Sunday, June 23, 2013


It is 10:00 PM. It *feels* like 35C. That's 95F. It's fucking terrible.

It's been like this for two days.

I am living in my bedroom with the window unit air conditioner, except when I want to use the internet. That can only be done from the living room, because that's where the wi-fi signal works. Internet is intensely complicated here... so long story short; we only have internet in the living room.

My vision is out of whack, I'm constantly dizzy, and I'm ANGRY ALL OF THE TIME.

Joe's cooking dinner (yes, at 10 PM.) and once I eat I'm going to take the coldest shower I can stand, put on a tshirt, and lay in bed until I fall asleep.

It's cool enough in there that I will know I can sleep.

I hate this. I hate this weather with the white hot intensity of one thousand suns.

I can't function. I can only leave the house if I am going somewhere that is climate controlled. I alternate in 20 minute spells of being in the bedroom and then trying to do something in the rest of the apartment, or being online, for 20 minutes.

It's not working well, because I can rarely do 20 minutes in the heat.

It is at times like these that I question our decision to move. This weather is TERRIBLE for people with heat sensitivity.

What's worse, my cooling devices don't really work in humidity.

I had a long, detailed rant about how much I hate everything, but I've had to stop and start this so many times that I have forgotten what it is. Suffice it to say that I am really unhappy about a lot of things, and this bullshit weather is only amplifying my distaste for life.


I have now eaten. I'm getting in the shower. Fuck this day. Fuck this weather.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Trigger Warning

Today, a friend posted a status update about the wrongness of a feminist infographic (like this one, though I don't know that it was the exact one he was talking about) that stated Ada Lovelace invented the computer, and Hedy Lamarr invented Bluetooth (also wi-fi).

These statements are factually untrue, yet both women made contributions toward what eventually became computers and Bluetooth (and wi-fi).

A woman, angry at feminists for being too lazy to explain the facts behind these claims, decided to make it about feminists wanting to keep up a phony narrative. Someone else argued that it was probably because the real answers were longer, and more science-y, than would fit their narrative (or their truncated infographic).

Because of this (rather dumb) shorthand, this woman decreed:

"and this is why modern feminists need to be round up and shot squarely in the forehead."
At the risk of being called "overly-sensitive" or any other bullshit derogatory you can manage to associate with being a feminist, I said something. And it started with, "fuck you."

I'm tired of invoking the threat of violence against women, and I find it particularly loathsome coming from a woman.

And the way she worded it... well, it reminded me of this:

He began his attack by entering a classroom at the university, where he separated the male and female students. After claiming that he was "fighting feminism", he shot all nine women in the room, killing six. He then moved through corridors, the cafeteria, and another classroom, specifically targeting women to shoot. Overall, he killed fourteen women and injured ten other women and four men in just under twenty minutes before turning the gun on himself.

That happened when I was 15 years old. I have called myself a feminist since that day. Women were round up and shot for being feminist, even though their only feminist "crime" was enrolling in engineering school. Almost all of the dead and injured women did not identify as feminist. They just wanted to go to school.

As I have come to read more and more feminist scholarship by white women studying intersectionality, women of colour and queer and trans* feminists, I have made it my duty in life to speak out more, to defend the label more, and to let everyone know that advocating violence against ANYONE is not cool.

I fail, a lot. There are some times, and some days, where I would love to give the Women-hating-Republican-who-knows-what's-best-for-vaginas-Of-The-Day a good swift kick in the scrotum. But I don't kick anyone. And I rarely say it out loud. And that's the best I can do, until I find some further Zen-like state. I'm not actually looking for that state, so I don't see that happening.

When I said, as politely as I could at this point, that I was not interested in associating myself with someone who advocates violence against women, she called me some names (including "screeching hole"), said that I was using her statements about violence to not face the real issue [which is feminists lie to justify their continued existence (I think?)]. Then she posted a photo of a woman with her fingers in her ears and eyes closed in the "I'm not listening" pose.

So it comes down to this.

1. I think that over-stating the achievements of women to maintain a "women are awesome" narrative is wrong. Absolutely.

2. I think that rounding up anyone and shooting them in the forehead for ANY reason, including treason and wearing Crocs, is wrong. Absolutely.

3. I think that I have a responsibility to try to be an ally to women, and I fail at it all the time when confronted by women who don't want me as an ally. Call it internalized misogyny or just being a contrarian- but whatever it is I decided that moving on is better than getting into an internet pissing match.

Feminism is a choice to recognize the full humanity of all people. Fuck gender bullshit. Fuck violence. Fuck sexual politics. Fuck rape culture. Fuck unexamined white privilege.

Fuck hate.

Monday, June 10, 2013


Why do ALL of my great ideas require $1,000 to put into motion?

Had this great plan a week ago, now I find I don't qualify because I'm not a Ontario registered business with an HST number. And I have to sign a year contract.

I could be an Ontario registered business and go through with the plan if I had about $1,000.

I have this opportunity to become a sales consultant for products I really love but I need $150 for start up costs, and another $300 to get into some vendor fairs over the summer. Even if I don't sell a single one, the products I get in the starter kit are worth it to me.

I've been networking once a week at a cost of at least $20 per event, I think I've spent over $100 just trying to meet people who might hire me. I'm wondering now if it has been totally wasted, because I haven't had a second look from anyone, except for the people who want to sell me what they are selling.

I just want to make the rent, that's all.

It has been raining solid here all day, but here at 8:21 PM it appears that the sun is going to force its way through the clouds and provide us a sunset.

The sunset through the Ambassador Bridge is actually quite lovely if you think bridges are lovely.

I feel like my whole life is a made up story. I worked today, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around what this job entails. It's easy, and I get mega amounts of praise for it, and then it's challenging, and it's like "no big whup".

Bizarro world.


I'm trying to make friends, and its hard.

Thursday, June 6, 2013


This morning I just lost it.

Faced with a to-do list of "clean out the fridge", "pack files for office", "write blog post", and "clean out under the kitchen sink", I began to cry.

I didn't stop for 20 minutes. Even as I type this, tears are springing to my eyes.

There's so much... small town horror here. Everyone has kids. EVERYONE. And religious beliefs just get shared as fact, at business functions. And I'm supposed to take reiki-practicing reflexologists seriously at those meetups. Half the business community is terrified of the internet or the technology that goes with it. I've talked to FOUR people UNDER 50 who don't know how Facebook works.

What kind of fresh hell is this place?

I'm not allowed to buy furniture, even if I did have the money, because we're moving in less than 11 months, we live on the third floor, and Joe's not moving that shit. I'm living out of boxes and piles on the floor. Joe won't even hang up the three pictures that go on the wall because we're taking them down in 11 months.

I can't have anything today, because life is going to change in 10 months.

Ah well, that stinky crisper drawer ain't gonna clean itself.

Tuesday, June 4, 2013


I've known for quite some time that there's something missing from my life.

I think I know what I want to do, but as each day passes I'm certain that there's no one out there willing/able to pay me minimum wage to do it.

Speaking of minimum wage, my boss gave me business cards yesterday.

So I guess that's legit now.

I am constantly fighting the urge to Vaguebook. 

I'm not happy.

I'm tired of being told that it will be better next year. While it is better than it was five years ago, I feel like I've been circling the airport waiting for a place to land for half a decade. I'm almost out of gas, and I'm being told... just one more year.

A guy tried to kill himself by throwing himself into the Detroit River.

He didn't jump off anything.

He basically swam out from shore. The Coast Guard picked him because apparently the Detroit waterfront doesn't have a swim-up bar, and it's illegal to enter the US by swimming. 

Too bad that whole "Wet/Dry-Foot" rule doesn't apply to Canadians. Could save a whole bunch of future red tape for us.

Windsor is so close to Detroit that from one angle, as you look between the buildings downtown, that it appears the GM world headquarters is just a couple of blocks away. It's disorienting.

I listened to music today for the first time in... months. My ears have stopped hurting when the treble gets too high.

"Shuffle" decided that I needed to hear the music that reminds me of ex-boyfriends that lurks in the depths of my iTunes music listing.

Programmers at Apple are dicks.


This song doesn't remind me of any ex-boyfriends.

Monday, June 3, 2013

One Month

We've lived in our apartment for one month.

It's cleaner. We own a futon, three lawn chairs, two side tables, and three desk-height tables.

I got a job, but it doesn't pay the rent. So I'm going to have to find another job, maybe two.

I'm sad, all the fucking time.

I miss my friends, I miss the weather, but I don't miss Vancouver.

Joe and I had to pinky swear that we would not let boolean algebra destroy our marriage.

Who knew math could be the harsh mistress that ends people's relationships?

I haven't met anyone that is "of my people". I think it's because I'm hanging out at women's networking meetings and with truckers.

Not at the same places, mind you.

My MS symptoms have improved 100-fold. Not sure what that's about.

I finally got my thunderstorm. Actually two thunderstorms in two days. That was cool. I loved it a lot. I missed right and proper thunderstorms.

I bought a box of 154 freezie pops. That was probably the best investment I've ever made.

Still hate driving, but it looks like driving myself to work is going to be a thing I do. I've done it twice now, and it still sucks. Though I was shaking when I got home today, at least I didn't want to die.

baby steps, and all that.

I referred to a future trip to Milwaukee with Amy as "My Annual Ritual Cleansing".

Just so you know.

I'm bored a lot.