Fuck this

Having MS is needlessly complicating my life.

I have MS and access to a host of specialists in non-neurology disciplines through the MS clinic. The problem is that there are only one or two of them and they don't work at the clinic full time.

I've been having anxiety morning, noon and night for about a month now so I am pretty sure that it isn't going to go away by just thinking calming thoughts. Knowing that the psychiatrist at the MS clinic isn't available more than one day a week, I called my family doctor.

She won't deal with me because the anxiety is probably MS related, and tells me to get in touch with the psychologist she referred me a year ago. I call that psychologist and she tells me that the anxiety is either related to MS or to the anti-depressant the psychiatrist at the MS clinic put me on, so she won't touch me because she doesn't treat people with MS because she knows nothing about it. (I was referred to her because of stress and anxiety, interestingly enough.)

All I want is some fucking Xanax and to get on with my life. There is no fixing me. I am broken. This is not going to get better through therapy or exercise or whatever. Just give me the fucking drugs so I don't care any more and let me plod along.

It's funny, since I gave up all hope of ever doing better or achieving anything with the rest of my life, my job bothers me way less than it used to but the general anxiety and the dreams about being trapped on the stairs at my parents house whilst black balaclava wearing strangers shine flashlights and take photos through the window got worse.

So I'm on the cancellation list for the psychiatrist at the MS clinic and have an appointment set for September 20 at 2 PM.

I could fucking kill myself by then, but hey, at least I won't see someone who doesn't treat people with MS.

Football and frustrations.

I LOVE PAYTON MANNING AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!

There, now that I've got that out I will continue. My comments will be brief.

I am trying to remember how to sew. It is not going well.

I have a great project complete except for the sewing. Drives me bonkers when I can't move forward with a project because of some crazy logistical problem.

Three more in the works, which is awesome.

I am also trying to figure out what to make for my friend Jackie. My creative juices are not flowing.

I will figure out something.

Thursday brings my appointments with the gynecologist to try to solve my chemotherapy induced menopause issues. Friday brings me to the urologist to see if me having to pee 3,058,673 times a day is related to the menopause or the MS- because apparently it is one or the other.

MS does indeed suck.

Oh the indignity of it all.

What was supposed to be a 1 hour and 15 minute appointment at the MS Clinic turned into a four and a half hour epic.

I was supposed to have a 15 minute drop in with the neurologist to confirm that Copaxone is the way we are going and then go to see the physiotherapist for an hour to get some exercises for my vestibular problems.

My neurologist was running late (qu'elle suprise!) so they sent me to the physiotherapist on time. Great. Then the physiotherapy student working with my physiotherapist was late so a quarter of the way through my assessment we pretty much had to start over to get her up to speed.

My vestibular dizziness problem is very slight, so my exercises are going to be very fine movements of my head and eyes. I ended up with the physiotherapist for half an hour longer than scheduled.

Then I end up back in the waiting room. 45 minutes later my neurologist comes out and we have a short talk. She asks me how many times I have gone to the bathroom that day. When I told her four she wrote out an order on a slip and told me to go see the MS nurse.

I had a bladder ultrasound. My bladder is fine and I have no UTI. The nurse says she's going to refer me to a urologist because I'm too young to have this not be MS related. Then I remind her that I have menopausal symptoms because of the mitoxantrone, she gets wide eyed.

"Still?"

So now I am getting a referral to BC Women's Hospital & Health Centre to get some help for my chemotherapy induced menopause. There is a chance that hormone replacement therapy will kick start my ovaries again, and Women's is the place for that kind of support.

But the gravest injustice is that MS has given me an abundance of old lady problems at the age of 35. I have a cane, my bladder is too active and I'm in menopause.

This is not how I pictured my mid-30s to pan out.