Thursday, January 31, 2013

Weirdly Gruesome

I would like to think my fortunes are shifting. I think that I am being overly optimistic.

Reconnected with some of the people I used to spend every single day with back in 2002 to 2005. It's good to see that so many of them are doing well, and catching up on the changes in their lives has been enlightening.

Trying something new. Have no idea where it's going. 

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


Joe and I both had opportunities to explore gainful employment today. Neither of us have any idea if the jobs we interviewed for are going to end up with paycheques any time soon.

Had an online reunion of sorts today. That was interesting.

Tomorrow there's hockey on TSN that I actually want to watch! Sorry New York Islanders at Pittsburgh, but you ain't my thing.

I cut back on how much tea I drank today and now I want to got to bed at 6:30 PM.

That would be a dumb idea.

I suspect most days that my ability to function in the world is based on my ability to carefully balance my caffeine to blood ratio.


... when you tell someone (or a series of someones) *exactly* what you want, someone says,

"Hey, I might have something like that. Come in and talk to me in the morning."

So I'm going to do that in the morning.

And then you realize you've left the stove on low for more than an hour.

Because you're SMART LIKE TRACTOR.

I'm so happy hockey is back.

Monday, January 28, 2013

I'm Awesome

Over the past week, you logged:

60h 20m
RescueTime 18 more hours than the previous week

Your productivity score:

RescueTime 15% decrease from the previous week

I really, really need a job.

Saturday, January 26, 2013


I have no reason to leave the house.

I have started to force myself to walk around the block once a day.

Someone give me a reason to leave the house.

Thursday, January 24, 2013


I've been avoiding this blank text box for over a week.

Do you ever feel you just want to forget you've got MS, and for periods of time your body and mind don't act up, and with this cooperation allows you a short spell where you can live in that fantasy world?

I just had one of those, so I didn't want to look at my MS related blog.

The illusion of health started to fade yesterday afternoon, and by this afternoon I was mindful of the "residual deficits" MS left me with.

That sucks.

Quick update:

Still no job.
Still no prospects.
No work from my new endeavour.
Plans still on hold.
Losing hope, but it's not gone yet.

Monday, January 14, 2013

A Major Breakthrough

Yesterday it was chilly in my apartment when I woke up. I cajoled my husband into coming back to bed to warm me up, but he found it boring, so he added my TV-watching-blanket to the top of me bed and left. Within minutes I was sound asleep. I slept for an additional four hours.

Shortly before I was diagnosed, having a shower would leave me unable to walk, exhausted, and with short-term memory problems.

Since mitoxantrone, I can have a shower without these symptoms, but I still shower before bed just in case it makes me tired or my legs decide to short out. But I thought I was over the worst of the heat sensitivity.

I cracked a window last night and took the extra blanket off the bed. I woke up around the time I thought I would. Getting warm puts me to sleep. 

Too hot makes me cranky and I can't walk right.
Too cold makes me cranky.
Warm and cozy makes me sleep. Makes me sleep for hours.
My optimum operating temperature is 18 to 22C  (64-72F)

Though I can stay awake at less than 18, so it's a good thing I live in Canada.

So the key to my waking up at a decent hour is to have barely seasonally appropriate bedding and wear summer pjs all year round.

This is a major breakthrough!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

Classic TV

"My mother always used to say: 'The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana.'"
 Rose Nylund (Betty White)
The Golden Girls

I can't fall asleep until I watch The Golden Girls. I laugh out loud at least once during every episode. That almost never happens when I watch current sitcoms.

"You know what they say: you can lead a herring to water, but you have to walk really fast or he'll die."
  Rose Nylund (Betty White)
The Golden Girls

I need a job so bad, if only for the excuse to leave my house and wake up at a time before 10 AM every day.

Tomorrow Joe and I are going to do a bunch of deep cleaning/seasonal chores tomorrow.

I have no idea how that's going to work, but it is going to work.

Thanks Kimli!

Thursday, January 10, 2013

"Who needs action when you got words?"

My current obsessions include, but are not limited to:

Betty White
Finding the time to write
Finding subjects to write about
Cold remedies
Finding a job
Trying to make people like me

Will I reach a point in my life where there's nothing more to say, and only things to do?

Will I reach a point in my life when I realize that the horizon I am looking at today is land under my feet?

I'm never sure if where I am standing is where I planned to be. I knew back then that I wanted to be anywhere but here. But I'm pretty sure that where I am now isn't what I was hoping for.

The eastern horizon is a wall of tree covered volcanic rock. In my tired, weaker moments, I find it claustrophobic. I am unable to fly. That feels like the only way to get free of this place.

"But those were all just guesses, wouldn't help you if they could."

Wednesday, January 9, 2013

91 instead of 89

Betty White is going to turn 91 next week.

My grandmothers never made it to that age, and neither were close to Betty's level of vigour and health for years before they died.

Every time I watch Betty White I get sad a little because I want MY 91 to look like Betty's 91, not the 89 years both my grandmothers made it to.

I have MS. The likelihood that my 91 is going to look like Betty's is... probably overly optimistic.

But I think that I can do something that can make it not like my grandmothers'.

Given the recent medical history in my family, I could stand on a nuclear reactor core and not get cancer. However, if I eat nothing but meat and potatoes or sit down for too long I will have severe dementia for the last three years of my life before having a stroke or brain bleed.

Cardiovascular disease will kill me. It will kill me like it killed every. single. one. of my grandparents.

I want to be Betty, not my grandmothers.

So what do I do about that?

I guess I could start by not fuelling my waking hours with caffeine and sugar, and go back to eating real food of carbohydrates and proteins. 

I'm the kind of person who eats half a pint of Ben and Jerry's or microwaves a bag of popcorn for supper because it's easier than thinking about cooking. I am not a big fan of food and generally only eat until my stomach stops growling. This often leads to a growling stomach a short time later. I have to be in the mood, as well as hungry, to eat. I don't like to eat for no reason.

I could also stop being the kind of person that thinks half a pint of Ben & Jerry's or a bag of microwave popcorn is dinner.

I could also become the kind of person who gets dressed every day. Or the kind of person who gets dressed every day and leaves the house.

Monday, January 7, 2013

I seriously don't want to talk about it.

Well, Week 1 of 2013 is just hours away from completion and I am really, really not impressed.

2013 smells of 2012. It's like it's been contaminated by proximity.

Still no job. Still no idea where to find one.

I'm done. I need to change everything. How I do that is clear, but I lack the resources to do it right now.

Anyone got a spare $10,000 laying around that you'd like to change someone's life with?