and sangria birthday party.

If you're in Vancouver, you should come.

Monday, June 7, 2010


Random strangers often comment on my public transit cane, and immediately start recommending a acupuncturist/therapeutic touch practitioner/ear candler/what ever kind of whatever that saved their lives. When I say "I have MS, that probably isn't going to help me." they all put on this sad frown and say "Oh, that's too bad. You look so good though!"

You. Look. So. Good.

The four words I fucking can't stand any more. They rank right up there with

It could be worse.


Look on the brightside. (Okay, that's five words and I cheated. Fucking sue me.)

What I really want to say is

"WHAT the fuck did you think someone with MS should look like?"

but what comes out is

"Thank you."

I think I make Joe uncomfortable with my cavalier attitude about future disability.

I often say things like "That'll give you practice for when I can no longer lift my arms." or "I think I should get a scooter now to practice for the wheelchair I'm going to end up in."

I'm trying to be realistic about this. While it's certainly not guaranteed, it's not outside the realm of possibility.

I'm okay with this bit of information. Novantrone (mitoxantrone) saved my life and having a 0.8% chance of leukemia is way better than the alternative.

I suddenly got really bored of this so I quit.

Saturday, June 5, 2010

One foot in front of the other.

I have been walking around the block on my lunch hours for the past two weeks. At first I thought it was because of my pathological fear of getting obese, but I realize that there is a greater benefit.

My nerve fatigue in my left leg rarely happens anymore. I can easily get around two square blocks at a pretty good speed without it happening, and then make it up three flights of stairs up to my office.

I've been doing physiotherapy exercises throughout the day, going to see Ray "Magic Hands" Ranger on Thursdays for $15.75 massage therapy, walking every day, and watching what I eat (I try to make 50% of what I eat each day fresh fruit and vegetables) and the strength in my leg nerves is improving.

I walked the two blocks around my office on my lunch hour, worked the rest of the day, met Joe for some dinner and then about 8 PM walked several more blocks to the hardware store for some items to fix up the apartment tomorrow and I made it with no nerve fatigue.

I still feel like I'm talking like a three year-old who's learned not to shit her pants anymore, but what the hell.

I still don't trust my body. I know that it will betray me when I least suspect it. But it's nice to know that I've got a pretty good chance of being able to get myself into a position where I can call for help when it does.

The Copaxone has left me feeling like I've been running into a lot of door frames and table corners, along with these strange itchy lumps two or three days after shooting into my arms. The other parts of my body don't seem to react like that. My Copaxone nurse doesn't think it's anything to worry about and it will probably stop in the next month.

Whatevs... I'm not getting sicker so I guess it's doing something.

This weekend is going to be productive. It has to be, because the last two have been anything but.

Now I'm going to get in my pjs, have a CC and CCZ, and do some prioritization for tomorrow.


Go me.

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Because I have the gift of literacy...

...I have a column in a legit online publication.

Odd how that happened, but I think I am glad that I did.

For now. We'll see when next Sunday rolls around and all I've got is "This is shit." repeated 1500 times.