If I had my way...

I would be packed and moved by now.

Right now I'm rationing the moving tasks so I don't just spend every waking moment living surrounded by all my packed up stuff until May 31.

Good news though! I still pretty much have everything I arrived from Vancouver with and we've barely added anything.

I guess there are bonuses to being fucking broke all the time.

***

I started a Coursera class on English composition to see if I can stop being tedious and stupidly wordy.

I'll let my future words speak for whether or not it was worth the time and effort.

***

I'm trying to focus on doing things that will propel my life forward.

I have no idea if its working at this point.

I'm not contemplating suicide so much anymore, so I guess it's doing something.

***

I think part of my problem is that I was being a hypocrite on a couple of levels.

See, I know how to get shit done. I know how to kick shit into order.

I just wasn't doing it because I don't like doing shit that is only for me. I don't like doing shit that only seems to matter to me.

There seems no point in doing shit if I'm the only one who sees it and cares about the results.

So I stopped doing shit because it was only for me and only mattered to me.

But then I realized that that attitude probably shows up in the rest of my life and if I want people to take me seriously professionally, I have to talk AND walk what I do in my personal life.

Otherwise, I'm just another person on the planet who wants you to do as I say, not as I do.

So fuck that.

I'm going to do some shit that will make people take me seriously.

Better

Sometimes the misery of others reminds me just how far I've come.

I haven't thought about killing myself in over two years. (I think)

I haven't done anything damaging to my life or my relationship or my continued employability in well over 7 years.

Today I was forced to think about the graphic details of my own history with depression. I was talking to someone I love very much (and who's association in my life will remain confidential) who's life imploded on Friday. Relationship, home, security, everything just gone because this person couldn't deal with their depression. That sucks. I offered what little I had, but mostly I just listened.

The Crazy (as I like to call it) is irrational. What's balls about it is that most people I know with it are some of the most logical, rational and reasoned people I know... and among the smartest I know as well. I know my biggest problem has often been reasoning myself out of a reason to live.

Wellbutrin and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy saved my life. The Wellbutrin kept me from killing myself long enough for the therapy to work, and a few years later I'm not on Wellbutrin or in therapy any more. But that wasn't a quick fix and I suspect that I am not even close to sane.

But I'm employed, my relationship with my husband is awesome, my friends are great and I've got some sort of a plan - as vague as that is - and as far as I am concerned that kind of peace of mind is good enough. Happiness is fleeting. I'll take content.

***

Had We're Awesome Lunch  with my friend Erin today.
We're doing pretty good. We've both come a long way in the past two years. So we had lunch in Yaletown to celebrate our Collective Awesome.

Will anything go wrong if I use you to make my decisions?

This is going to be awesome. I can now abdicate all responsibility for my choices!

(sorry about the flash flare)