Sunday, August 15, 2010

"When Life is Hard, You've Got to Change"

I am really bad at having mercy on myself.

I am also the first one to make excuses for myself and then hate myself to doing it.

I have been unable to look in the mirror without cringing for about two years and a week or two ago started figuring out what it was going to take to get myself back. I've consulted with my neurologist, physiotherapist and next month I will have further conversations with my family doctor and psychiatrist.

I've been cleared to lift weights absolutely no heavier than 5 lbs with strict instructions to stop, even mid set, if I start losing control of the movement.

I'm still struggling with depression, anxiety and food disinterest. Since I don't eat convenient junk anymore and still have my pathological fear of grocery stores I often have difficulty meeting the minimum caloric, fat, carbohydrate and protein amounts every day.

I pushed myself over the 1,200 calories a day minimum with a vodka tonic two days last week.

I joined SparkPeople. I'm not really good at "group hug" forms of support but it's pretty easy to avoid the evangelists of the program.

It is so hot upstairs I've got only a minute or two to grab my laundry and get out without becoming nauseous.

I am really sick of MS taking my life away. I have to find the will to fight even harder to keep what I have. If I am strong when my next relapse takes things away I will have less reconditioning and rebuilding what has atrophied when it lets go.

I am suddenly struck with tiredness, which is strange and unsettling for me. Caffeine time.

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