And knowing is half the battle

This is one of my favourite sites in the entire internet: http://www.good.is/

They run something called "Thirty Days of GOOD". I have done parts of 30 days of art and the 30 day digital makeover. During that last 30 days one of the attempts at living a better life was I tried was Track your time online

So I downloaded Rescue Time and for the past three weeks it sends me an email on Sunday afternoon that breaks out what I have been doing online for the past week. What I have learned is thus:

I spent 30 hours and 24 minutes online last week. I spend on average 4 hours 28 minutes a day online on my laptop at home. Of that time 65% is spent on social networking, games and shopping.

I actually feel kind of bad about this. I have no idea why I spend so much time dicking around online when I have so much to do. My house needs time an attention. My cross stitching needs time and attention. I have to find a new job. I don't want to hate my life any more and that is why I've been trying to do things differently for a while now.

But the good news about Rescue Time's emails is that I am now being more mindful about what I am doing with my time and on what page I leave my computer idling on when I leave the screen. I silently applaud myself when I realize that I didn`t turn the computer on until I needed that day, rather than turning it on and idling away my morning with Facbook, Twitter and news sites.

Being confronted with the hours I spend doing nothing but clicking flash games and waiting for my friends to say something funny/witty/insightful/offensive online has been a small revelation. Now all I need to do is decide whether the time I spend on this site is very productive, productive, neutral, distracting or very distracting.

False sense of security

I've been doing well, both physically and mentally, for a while now.

I haven't used a cane in almost a year. I haven't overheated in the shower in almost two years. I have been able to run in short bursts, I only randomly lose my balance a couple times a day, and I can make it through 18 hour day without a nap.

Those are all really good things; things that I thought would be impossible three years ago.

In the grand scheme of all things MS, I'm practically benign. I don't do much of anything to help my condition except take vitamin D, do some purposeful exercise every day, and to eat and sleep well 80% of the time. I've been off Copaxone since April, I think.

I'm trying to make some goals and build a more fabulous life for myself, but the whole time there's this tiny voice whispering "Until you get sick again."

It's all a great plan "until I get sick again". Everything revolves around "when I get sick again".

Why bother starting? "When I get sick again" is just going to take it all away.

Because You’ve Got to Have Goals

I have been thinking a lot about never giving up on your dreams since last night when Lady Gaga won a Much Music Video Award. She said to never give up on your dreams. For most of my life I don’t think I had any dreams. Or at least not specific ones.

According to The Change Blog STEP ONE is Make a list of what’s important to you.

Here is my list of 10 things (in no particular order of importance):

Security
Joe
Walking
Comfort
Writing
Pajamas
Intelligence
Sex
The internet
Organization

STEP TWO is Ask "Why is this important?" for each item on your list.


Security because having it is the only reason I have to live.

Joe because he’s the reason why I show up for my life every day. I owe him so much and I do not want to let him down.

Walking because one day I may not be able to.

Comfort because, along with number security, it is the only reason I have to keep breathing.

Writing because it is the second thing I showed some aptitude for and enjoy.

Pajamas because when I am wearing them I feel comfortable and secure.

Intelligence because it is what keeps us from killing each other.

Sex because it is the first thing I showed some aptitude for and enjoy.

The internet because without it Joe would be the only person I like that I talk to on a daily basis.

Organization because it is the third thing I showed some aptitude for and enjoy.

STEP THREE is Use your answers to identify your values.


The things I value are security, being good at something, and self-preservation.

STEP FOUR is Use your values to set your goals.


I guess I’m going to have to get a little free associative with this goal setting thing because the only thing I’m getting from this list is that I want to be Hugh Hefner, only with a way better publication and brand to control.

The Trail Becomes a Rut

TOP TEN RESOLUTION PITFALLS

1. Being vague about what you want.
2. Not making a serious commitment.
3. Procrastinating and excuse making – no time, wrong time, dog ate my homework.
4. Being unwilling to go through the awkward phase.
5. Not setting up a tracking and reminder system.
6. Expecting perfection, falling into guilt, shame, regret.
7. Trying to go it alone.
8. Telling yourself self-limiting rut stories.
9. Not having backup plans.
10. Turning slip-ups into give-ups.

From This Year I Will… M.J. Ryan – Broadway Books (2006) p.8-9

If you are like me at all, you get so fed up with your life that all you can do is maintain the status quo to the detriment of your personal wellbeing or all you want to do is start indulging in really, really destructive behaviours until you die. Or get fired. Or divorced. Or whatever.

When I was diagnosed with MS I found that,

a) I have another human being in my life who was counting on me to get as better as I could so we get our future in order together, and

b) I did not have the money, energy or youthful body I once had to set myself up for a downward spiral.

Last August I got my wakeup call. I found out that I was the fattest I had ever been in my life. I was crazy with menopausal symptoms, I hated my job and I just wasn’t happy with anything in my life. So I started trying to change.

And I did for a while until I stopped. I had a MS setback for a couple of days and just never picked back up where I left off when I was better. I knew that I was happier when I was doing the stuff I had decided that I wanted to do, but I had a killer case of the “Ah, fuck it”s.

I get those a lot.

In December I read a review of this book, though I can’t seem to find it now. It was on sale for $13 or something and I was already purchasing a book for my dad so that pushed me over the $25 threshold to get free shipping. Ta Dah! I had a book that might help.

Last night I re-read the first chapter of This Year I Will…, The Adventure of Living Your Dreams, and remembered why I thought that this particular book might actually help.

1) The author makes no time sensitive promise: “A New You in 30 Days” “Fix Your Life in 72 Hours”

2) states that people are capable of change in fundamental ways.

3) that giving up an old habit is really starting a new habit.

4) that there is no “one size fits all” answer, formula or system that will help people change.

So we are standing on the precipice of either jumping off or staying where we are. This is pre-contemplation. This is necessary. The questions I’m asking myself tonight are posed in Chapter One as examples of what others did before making a life change.

“What Will Truly Make You Happy”?

“What’s the Price of Not Changing”?

I’ve had my wakeup call. I’ve experienced some success, yet there are things that are driving me nuts about my life. That’s why I’m here, asking the questions.

So – where do I want to go with this? That’s why I am here. I have been informed that I can achieve what I set out to do, if I only have the skills and tools necessary to do them.

Go. Forward.

Preparation

It's a new month.

I am fairly happy with the state of my resolutions.

I managed to meet all of my goals on 22 of 28 days in February, and got at least one thing I wanted to do on all 28 days.

Tonight begins a new set of priorities. I am trying to figure out what three things I want to create or maintain during the month of March, so I'll be reading and working through This Year I Will... over the next two months.

The biggest change is that I'll be blogging every second day. We'll see how that goes. Thankfully, there is a really public way of holding myself accountable. Either this space gets filled or I'm not living up to the contract.

It's almost bedtime. G'night folks.

Auld Lang Syne

I like New Years. For one minute the future days are laid out before me like a field of untouched, virginal white snow...

then somebody’s dog takes a shit on it, an inebriated reveler barfs on it and some drunk girl throws herself to the ground, crying over some undeserving boy...

...*THAT* minute is perfectly hopeful; absolutely percolating with possibility.

I used to have the following resolutions every single year:

1. Drink a case of bourbon a month.
2. Smoke 3 packs a day.
3. Gain 30 lbs.
4. Develop a heroin habit
5. Default on my Visa payments.

I certainly failed by noon January 1. I would be content in knowing it was a better thing NOT to have gone through with what I had resolved to do and I would just carry on my merry way through the following year.

I have never really had a goal. With no real talents on which to build a life and being more interested in rejecting reality and substituting my own, setting goals beyond “Don’t be late for work tomorrow” or “Go get a haircut on Saturday” has proved… challenging.

I have never had a life goal or a plan – I just sort of rolled with the experiences and opportunities that presented themselves.

(This is how I ended up married – both times.)
(This is how I ended up living with drag queens.)
(In fact, this is how I ended up in every place I have ever lived.)
(This is also how I ended up in every job I have ever had.)

(I think you get the point.)

I have spent most of 2010 trying to figure out my future… what will I be doing and where will I be when I find myself?

Weird.

The weather is finally back to normal. 24C, cloudy with sunny periods. Perfection. *This* is why I moved here. Temperate at all times. Except that it's not temperate at all times like it was when I first moved here. The past three winters have been hell on wheels and this past month has been absolutely terrible. My love for Vancouver has been waning for a while, but it's definitely over now.

Now that I have MS I am realizing that the things that Vancouver thinks are great are really, really ability focused. Climbing things. Cycling places. Camping. Beach bumming. Ski bumming. All things that get you away from the city.

When I moved here I thought I was moving to Canada's third largest city and it would be Toronto or Montreal to scale. It's not. I find that disappointing. Every time I thought about what I would like to be doing on those sweltering nights I was reminded that Vancouver doesn't do those things.

There is no pedestrian culture in this city. No late night bookstores and record stores, big patios to meet people at, walking down the block listening to the music that comes from the live music venues, or stores that host djs in their front windows while you browse or dance on the sidewalks. Street closures to watch films projected on the side of a building. Restaurants with not shitty rock bands or slick djs with an average drink price of $3. People don't throw house/balcony parties on a rotating schedule here. At least, none of the people I know do.

I moved around a lot in my 20s and living in the GTA made having a life really, really easy. Trains at all hours. Bars that catered to actual grown ups and people actually acted like grownups. People who would talk to strangers. Strangers that would talk to people.

In almost 6 years in Vancouver I have as many local friends as I made in my first 6 weeks in Toronto. Most of them I didn't really make until I had been here around 3 years. It took me 3 years to get into a job that was worth doing.

I moved to the city to *live* in the city. I know now that Vancouver is a city that's uncomfortable with being a city & doing the things that make city life worth doing. I really don't feel like I belong here, especially now.

I guess I'm just not a west coast person. Joe's tried twice to live West Coast Styles and does not like it either.

I've made the mistake of following Torontoist and Washingtonian on twitter and getting absolutely *green* with envy over what goes on every night, let alone every weekend. I miss being around people who don't like to get dirty and prefer concrete and glass towers to mountains. I miss being in a place that knows how to deal with snow and thunderstorms.

I miss being an Urban Diva. Here in Vancouver that makes you a vapid West Van trophy wife with a phony french manicure, Shake n'Bake tan, and brassy foil highlights, driving a Range Rover in 4WD whilst talking on a mobile complaining that Aritzia was out of size zeros. That's not what being an urban woman is, but it's the Vancouver stereotype of one.

The weather brought me here and it's the weather that is going to chase me away. Joe's got 18 months or so to graduation so we're probably out of here shortly after that. Some days that can't come soon enough. Others I can't imagine leaving. But most of the time, I'd rather be back east. I think I belong there.

(PS. this is not to sit in judgment of the people of Vancouver/British Columbia. It is simply to state what I want in a city experience and how Vancouver's not about that at all.)

Shame

Joe just said to me "I wanted to go for a walk with you today. It's beautiful out." and it felt like a punch in the gut and an elephant sat on my chest all at the same time.

A friend on Facebook pointed out that I seem to have a lot of time on my hands. That may be the understatement of the week.

I have a great deal of shame about not being able to work now that I've stopped feeling sick. ("Sick" is puking and/or pain. "Not well" is MS symptoms.) I'm still not well, and my future is too uncertain at this time for making plans, but man do I feel like shit about not being able to do much of anything.

I don't want to go outside of my house. I don't look good, I don't feel well, I have to use a cane in order to mitigate any balance or endurance problems I will most likely have, and my lack of abilities is really, really embarrassing.

If I don't have a new thing come back or an ability get stronger each and every day, I get disappointed and angry that I am not getting well. I am embarrassed that I can't do things and that leaving my house strikes fear into my heart.

I keep forcing myself to do whatever house work I can just to prove that I am still a living, capable human being. It doesn't work, but I can eat out of my bathroom sink.

Life is a constant trade-off, innit?

Due to other issues I've had over the years, I've learned to find other measurements of how I am doing other than my emotional state. I don't trust my feelings because they often lie to me. But by measuring how well I am taking care of my work life, my physical appearance, and the condition of my house, I can figure how much I'm caring about my life.

MS has taken away my meter sticks. I have no job. I am unable to fix my appearance. I have a difficult time completing tasks around my house. So all I have is my emotional state to guide me, and it's depressed, lost and without a rudder.

Joe asked me to wake him up from his nap to go for a walk with him. I've already put that off for 20 minutes so task avoidance shouldn't go on much longer. That's what shame does.

It cuts you off from the sun. I missed the sun because I couldn't go outside.

Forward motion

Joe and I went to Ms. Lina's art show closing this afternoon. We had a glass of wine, learned about methodologies and mediation, and then went and had a burger and fries at the greasy spoon down the block from our house.

I walked from 12th Ave to the equivalent of 19th Ave. That's 7 blocks. I walked them and my leg didn't go floppy. It went floppy shortly after arriving home, but it didn't stop working while I was outside of the house.

I've had no further side effects of the treatment. Every day since my treatment I've woken up with more energy and more or longer lasting abilities.

If I can't find something worthwhile to do with the rest of my life, it may just be all a waste of time. I've got to use these physical gains while I've got them, because goodness only knows how long it will last. The nature of MS is one of uncertainty; a level of uncertainty we all have but don't have to acknowledge. Tomorrow I might not be able to walk, or talk, or see. It's not likely, but it is not outside the realm of possibility. Tomorrow you might be hit by a bus. Again, not likely, but not impossible. Having MS just seems to make me more conscious of making plans based on what I can do today, while always having to remember not to plan the results because I might not be able to complete those plans tomorrow.

I've been thinking about the future, and trying to figure out in what direction I want to direct my energies. I need to consider what I need to be fulfilled along with the ability to take this new direction and earn an income on either side of the Canada/US border. I think that I'm putting together some ideas in my head.

If the personal is political and vice versa, then there are a couple of ways I can put what I am interested in to good use. I believe very strongly in health education, as in physical, sexual and mental health. I also believe very strongly that governments and communities play a big role in influencing the public.

There's got to be a way to combine public health with public service. There's got to be some way of making health a political issue.

Yet I think that these are just the musings of a cognitively impaired mind.

I'm pretty sure that no one other than me is interested in this shit.