"When Life is Hard, You've Got to Change"

I am really bad at having mercy on myself.

I am also the first one to make excuses for myself and then hate myself to doing it.

I have been unable to look in the mirror without cringing for about two years and a week or two ago started figuring out what it was going to take to get myself back. I've consulted with my neurologist, physiotherapist and next month I will have further conversations with my family doctor and psychiatrist.

I've been cleared to lift weights absolutely no heavier than 5 lbs with strict instructions to stop, even mid set, if I start losing control of the movement.

I'm still struggling with depression, anxiety and food disinterest. Since I don't eat convenient junk anymore and still have my pathological fear of grocery stores I often have difficulty meeting the minimum caloric, fat, carbohydrate and protein amounts every day.

I pushed myself over the 1,200 calories a day minimum with a vodka tonic two days last week.

I joined SparkPeople. I'm not really good at "group hug" forms of support but it's pretty easy to avoid the evangelists of the program.

It is so hot upstairs I've got only a minute or two to grab my laundry and get out without becoming nauseous.

I am really sick of MS taking my life away. I have to find the will to fight even harder to keep what I have. If I am strong when my next relapse takes things away I will have less reconditioning and rebuilding what has atrophied when it lets go.

I am suddenly struck with tiredness, which is strange and unsettling for me. Caffeine time.

World MS Day and things that are apropos of nothing.

(insert sound of one single party blower here)

I've been on Copaxone for one month now. It was really uneventful until yesterday when my injection site on my right arm was hard and itchy all day and it continued into today. Don't what that is about, so I'm going to call my Copaxone nurse tomorrow.

My symptoms are stable for the most part. Still numb fingers and toes, wonky left leg, sketchy balance and a spastic left calf. Ray of student RMT fame has been working that calf and my feet with massage therapy and I can feel my leg unwound for days a time now. I can't meet with him this week and I'm sure I will miss it.

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I've been thinking a lot about secrets these days. I think it's because I've started writing again and my opening sentence from yesterday isn't something that I think my mother would be pleased with and I think that my grandmother would have a stroke at the mere idea of it.

I realized that for me to really write publicly about what I want to write about must wait until my grandmother has passed and my mother is senile. That makes me sad because that's going to be a long freakin' time.

I've done very little in my life that I am proud of. Two of those things have to be kept secret for the time being (See: Grandmother). The other two are really only impressive to me and that is it. Four things.

I find that I have lived much of my life waiting for better days because the present has been so crappy. I still feel like that most days I am at work. That tells me that the antidepressants work to keep me from killing myself but do not give me a false sense of happy.

Which is kind of a relief now that I consider that.

Next month will mark a year on Wellbutrin. Given how much generalized anxiety I've been having lately I'm planning on making another trip to the neuropsychiatrist - this time for some Adivan and cognitive testing.

Since Joe has decided that I am going to be an economist I need to figure out what is wrong with my brain that will hold me back from scholastic success. I'm fucking stupid all the time now and I know that some of it is related to the MS and some is probably just understimulation. There's no complex thinking in my life on a day to day basis unless I go looking for it.

I do wish things were different and I do live a lot of my life waiting for better times in the future. Maybe I'm making peace with that.

And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."

Day 3 of my captivity.

This shit blows. I've gained four levels in Mafia Wars though, so it's hasn't been a complete waste of time.

When I couldn't make it to the interview this week, that part-time job I mentioned went away. Bye Bye job!

I should've taken the polish off my toes before I painted my fingernails. Now I have to find gloves or redo my fingers.

The weather is forcasted to be cooler tomorrow, and with things progressively getting back to normal by Tuesday. Please bring the rain!

According to my stomach, a Klondike bar and a Dr. Pepper weren't a suitable lunch. According to my brain, it's indifferent toward food.

It's official. I'm in menopause, but it's likely to be temporary. It's funny, before I got MS "temporary" meant "4-6 weeks, maybe 8" but now it means "maybe we'll know more in 6 months, maybe a year, or even as much as two years".

It's also official. I am depressed and there's nothing I can do about it but take happy pills. Day 3 of Wellbutrin brings no relief to my depression and not a single side effect. I might as well be taking a placebo.

I got into a provincial drug coverage program for crazy people who can't afford their meds. I pay $0 for all my crazy drugs. YAY! Maybe next time they'll cover the 'Pams.

My return visit to the psychiatrist is July 13.

There's nothing quite like going to the psychiatrist to have your depression checked out on your 35 birthday after your life has been so incredibly disappointing thus far.

Here's to hoping I can leave the house tomorrow because Chang in going to be here.

Monday, Monday

Today I have an appointment with the neuro-psychiatrist at the MS clinic. I've been Googling for drugs that will make me not care that my life sucks. The drug information on the internet doesn't really have an overview in that area so I'm not sure that I'm going in with the right information.

I think I found a part-time job to apply to. I'll share more if I decide to go for it.

There's so much I don't say because it's just not worth the confrontation, hassle or explanation.

I still want to be anyone but who I am.