As promised... Fuck This Shit

If you were reading last week, the title of this post means that I didn't get the job.

For the fourth time, it's come down to me and one other person and I wasn't "the right fit".

So that's it. We're done.

This decision was made weeks ago, contingent on this one last job prospect. Now that I have failed, there's only one choice. Joe and I will be leaving Vancouver at some point after April 20 and before April 30. There's no reason to stay.

For 48 weeks I have been unable to secure long-term, somewhat secure, non-exploitive employment. We've spent our savings, we've maxed-out our credit cards, and now we are almost out of Employment Insurance. We have no prospects. We're at the brink of poverty.

Joe has a plan for his further education that he'll be happy to share with you if he knows you.

I have no plan.

For the second time in my life I'm taking this absolute leap of faith and hoping for a survivable landing in a place I have never really been, pretty much sight unseen. I am unconvinced this the right thing, I just know that it's the only thing Joe can do, and I might as well go along for the ride.

***

That said, if we own something that you want, it's yours for $20 OBO. We are only taking our clothes, laptops, and a few personal items. Everything else must go. If it can't be donated or recycled, it is going in landfill.

***

I want to be full of foot-stompin' rage right now, but I just don't have it in me at this moment. I feel so defeated, rejected, and hopeless. Vancouver has made it clear that there is no place for me here, so all I can do is hope that something will be different somewhere else.

***

This is all I have to say about this right now. I'll be back shortly to vent my spleen about my experience with this city.

Too Much Hope

Trying not to hope too much.

I had a job interview today for a job I really want, in an industry I have been trying to get into for years, with a company that seems stable and doesn't seem to exploit their workforce, and has at least two people I think are hilarious working for them at present.

I really want the job. I don't want to want it this much, because I can't take much more rejection in this world.

***

I want something to be certain. I have nothing certain in my life. I want one thing other than my husband to rely on for just one day. That's all I want right now.

***

Bob Rae keeps sending me emails asking me to register to vote for the next Liberal Party of Canada leadership, because I subscribed as a supporter.

Justin, Mark, Martin, and George definitely do not have my vote. Not under any circumstances.

For that reason I am thinking about not bothering to register, because I don't support any of the candidates that are currently likely to win, and I won't support any party that has any one of those people as leader. The two candidates that I do really like won't win and if they became leader they'd never win LeaderOp, much less the governing party.

But I won't vote NDP, and I'll never be a Conservative, so the LPC will likely get my vote.

But they will not get my time or my money.

***

"The Following" is such an intense show. Took me over an hour to get over the anxiety.

Barf

That's what waiting makes me feel like.

Tea and crackers is all I can stomach.

Job hunting makes me feel like my entire worth as a human being is being judged. It makes me physically ill.

I have these two opportunities hanging over my head and, now that I've had two days to obsess over every word and every mannerism I displayed, I have convinced myself that I didn't get either job.

Barf.

***

BUT, my website is just a few days away from public consumption.

I'm completely unsure of myself now. I look at the people I have put on my notification mailing list and think, oooh, that person is going to judge me. That person will think this is stupid. Those people will think I'm dumb. That person will unsubscribe. That other person will wonder why I think I can do this.

I question myself every minute now, all because a pair of job interviews have got me off my game.

I hate my brain.

More progress?

FINALLY, I have an actual, sit down, in-person job interview. It happens on Tuesday afternoon.

I'm really excited about other things I am doing to improve my lot. If you're friends with me on Facebook you'll hear all about it, but I won't be sharing any of it here. I am going to try to keep my words separate.

***

I've been having an old familiar symptom. I don't know that it's related to MS, but it is DEFINITELY related to not having a job.

I get anxiety every time I leave the house. It feels like I'm doing something wrong or I'm going somewhere I shouldn't. It's crazy, I know. But I think it's related to the fact that almost every time I leave the house I have to spend money, money that I can ill afford to spend until I get a job.

It makes me think of this Cracked.com article - The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor.

Let me preface this by saying that I did not grow up poor, but I have been living by various means on my own since I was around 17 years old. I've been broke or close to broke for 20 years, with only a few months respite here and there.

"#1. You Only Spend with the Short Term in Mind" is the one thing that I have a bad habit of doing. It drives me crazy. Joe does it too. It also drives me crazy. But I think it's that mindset that causes my anxiety.

And knowing is half the battle. Or something.

***

I remain hopeful that my life changes next week, but I am not confident. This crazy job market is quickly beating me down. We'll see how it all goes.

That time of year.

It is December. It's around this time of year that I start pawing through my notes, scribblings, ranting and ravings of the past 11 months to see what I was thinking, where I was hoping to be at this time, and discover just how miserably I have failed myself.

December is like a month of Mondays.

I came within three breaths of quitting my job today to go and file a human rights complaint. This man is clearly out of his element in the modern world. While I generally respect my elders, I do not respect anyone who screams and yells when they don't like what they are being told - like the truth is some sort of conspiracy designed by lazy, incompetent people to keep him from having what he wants. I have had two double vodkas, a lovely meal of lobster ravioli and my Habs won 5-1 over the Devils but still my heart is pounding under a chest so heavy it feels as though a small child is standing on it.

The good news is tomorrow is Friday. Saturday I have brow, hair and nail appointments. I only need to buy two more gifts and I am done shopping. Joe is buying his own present and taking care of his dad's present. I am in charge of my mum, his mum and my dad. My Sunday trip to GotCraft? should take care of our collective mums. Mmm, crafts.

Since we only have to buy 4 gifts, xmas ain't that complicated or even expensive around here. Since I don't believe in god, there's no tree, decorations or cards either. Just Chinese food on xmas day. My favourite seasonal song is "Dick in a Box", for the record.

This post doesn't really have an ending.

Not Negotiable

By September 15, 2010 I wish to have the following:

1. A 1 bedroom apartment,

2. SouthNorth of Kingsway,

3. West of Victoria,

4. NorthSouth of 1st.,

5. East of Main, and

6. For $900 a month or less or $1000 a month for all utilities included.

How hard can that be?

According to Craigslist, pretty fucking hard.

It's true that I don't have to be out of my apartment until October 31, 2010, but if we're out by September 30, he'll give us September's rent back. That means we get a cheque for almost two grand on the day we move out when you include the eviction penalty and our security deposit IF we can get out of here by September 30.

The thing of it is, September 30 is the day we fly to Toronto to be back in Ontario in time for my cousin Angela's wedding. We need the place for September 15.

We've lived in this place for five years. We've got good references and I'm fully and completely employed and, if I might add, Joe and I are a lovely couple who work hard and pay our bills.

We've been informed that we were only one of several people who applied for that apartment on the corner we so coveted and also the landlords won't call back if we aren't the chosen ones. The property manager went so far as to say if we hadn't heard by tonight we didn't get it.

The time now is 19:51 PST. We're banking on the fact that we didn't get it.

I'm freaking out. I'd have another drink or 12, but I am a responsible adult who has to work in the morning.

Edited to fix the absolute physical impossibility that happens when you mix up north and south.

Update.

Went for my three month follow up after starting Copaxone.

I have regained about 95% of what I lost during my first relapse. That's the great news.

My coordination is improving, I have more vestibular training to do in order to get the most out of yoga and pilates and some kinetic training to improve my cardio on the bike. My optic nerve is healing and my strength is improving on my left side. I can walk straight, walk on my toes and walk on my heels. I can stand with my legs together, arms straight out and close my eyes. I am sleeping 6 to 8 hours a night and still functioning in my day. I'm still having an unpleasant symptom that makes me feel awful about myself, but I'm not likely to get an answer on this until late this year or early in the new year because it's not something that is going to kill me. I have minimal spasticity remaining in my left leg. I am still getting nerve fatigue but she couldn't wear it out in a 15 minute test like she could last year.

I have to see the Copaxone nurse because some of my bruises have turned into spider veins which is not cool.

Since I don't have anything "interesting" going on, I won't get another MRI until A) I have a significant relapse or B) have one considered in three years. Which is good, because I don't see the point of doing an MRI on someone who is, for all intents and purposes, healthy.

I am really enjoying the Ativan. Really enjoying to the point where I think it might be wise to take the weekend off because this feeling of absolutely not giving a shit about anything can be quite habit forming. It's just so good.

And 30 of them only cost $11. Even without Fair Pharmacare I'd totally put the money out for that.

Following up with the Neuro in February 2011, after checking in with my annual poke n' prod at the family doctor and the MS neuro-psychiatrist in September.

Considering asking my family doctor to send me for a consult with a reconstructive surgeon because I would LOVE to get rid of these breasts of mine. My back, neck and shoulders are just killing me even with good, properly fitted bras. But it's still under consideration.

After those two appointments I will have a more accurate picture of what it is I need to do to save my own life.

But for now, I'm going to consider what to do this weekend since my house has been neglected for more than three weeks and that makes me feel awful about myself too.