Things are coming together

Website is coming together. About a day and a half until it launches.

Still no job. Second interview coming up on the in a week or so.

My muscles aren't working tonight because it is so damn hot in here I have the window open and I'm wearing shorts.

We've never turned the heat on in this apartment since we moved in two years ago. There are heated spots on the walls and floors. We're apparently directly above the hot water tank and most of the pipes to the other two floors flow through our interior walls. As a result, we don't have to turn on the heat and have like $20 a month electricity bills. Add to the natural heat from the apartment we also had the oven on to make dinner and I had a shower as hot as I can physically stand it. I am sweltering.

My English skills start failing when I get hot. My physical coordination starts to fail. Hopefully things start to cool off in here so I can get some more work done.

I'm wonky and tired. I'm not sure if this post is in English. I think I'm done here.

cranky

The heat is getting to me. Wonky joints and whack-a-do small motor skills FTW!

Cleaned up my water retaining bead neck wrap-thing for my first day of paid employment in over three months.

Don't get too excited. I've agreed to work for my Jurassic-era ex-boss whilst his present assistant (the third or possibly fourth such assistant since I quit about 9 months ago) takes a week long holiday.

This will not be awesome.

You know what else is not awesome? Having a just-warm-enough apartment turned into a hot apartment by the introduction of fresh-outta-the-dryer laundry.

I'll have clean clothes to work tomorrow, but at what cost?

I ruined my weekend

In 8 hours I am supposed to be heading to the Pride parade with my husband. But today I forgot that my life is a high-protocol-tightrope-walking-plate-spinning-balancing act of caffeine timed perfectly with high protein snacks in order to make it though a 9 hour work day. Today I ate breakfast. I had no caffeine. I made a plan to locate a parasol for tomorrow's parade to try to stay cool. A headache started pounding over my right eye.

Within 15 minutes I could not keep my eyes open it hurt so much. Within 30 minutes it took all my physical strength not to throw up. Joe brought me some toast and tea. I ate half the toast and drank a couple of mouthfuls of tea and promptly passed out for a several hours. Woke up at 8 PM and in order to stay awake long enough to eat something I had a bottle of Coke Zero. It is now 3:30 AM Sunday morning and I'm awake. Wide awake.

And Joe is stuck on chapter 11 of the NAFTA agreement and hasn't finished the paper he needed to have finished by midnight Friday, so he's not going to the parade tomorrow. I don't know if I will be awake enough to go, I'm not sure how hot it is going to be, I'm kind of scared about going out in the heat like that unattended, and I did not get the parasol I should have for being out in the sun.

I'm banging away on this laptop in bed trying to get these worries and disappointment out of my head in hopes that I will find the ability to sleep and more importantly wake up in the morning in time to get suited up for the parade... if I am brave enough to head out in the sun without someone with me.

36

In one week I will be 36. Barring some sort of disaster, I will have exactly doubled the life span I had planned on when I was 17.

I can't really explain to anyone the screaming that is going on in my head. I want to speak, to tell, but I can't because it's a secret/it's private/it will hurt someone/it will hurt me.

Every time I open up this "new post" window I hear a voice in my head say "You'll never get a job, ever, if you keep this blog."

What the hell makes that voice think that I'm ever going to apply for a job that will require a google search, I have no idea. I'm damaged goods and as such I've given up on having much of an interesting future.

The heat of the day didn't do as much damage as I thought it might, but I did get some weak limbs that were harder than normal to control and a little bit of cog fog. Nothing too tragic though.

I'm not looking forward to the next few days of over 25 degree weather. I can deal with it, but my skin just hates the feel of breezes on it so I have to wear long sleeves all the time. Sometimes I can get away with a 3/4 sleeve if it's not too windy.

Amy tagged me on a note called 25 random things. I am tempted to follow up on that, but right now my braynz are just too raw to fill it out with anything more than all the screaming.

Posting screaming in public will alienate me further from the human race. I'm trying to be better at relationships.

Day 3 of my captivity.

This shit blows. I've gained four levels in Mafia Wars though, so it's hasn't been a complete waste of time.

When I couldn't make it to the interview this week, that part-time job I mentioned went away. Bye Bye job!

I should've taken the polish off my toes before I painted my fingernails. Now I have to find gloves or redo my fingers.

The weather is forcasted to be cooler tomorrow, and with things progressively getting back to normal by Tuesday. Please bring the rain!

According to my stomach, a Klondike bar and a Dr. Pepper weren't a suitable lunch. According to my brain, it's indifferent toward food.

It's official. I'm in menopause, but it's likely to be temporary. It's funny, before I got MS "temporary" meant "4-6 weeks, maybe 8" but now it means "maybe we'll know more in 6 months, maybe a year, or even as much as two years".

It's also official. I am depressed and there's nothing I can do about it but take happy pills. Day 3 of Wellbutrin brings no relief to my depression and not a single side effect. I might as well be taking a placebo.

I got into a provincial drug coverage program for crazy people who can't afford their meds. I pay $0 for all my crazy drugs. YAY! Maybe next time they'll cover the 'Pams.

My return visit to the psychiatrist is July 13.

There's nothing quite like going to the psychiatrist to have your depression checked out on your 35 birthday after your life has been so incredibly disappointing thus far.

Here's to hoping I can leave the house tomorrow because Chang in going to be here.

I can't leave the house.

I can go outside when it's 26C (79F) and 64% humidity. I can't go outside when it's 28C (82F) and 51% humidity.

Two degrees is what separates me from having a life. There's nothing I can do, save for buying a cooling suit.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to just suck it up or live with it. I don't know how to just be grateful for what I can do when it feels like I can't do anything or my accomplishments are measured at the same level as a preschooler.

I wrote a lot more in this post, but I deleted 80% of it because it's just too personal. I don't trust all of you who don't have MS to not try and fix me with suggestions of what you would do since you can empathize with my state based on that one time you were sick for a really long time. I also don't trust all of you who have MS not give me a pep talk and tell me how a lesser version of the life you wanted is good enough for you because it means you're still alive and your life has some worth and meaning, no matter how stunted or compromised that life is.

Yes, that sounds as bitchy as it was meant to.