Stuff

I was POSITIVE I posted last week, but I guess I didn't.

So, we're moving on Saturday and I'm excited as hell.

My computer is giving me fits of rage and it's everything I can muster some days not to walk it down and just toss it in the Detroit River.

A few days ago a misogynist with MRA leanings killed 6 people because women wouldn't fuck him, as was his right.

Sorry could anyone remind me of the last time a woman committed mass murder in the name of feminism?
— Lou (@Msloulou77) May 26, 2014

Tell me misogyny is no longer a problem. Tell women we have no reason to fear for our lives. I dare you. pic.twitter.com/aJ6DLPcq4U #YesAllWomen
— Becky (@Tikken) May 25, 2014

teach your kids that normal is a lie, but that human never is.
— jay, determinator (@jaythenerdkid) May 26, 2014

PSA for #YesAllMen: You are not entitled to any woman's attention, affection, body, sex, or relationship.
— bossy (@BhasChat) May 26, 2014

And that's all I have to say about that.

And for something...

... completely the same.

Still hate it here, but change is coming. We're moving to a more interesting neighbourhood on June 1.

Bigger apartment, for less, in a neighbourhood that has a grocery store I can walk to.

There's a public library and an art gallery that appears to have a cafe a block away.

It's closed on Mondays so I'll have to check it out for certain before we move.

There are also 4 bars within 4 blocks of my house.

***

I love my friend Erin and I don't care who knows it.

She literally sent me mail that will save my life.

***

I've decided that I am going to stick it out here in Windsor, whilst keeping my options open to leave.

I will spend an hour a week looking for jobs away from here and making contacts with people in other cities, but otherwise my focus is on trying to make this place livable and growing my business.

This place could have so much going for it if only it would start acting like a city and not a working-class suburb of a US city.

***

“

Suicidal feelings are not the same as giving up on life. Suicidal feelings often express a powerful and overwhelming need for a different life. Suicidal feelings can mean, in a desperate and unyielding way, a demand for something new. Listen to someone who is suicidal and you often hear a need for change so important, so indispensable, that they would rather die than go on living without the change. And when the person feels powerless to make that change happen, they become suicidal. Help comes when the person identifies the change they want and starts to believe it can actually happen. Whether it is overcoming an impossible family situation, making a career or study change, standing up to an oppressor, gaining relief from chronic physical pain, igniting creative inspiration, feeling less alone, or beginning to value their self worth, at the root of suicidal feelings is often powerlessness to change your life – not giving up on life itself.

-- Will Hall, Living with suicidal feelings

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Have you ever had one of those lives where every choice you made is wrong, or maybe the choices you made were the least bad of all the options?

At this point, as I enter my 40th year, I am now certain that the only good and pro-active decision I have ever made was marrying my spousal unit. Every other life choice before and since has just been an exercise in failure.

***

I hate it here. I hate it more and more each and every moment that passes.

That said, I am glad I am not trying to make it in Vancouver this broke. And this broken.

Windsor seems like the kind of place where dreams come to die.

***

This whole stupid life of mine makes me want to move the hell away from here.

***

My latest obsession is moving to Detroit. It's got so much more going on than Windsor, real estate is CRAZY cheap, and there are some tech incubators, creatives, and locals who are trying to find a new place for the city in the world.

That speaks to me. For some insane reason, there seems to be more hope for Detroit being awesome than there is is any chance of Windsor being awesome.

***

I want to live in a big city again. In many ways I crave the anonymity that having half a million neighbours can bring.

***

I also hate driving, but doing it 25 days out of 40 has made it less panic inducing.

***

I just want a life worth living. One that doesn't have thrice monthly panic attacks over money and resources.

***

Too much to ask?

Windsor - The Town Where Everyone Asks You To Lower Your Expectations

It's like dating in my home town for fuck's sake.

I went to my first interview with a temp agency, and they told me that the average job search in Windsor is 10 to 12 MONTHS.

I don't have that kind of time, so I'm thinking about looking in Waterloo or Toronto for something permanent, while Joe stays here and does his thing.

Not that things were going any better in Vancouver, mind you, it's just that no one there asked me to aim a little lower and be happy with what I find there.

***

I don't know what this place is all about, but they have a sculpture garden full of strange shapes, penguins by a non-functioning fountain, and a family of elephants.

I will post photos at some point.

***

Avocados were FIVE for TWO DOLLARS. I'm eating avocado on fucking EVERYTHING until that price goes away.

Debrief - Part 1 of an Indeterminate Amount of Blog Posts

There's so many things that I want to say about Vancouver, but writing them down in the emotional turmoil of our quickly scheduled move seemed... unwise.

I landed in Vancouver on the evening of September 20, 2003.

I left Vancouver on the afternoon of April 25, 2013.

That's 6 months shy of 10 years. I had four apartments in that time. I dated five Vancouver-based people. I had 9 jobs; 13 if you include short-term temping. I was diagnosed with MS there. I found out who my friends were there.

Things I Totally Do Not Regret

1. Getting on that plane.
2. Dating Finn.
3. Breaking up with Finn.
4. Moving to East Van.
5. "Growing up" here, for lack of a better description.
6. Becoming friends with the women I became friends with.
7. Not getting into yoga.
8. Trying to stay in Vancouver.
9. Falling in love.
10. Deciding that Vancouver's latest rejection would be its last.

***

Maybe I missed a key developmental phase or something - but I never fell in love with the place.

As a city, it's kind of lame. No pedestrian culture and no grown-up drinking scene that isn't a plastic-coated freak-show straight out of the The Real Housewives of Vancouver (which is, shockingly, a real thing).

Everyone seem to spend their time and money trying to get away from there, either to the wilderness or Seattle. No one wants to really *live* there, it seems.

The pretty view doesn't pay the rent... and the view is only pretty when it isn't raining.

I never was smitten by the tourist brochures. I never felt a "soul" here because everything - and I mean everything but the Stanley Park cedars - seems so impermanent. It feels like nothing is established; like everything is temporary - including the people.

I said once before that Vancouver only felt like home when I was away from it. I realize now that "home" was about where my bed and my belongings were, not about the city in which those things resided. My new town will not feel like home until I get a proper bed to sleep in. Which given our financial situation, and Joe's new-found aversion to owning stuff, is going to be a long time.

I don't miss Vancouver, which isn't to say that I've fallen in love with this place either, but I really am glad I'm gone. 

***

I don't know what the future brings. My life is a blank slate as of May 1, 2013. I have an appointment with a temp agency on Wednesday morning. I am perpetually lost here and have no sense of direction unless I can figure out where the Detroit River is in relation to where I am, which is not very often. I'm going to start writing more; both this blog and my professional persona's.

***

But I do know what my past held, and I don't regret a minute of it. The two people who originally brought me to Vancouver haven't been a part of my life in 8 or 9 years at this point.

I loved them both at one time. I will always be grateful to them for being in my life exactly when they were. I would not be the person I am without them.

***

Confidential to E: You are the only person I cried over. You're the only person I still get teary-eyed about. I miss you so much.

***

I will probably return to Vancouver to visit any friends who might remain there in a year or so. I will never live there again. It turns out that I'm just not a "West Coast Person". I'm okay with that. I don't know that I am a "Southern Ontario Person", but I'm okay with that too.

Almost

I'm in my husband's childhood bedroom sweating to death.

It's not supposed to be 25C (78F) in April, or May, so I am completely unprepared for this shit.

I will post some photos up on FB, but this is mostly what I can share about this trip.

1) Leaving 10 hours late is not something that can be made up the next day, or even the day after that. We were only planning on driving 10-12 hours a day, so finally on Day 3 Joe accepted that we had just lost a day.

2) When Joe was considering the distances we would travel in those 10-12 hours per day, he did not consider things like: stopping to pee, to eat, or to get gas.

3) The Motel 6 in Spokane, Washington does not provide shampoo, or soap, but you can buy them from the vending machine for a dollar.

4) Way to Go Washington State, Minnesota, and Illinois on your kickass windfarms!

5) I had so much of enough of Montana before we were half way to the Continental Divide.

6) 9 out of 10 I-90 exits in Montana have signs that say "No Services". That means there is no gas station, restaurant, or motel in the vicinity.

7) 1 out of 10 I-90 exits in Montana have a gas station, a restaurant, a motel, and five casinos. The gas station, the restaurant, and the motel will each have one, and there will be two free-standing casinos just off the parking lots of these three enterprises.

8) Same goes for Wyoming.

9) And South Dakota.

10) Probably the single most unattractive photo of me ever taken was snapped with Joe at Mount Rushmore. I deleted it.

11) Mount Rushmore was smaller than we both thought it was.

12) That's not to say it is small feat, just that it was smaller than we thought it would be as it related to the size of the rock face it's carved in.

13) Three out of three HOG members agree, Crazy Horse was better. We didn't go to see Crazy Horse. We didn't go because that shit is FAR from anything close to civilization. Unless you count the crazy tourist trappings of a place that only exists due to its proximity to a national monument as civilization.

(Think Niagara Falls, except at the bottom of a very, very, steep hill.)

14) I made it through eastern Washington, Montana, Wyoming, AND South Dakota without a single invitation to join a militia.

15) A medium beverage in the US is a Canadian large. Joe and I forget this ALL THE TIME.

16) OMG! 20oz Cherry Cokes 2 for $2.50! OMG! OMG! OMG!

17) The Flying J in Wisconsin is the best Flying J of all the Flying Js we visited. You could tell by the flower arrangements in the ladies room that they were clearly going the extra mile.

18) This may be due to the fact that Wisconsin is, as it stands, an awesome place.

19) Boca Chica in Minneapolis serves the BEST Patron tequila margarita ever. Food's pretty good too.

20) Beefaroo is one of the things that makes America great- along with Baconalia at Denny's, camoflage meshback trucker caps that say "Hard Core Carnivore", and 30 oz. of Cherry Coke for $1.

21) I am eating nothing but vegetables, fruit, oat bran, and greek yogurt for a month after this trip.

22) Nine states in five days is not something I'd advise, but I don't regret it at all.

More about our destination, when we finally get to it.

This.

So much this.

***

I believe my husband has grossly underestimated the amount of shit we own. I think we're full, and he hasn't even started packing his clothes yet.

He has a lot of clothes.

***

I am so tired. But margaritas at 4:30 pm might not be helping that.

***

I will not buy a home in an neighbourhood that has a shortened name, just in case it's "DoWiSeTrePla".

***

I'm not ready to talk about how much I am going to miss my friends.

Political

Fuck Justin Trudeau, and fuck the Liberal Party of Canada.

For the first time in my voting eligibility, I won't be voting at all in 2015. I can't bring myself to vote for any of the other parties, because I'm not a socialist, an asshole, or a conservative in environmentalists' clothing.

I don't live in Quebec, so I couldn't vote separatist even if I wanted to. Which I don't.

So I'm done. No more politics for me until JT crashes and burns in two years.

***

I'm getting closer to packed.

Due to some changes in the situation, it looks like we might not get out of here until Tuesday, April 23. If so, that will get us to Mount Rushmore on Joe's birthday.

Yeah, we're going to South Fucking Dakota. 

Go. Us.

***

I'm at the point now where I just want this shit over. I want the car bought, the shit packed, and my time in Vancouver done.

Um, whut?

Annette Funicello died today.

"Her family told Extra that Funicello passed away from complications of her illness, and they were by her side when she was taken off life support. Funicello had been in an MS coma for years."

What in the flying fucking fuck is an "MS coma"?

I've had MS for almost five years, I HAVE NEVER, EVER, EVAH, heard that this was a thing.

How is this a thing?

Why did no one tell me it is a thing?

***

***

My temp job gets easier but vastly more irritating as of tomorrow.

***

Barring something unforeseen happening, two weeks from right now I will be sleeping in a hotel in the Greater Missoula, Montana Area on the way to Ontario.

I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.

A Day

Today I took a day because I was tired.

It means that I won't get paid for today, but I think it was worth it to stay home. I can't afford to have this job kill me before I move.

I'm pretty sure that my boss doesn't care if he kills me, but hey...

I can take a day away from him, and what's he going to do, fire me? He already knows I'm leaving.

Had our first viewer of our apartment today. She didn't even look in the bedroom. I'm guessing she's not interested.

We've been warned that the weekend could be busy for people coming by. Oh... yay...

Nothing, not even vanilla, covers up the smell of vinegar. And according to my husband, vanilla makes vinegar smell worse.

Home

"Oh, so you're going back home!"

I've heard this a lot lately. We're moving back to Ontario, yes. And I guess if the province that issued your birth certificate is home, then yes, I am moving back there.

I'm moving to a place I've never really been. It's a place I've driven through a couple of times on my way somewhere else. Our time there could be a short as 12 months. It does not feel like I am going home.

The last two times I visited the town I was born and raised, it didn't feel like home either. I haven't lived there at all in 13 years. I haven't lived close to it in almost 10. Just because I will be close enough to visit more regularly doesn't make it feel any more like home.

I rarely refer to my parent's house as "home", even though they still live in the house they brought me home from the hospital to. I haven't lived there in almost 25 years. I've been gone a decade more than the total amount of time that I live there, just about. It's not just not home.

I don't think we'll stay where we are going for much longer than 18 months unless there's an amazing offer for Joe at the end of his schooling. So I don't think it will end up feeling like home either.

Vancouver used to feel like home, but only when I wasn't here. When I was visiting somewhere else, it was the place I wanted to get "home" to. But when I was here, it felt like the place I rented an apartment.

With every employer that never called us back, and with every interview that ended in rejection, it started to feel like the place that didn't want us.

With every report about real estate that we would never afford, lifestyle choices we didn't want, activities we weren't interested in, and neighbourhoods being gentrified into major label blandness, it became a place we didn't want to be.

But what I do know is that my home is with my love. It's not a building, or a city, or a country. It's with him. And given how we've made it through some amazing things, home is going to continue to be with him.

An Inventory

(Cross-posted from our Facebook event - SAY GOODBYE! TAKE OUR STUFF!)

Three weeks until we say goodbye and you take our stuff!

Some items that will be available:

Ikea kitchen table with 3 chairs
7.5 year old futon with black metal frame
Joe's desk
My desk
Two plain ol' standard tube tvs
An LCD monitor - c. 2008
OMG Books (no fiction)
OMG Notebooks (all unused)
OMG Resusable shopping bags and shopping totes
Craft supplies - some fabric. Some cross-stitching cloth, sewing notions, shinies, glitter, etc.
A bag full of random things - there some blowing bubbles, a monk with a cellphone drinking a latte, a pride flag, shell casings, random stickers, a devil ducky, post-it notes, some pens, buttons, a voodoo doll... yanoo, random stuff

An industrial rack Joe uses as a tv stand
An old desk I use as a tv stand
Black wooden coffee table
Small boxes and baskets used to store things ( I think there are 15 of them as of right now)
General kitchen stuff, including coffee maker, toaster, and kettle
Set of four martini glasses
Set of beach appropriate margarita glasses (Non-BPA plastic)
Set of inexpensive stemmed wine glasses
Shot glass
Martini shaker
queen sized bed - mattress wrapped in anti-bedbug cover, boxspring still in factory sealed plastic
two different book cases
six drawer dresser
four drawers - narrow and made out of wicker

PLUS SO MUCH MORE!

If you're in the market for something not listed here, let me know. We might have one we can put your name on!

***

If you want to come to SAY GOODBYE! TAKE OUR STUFF!, and you live in Vancouver, and you know me, or someone I know, hit me up on FB or leave me a comment and I'll make sure you get an invite.

Almost Over

We gave notice on our apartment a few hours ago.

I'm so excited to be leaving. SO EXCITED to be leaving.

One year ago today I lost my job with The Man. I have been unable to find a job since.

I think that's a sign that it's time to leave. There's no hope for us here.

Though I'm not sure if I am excited about where I am going or relieved to be leaving where I am.

Today is playing out much as I thought I would - laundry, packing, clean sheets, towels are heading into the dryer in like five minutes.

The only side trip today was an outing to the Coinstar machine, where our three years of pennies, dimes and nickles added up to $30.48 (which ended up being $30.50 because there are no pennies any more). I then lost that $0.02 when I bought an X-Tra Large Froster at Mac's and Joe bought two Two-Bite Brownies for $4.23 (which ended up being $4.25 because there are no pennies any more).

Hockey's on the laptop, it was gorgeous outside, I'm going to talk my husband into doing something about dinner, and then I will continue going through my craft supplies, trying to get what I need down to one box.

I'm STILL trying to make the one box work.

A good Friday

I got a lot done this Good Friday. I cleaned out the front closet leaving only what we will need to use for the rest of our time here (laundry soap, vacuum, broom, mop, dust brush) , the coats I am moving, and the coats the Joe needs to decide about. I vacuumed the floor of the closet and cleaned the top shelf. I cleaned out the four drawers I use as a bedside table. I cleaned out my hanging folder file drawer full of x-stitch patterns and cloth. I had this wild and crazy idea that I could move to Ontario with just one banker's box of craft supplies, but that is quickly going to become a funny idea I had once and had to reject in the face of reality.

Had some good new today as it relates to our move. I already feel less stress because of this news, but it certainly doesn't solve every problem, that's for sure.

Tomorrow we give notice on our apartment. I'm pretty excited about that because we both HATE THIS APARTMENT. It's ugly and small and hot. I can hardly wait not to live here.

Tomorrow is laundry, clean sheets, clean towels and a start on the actual packing of boxes.

I moved to British Columbia with two suitcases and nine boxes.

My goal is to leave with two suitcases and five boxes.

That is not a crazy idea.

This title has nothing to do with the content within

The prospect of moving cross-country in theoretical car that hasn't been purchased yet, in just six-ish weeks is daunting.

***

I don't regret moving to Vancouver, at all. I do regret staying as long as we did.

***

I've started sending emails to people I used to know. There are two people who've completely fallen off the face of the earth that I would like to say goodbye to, but it appears that they don't live in Vancouver any more either. It seems as though those couple of years are just as well left in the past.

***

I figured out that this is the first "new life" I've started that isn't because of the end or beginning of a romantic relationship.

"Now THAT'S progress!" I can hear my ex-therapist say.

***

Truth be told, I'm a little embarrassed about where we're moving, but I hope that my husband finally gets to realize his dream of a BCS sooner rather than later.

And maybe, just maybe, our luck with timing will change and we'll be in the right place and the right time.

***

Someday, maybe soon, I'll write about how Vancouver saved my life. Maybe that won't happen soon. Maybe I'll wait until I'm gone.

Surprisingly enough...

I'm not really angry any more.

Disappointed, yes.
Like a failed state, definitely.

But mostly I just wish we had enough money to just fucking leave in the morning.

Unfortunately, someone in Alberta, Saskatchewan, or Manitoba won the $30 million on Friday night, so my "leaving town independently wealthy" fantasy remains unfulfilled.

Now the task list is very simple.

Package up what we're taking, sell our portable air conditioner, (used five times, four years old this summer, perfect condition, $100 - East Van), throw out everything that we're not taking, buy a car, Joe writes an exam, we leave.

The exam will happen on April 19. We will leave as soon as possible after that date, but definitely before our tenancy expires on April 30.

I can barely stand the wait. I just want to go so badly.

As promised... Fuck This Shit

If you were reading last week, the title of this post means that I didn't get the job.

For the fourth time, it's come down to me and one other person and I wasn't "the right fit".

So that's it. We're done.

This decision was made weeks ago, contingent on this one last job prospect. Now that I have failed, there's only one choice. Joe and I will be leaving Vancouver at some point after April 20 and before April 30. There's no reason to stay.

For 48 weeks I have been unable to secure long-term, somewhat secure, non-exploitive employment. We've spent our savings, we've maxed-out our credit cards, and now we are almost out of Employment Insurance. We have no prospects. We're at the brink of poverty.

Joe has a plan for his further education that he'll be happy to share with you if he knows you.

I have no plan.

For the second time in my life I'm taking this absolute leap of faith and hoping for a survivable landing in a place I have never really been, pretty much sight unseen. I am unconvinced this the right thing, I just know that it's the only thing Joe can do, and I might as well go along for the ride.

***

That said, if we own something that you want, it's yours for $20 OBO. We are only taking our clothes, laptops, and a few personal items. Everything else must go. If it can't be donated or recycled, it is going in landfill.

***

I want to be full of foot-stompin' rage right now, but I just don't have it in me at this moment. I feel so defeated, rejected, and hopeless. Vancouver has made it clear that there is no place for me here, so all I can do is hope that something will be different somewhere else.

***

This is all I have to say about this right now. I'll be back shortly to vent my spleen about my experience with this city.

Lease signed.

It's ours. We have keys and everything.

I've started packing. I want out of here as soon as humanly possible. As soon as we were told that we weren't wanted here it's like this place became sullied, like it wasn't home anymore.

The place we got is really small compared to the place we have now, but most of our stuff will fit, and that's all that really matters.

I just want to get all of our accounts moved, the mail forwarded and get out. I don't want to be here any more.