Monday, December 31, 2012

This year can fuck off.

Someone has been doing laundry since 8AM! It's almost 5PM.

Next building has in-suite laundry. I am making sure of that.

That said...

I want to say I love you and thank you to my husband, Joe, and my amazing friends, Erin, Amy, Kit, Justin, and David for making 2013 less shitty because I have you in my life.

I'm looking forward to someone giving me a job in 2013.
I'm looking forward to making some changes to our living arrangements in 2013.
I'm looking forward to trying to get back to Wisconsin in 2013.
I'm looking forward things going better in 2013.

I'm looking forward because I am not looking back.

Sunday, December 30, 2012

Stating the Obvious


Team Purple is in the playoffs, even though the Ravens lost, and the Steelers and Patriots won today. 1-3, but everybody is playing next week. Joe even got good news because his childhood favourites, the Bengals, won today and his most hated team since childhood, the Cowboys, were eliminated.

I am so excited to be rid of this year. I am giddy like a school girl.

I miss hockey a lot. If there isn't a resolution in the next few days, all is lost.

Steve Stamkos is still butt ugly.

So many things.

I have to do laundry tomorrow, just so I can wash the fabric I need to sew into a pillow.

I want to get this thing done by midnight on December 31, just so I can say I finished it in 2012.

Rage against the penis is a real thing. I have to stop reading the feminist web again, so I can forget.

I also need to stop watching old men cry on television when they provide commentary in WWII documentaries.

I don't know if I have enough time in the next two days to get all of the crafting, writing, and planning I want to do by midnight on December 31. Writing is the most difficult, crafting is the most time consuming, and planning is the most exhausting.

Maybe I should go to bed now?

Friday, December 28, 2012


I wrote last night,

"My "Urvertrauen" (basic trust) in the basic goodness of existence itself is shaken. I can't read the news any more. I really don't want to be part of the human race any more. There's nothing I can do to help and nothing is going to change.

I'm not suicidal, I just want to quit the world."

Thanks Jason.

Why do I feel this way?

This, this, this, and this. And those are only the beginning.

Thursday, December 27, 2012

Magic Mike

I watched Magic Mike, the epic film by acclaimed American director Steven Soderberg, on the flight from Vancouver to Toronto. Air Canada made this possible by giving each seat its own screen.

That Channing Tatum is one charming motherfucking pig.

I never have cash, but I got some for my trip. In doing so I finally put my hands on one of the new polymer $20 bills.

I think the Queen looks angry.

This morning I tucked the twenty in the waistband of my husband's boxer-briefs. He didn't even grind me.

I think I want my money back.

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

Home again.

Went to Ontario, gave eulogy, hung out with my parents, my sister, and my aunt, went home.

Things I learned on my flight home: 
There was a glitch with the map feature on the plane so I flew 47,736 kms in 2 hours and 40 minutes from Winnipeg to Vancouver via Berlin, Germany. Awesome supersonic plane technology I guess.
The temperature at 9,000m altitude was 20 degrees warmer than it was on the ground in Winnipeg.
Chicken and bacon quesadillas are awesome.
C.C. and Coke is awesome.
I could not find someone in my home town to be a bad influence on me, for the first time in my entire life.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

So my grandma died.

I'm writing the eulogy.

I've got a four and a half hour flight to Ontario, by myself, on Friday.

Then I get to deliver the eulogy sometime after 1 PM on Saturday.

Then I get to spend two days with my family, though I am not sure where.

Then I get to check in at YYZ before 9 AM on Tuesday which will mean that I get to spend several hours on Christmas Day waiting for my Vancouver flight in YWG.

(Look that up.)

I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I think I might be dehydrated.

So I'm going to brush my teeth, get into bed, sip my first and only vodka and Coke of the day(don't knock it 'til you try it, but it is better with vanilla vodka), and hope that it puts me before midnight.

I'll try to put pixels to blank text box on Friday, but no promises.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

Finally, a post about MS

Here is the nationwide survey for people with MS, their family and caregivers.

Four years since my diagnosis and I haven't really gotten worse. Since I stopped walking with a cane almost a year and a half ago I have had no improvement, but I haven't gotten worse. I guess I need to be grateful for small mercies.

I have a lifetime diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, but I do not qualify for the Disability Tax Credit (DTC). That's fine. I'm not disabled. The Canadian government offers people with disabilities the opportunity to save money for future infirmity tax-free with a Registered Disability Savings Plan (RDSP) but you can't get an RDSP unless you qualify for the DTC.

This is the single biggest tax issue I have with the Canada Revenue Agency. They don't allow people with diagnoses with probable catastrophic diseases save money without penalty for the day when they can't earn their own money.

That's the thing with MS. Today I'm able to be a taxpaying, contributing member of society and tomorrow I could be disabled for life. And because that disability isn't "intrusive" enough, I'm not a disabled person. I'm a person with a disability.

How awesome is that. :\

Sunday, December 16, 2012


Google Hides Porn

"The change took effect in the U.S. only, and hasn’t yet been implemented in Canada."

Yes, that is a person completely covered in watermelons, surrounded by other watermelons.

Ours is not to reason why...

I have not much to say otherwise. I've been watching episodes of "Nova: The Fabric of the Cosmos".

Quantum mechanics FTW!

And I watched Apocalypse 2012, If you can't watch it on the CBC site... here it is on YouTube.

I found the thing really, really entertaining considering that all the people were interviewed over a year ago. I also became acquainted with some conspiracy theories that I had not heard of before. There's a couple of doozies, including Peter Gersten, Esq. 
"That’s right, the man plans to leap from a cliff-face over the putative Mayan apocalypse."

Speaking of porn... WTF is up with this?



Two weeks until the end of this year. I really, really want to just sleep through the whole thing.

Friday, December 14, 2012

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Not Magical

12-12-12 is the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life.

She gets mad and she starts to cry
She takes a swing. Man, she can't hit
She don't mean no harm
She just don't know
What else to do about it

So here's the breakdown on my breakdown.

I've been basically unemployed since April 1, with about 10 weeks of temp employment over three months - July, August and September. I guess a little of October too. I've had just two face-to-face interviews in that time, and I've come in second both times.

I have limited weeks remaining on my Employment Insurance claim; we're running out of income. I found out today that it's a little bit longer than we thought, but I have more weeks paid out than I have weeks left in my claim at this point.

I'm not allowed to share publicly what Joe's situation is, but suffice it to say that he's not a slacker or kicking back, relaxing. We're in full scale panic at this point.

In looking at our options we are facing some really critical decisions in the next two weeks to two months.
Some of the options are, but not limited to:
  1. Selling everything we can, throwing out what we can't, packing up whatever we can carry or afford to ship to my parents house, give notice on our apartment and leave for anywhere east of here that we can find jobs.
  2. Another choice after giving notice is to split up and try to find jobs in two different places and whomever is successful first decides where we land.
  3. Waiting it out to find a job and if my EI claim ends, Joe quits school and we go on welfare until one or both of us can find a job.
  4. Joe would have to put off a whole bunch of educational goals for at least another 16 months if that is the case.
  5. He's pissed that we even have to consider that, for a whole bunch of reasons not unrelated to industry ageism.
So, I've barely stopped crying. This still isn't as bad as being told I have MS, but it's pretty damn close.

I have been relapse free since my initial attack in December 2008. I have 98% of the faculties I had in 2007.
I have not used a cane since September 2011.
I have not needed to use my shower seat since 2010.
I have not slept for more than 10 hours in a row since 2009.
I have not had double vision since January 2009.

MS so far has not killed me, but it has not made me stronger.

I will be so happy when this year is over. Or this decade. Or this century.
I'm so fucking fed up with the realities of being me, I just want to quit.

Monday, December 10, 2012

Submitted Without Comment

These two photos accurately demonstrate the contents of my brain. Hopefully I'm back to sleep within the next 90 minutes.

Purple was 1-1 today. Pittsburgh had their asses handed to them and the Patriots don't play until tomorrow.

World Juniors start in 16 days! YAY! I don't know if I am going to stay up or wake up early to watch Canada's first game against Germany at 1:30 AM PST. I hate when the tournament is in Russia.

Saturday, December 8, 2012

So there I was...

...waxed on cold & flu medications because yesterday I felt like death warmed over. 

Now I just feel like more night-time cold and flu medication. Because I can.


I've taken to watching 1990s episodes of Law & Order before The Golden Girls come on. It's funny to watch cops use payphones.

I want tacos. There are no tacos here. It's also close to 11:30 pm, so finding tacos that aren't surrounded by drunken douchebags is an impossibility.

"Now, you know what they say about hopes -- they're what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else." - John Malkovich - 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Saturday Night Live, 2008

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

On the next one

Got my official "we're moving in a different direction" email from the person who interviewed me last Thursday.

Officially that leaves my job interview on Monday as my only real prospect for gainful employment. I'm still applying for stuff, but I am really frustrated.

My new project is going okay, I guess. I'm too afraid to check the analytics because I'll be sad and disappointed, I think.

Are The Who going to sing all of their CSI theme songs on the Grammy nominations?

On a related note, I only recently found out that the band that sings Pumped Up Kicks isn't the same band that sings We Are Young. I clearly don't pay attention to pop radio or watch videos very often.

Also, Adam Levine. I would love to have a highly inappropriate relationship with him for a short period of time.


I'm leaving the house tomorrow! YAY!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Project launched

If you're my Facebook friend you know that I showed my new project to the world today.

Nothing really happened after that. I got some good SEO advice. I got some Facebook likes. I've starting writing more stuff.

Trevin is still the most overrated on The Voice.
I still LOVE Melanie.
I still think Nicholas should win.

I think I've been typing for too long and too many days in a row. I barely have any feeling in my hands. I had to get Joe to take the lid off my new container of yoghurt because I couldn't grip it.

MS is an inconvenience in my life, but often it's the inconveniences that make me feel as helpless as a toddler.

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Things are coming together

Website is coming together. About a day and a half until it launches.

Still no job. Second interview coming up on the in a week or so.

My muscles aren't working tonight because it is so damn hot in here I have the window open and I'm wearing shorts.

We've never turned the heat on in this apartment since we moved in two years ago. There are heated spots on the walls and floors. We're apparently directly above the hot water tank and most of the pipes to the other two floors flow through our interior walls. As a result, we don't have to turn on the heat and have like $20 a month electricity bills. Add to the natural heat from the apartment we also had the oven on to make dinner and I had a shower as hot as I can physically stand it. I am sweltering.

My English skills start failing when I get hot. My physical coordination starts to fail. Hopefully things start to cool off in here so I can get some more work done.

I'm wonky and tired. I'm not sure if this post is in English. I think I'm done here.