Shame

Joe just said to me "I wanted to go for a walk with you today. It's beautiful out." and it felt like a punch in the gut and an elephant sat on my chest all at the same time.

A friend on Facebook pointed out that I seem to have a lot of time on my hands. That may be the understatement of the week.

I have a great deal of shame about not being able to work now that I've stopped feeling sick. ("Sick" is puking and/or pain. "Not well" is MS symptoms.) I'm still not well, and my future is too uncertain at this time for making plans, but man do I feel like shit about not being able to do much of anything.

I don't want to go outside of my house. I don't look good, I don't feel well, I have to use a cane in order to mitigate any balance or endurance problems I will most likely have, and my lack of abilities is really, really embarrassing.

If I don't have a new thing come back or an ability get stronger each and every day, I get disappointed and angry that I am not getting well. I am embarrassed that I can't do things and that leaving my house strikes fear into my heart.

I keep forcing myself to do whatever house work I can just to prove that I am still a living, capable human being. It doesn't work, but I can eat out of my bathroom sink.

Life is a constant trade-off, innit?

Due to other issues I've had over the years, I've learned to find other measurements of how I am doing other than my emotional state. I don't trust my feelings because they often lie to me. But by measuring how well I am taking care of my work life, my physical appearance, and the condition of my house, I can figure how much I'm caring about my life.

MS has taken away my meter sticks. I have no job. I am unable to fix my appearance. I have a difficult time completing tasks around my house. So all I have is my emotional state to guide me, and it's depressed, lost and without a rudder.

Joe asked me to wake him up from his nap to go for a walk with him. I've already put that off for 20 minutes so task avoidance shouldn't go on much longer. That's what shame does.

It cuts you off from the sun. I missed the sun because I couldn't go outside.