And for something...

... completely the same.

Still hate it here, but change is coming. We're moving to a more interesting neighbourhood on June 1.

Bigger apartment, for less, in a neighbourhood that has a grocery store I can walk to.

There's a public library and an art gallery that appears to have a cafe a block away.

It's closed on Mondays so I'll have to check it out for certain before we move.

There are also 4 bars within 4 blocks of my house.

***

I love my friend Erin and I don't care who knows it.

She literally sent me mail that will save my life.

***

I've decided that I am going to stick it out here in Windsor, whilst keeping my options open to leave.

I will spend an hour a week looking for jobs away from here and making contacts with people in other cities, but otherwise my focus is on trying to make this place livable and growing my business.

This place could have so much going for it if only it would start acting like a city and not a working-class suburb of a US city.

***

“

Suicidal feelings are not the same as giving up on life. Suicidal feelings often express a powerful and overwhelming need for a different life. Suicidal feelings can mean, in a desperate and unyielding way, a demand for something new. Listen to someone who is suicidal and you often hear a need for change so important, so indispensable, that they would rather die than go on living without the change. And when the person feels powerless to make that change happen, they become suicidal. Help comes when the person identifies the change they want and starts to believe it can actually happen. Whether it is overcoming an impossible family situation, making a career or study change, standing up to an oppressor, gaining relief from chronic physical pain, igniting creative inspiration, feeling less alone, or beginning to value their self worth, at the root of suicidal feelings is often powerlessness to change your life – not giving up on life itself.

-- Will Hall, Living with suicidal feelings

Debrief - Part 1 of an Indeterminate Amount of Blog Posts

There's so many things that I want to say about Vancouver, but writing them down in the emotional turmoil of our quickly scheduled move seemed... unwise.

I landed in Vancouver on the evening of September 20, 2003.

I left Vancouver on the afternoon of April 25, 2013.

That's 6 months shy of 10 years. I had four apartments in that time. I dated five Vancouver-based people. I had 9 jobs; 13 if you include short-term temping. I was diagnosed with MS there. I found out who my friends were there.

Things I Totally Do Not Regret

1. Getting on that plane.
2. Dating Finn.
3. Breaking up with Finn.
4. Moving to East Van.
5. "Growing up" here, for lack of a better description.
6. Becoming friends with the women I became friends with.
7. Not getting into yoga.
8. Trying to stay in Vancouver.
9. Falling in love.
10. Deciding that Vancouver's latest rejection would be its last.

***

Maybe I missed a key developmental phase or something - but I never fell in love with the place.

As a city, it's kind of lame. No pedestrian culture and no grown-up drinking scene that isn't a plastic-coated freak-show straight out of the The Real Housewives of Vancouver (which is, shockingly, a real thing).

Everyone seem to spend their time and money trying to get away from there, either to the wilderness or Seattle. No one wants to really *live* there, it seems.

The pretty view doesn't pay the rent... and the view is only pretty when it isn't raining.

I never was smitten by the tourist brochures. I never felt a "soul" here because everything - and I mean everything but the Stanley Park cedars - seems so impermanent. It feels like nothing is established; like everything is temporary - including the people.

I said once before that Vancouver only felt like home when I was away from it. I realize now that "home" was about where my bed and my belongings were, not about the city in which those things resided. My new town will not feel like home until I get a proper bed to sleep in. Which given our financial situation, and Joe's new-found aversion to owning stuff, is going to be a long time.

I don't miss Vancouver, which isn't to say that I've fallen in love with this place either, but I really am glad I'm gone. 

***

I don't know what the future brings. My life is a blank slate as of May 1, 2013. I have an appointment with a temp agency on Wednesday morning. I am perpetually lost here and have no sense of direction unless I can figure out where the Detroit River is in relation to where I am, which is not very often. I'm going to start writing more; both this blog and my professional persona's.

***

But I do know what my past held, and I don't regret a minute of it. The two people who originally brought me to Vancouver haven't been a part of my life in 8 or 9 years at this point.

I loved them both at one time. I will always be grateful to them for being in my life exactly when they were. I would not be the person I am without them.

***

Confidential to E: You are the only person I cried over. You're the only person I still get teary-eyed about. I miss you so much.

***

I will probably return to Vancouver to visit any friends who might remain there in a year or so. I will never live there again. It turns out that I'm just not a "West Coast Person". I'm okay with that. I don't know that I am a "Southern Ontario Person", but I'm okay with that too.

This.

So much this.

***

I believe my husband has grossly underestimated the amount of shit we own. I think we're full, and he hasn't even started packing his clothes yet.

He has a lot of clothes.

***

I am so tired. But margaritas at 4:30 pm might not be helping that.

***

I will not buy a home in an neighbourhood that has a shortened name, just in case it's "DoWiSeTrePla".

***

I'm not ready to talk about how much I am going to miss my friends.

Fraud

I don't know if you know this, but:

1. I have never seen a Star Wars movie.


2. I know "These are not the droids you are looking for.", "Luke, I am your father.", "Jedi mind trick",  and I know that someone loses a hand, at some point. I know these things mostly because of cultural references in movies and TV shows I have seen. Oh, and I know that Sam Jackson's light sabre is purple.


3. I have never seen a Star Trek movie. I have seen key scenes from the original series. I know what the trouble is with Tribbles, I have seen the Kirk gets it on with an alien scene, and I know "Vulcan mind meld". I know that yelling the word "KHAAANNNN" is somehow significant, as well.


4. Until two years ago I had never watched an entire episode of any version of Star Trek. I like Janeway, but Picard is going to be born on my 331st birthday, so we're awesome.


5. I love George Takei because he's fabulous and fierce. Not because he was on Star Trek.


6. I know the difference between  "Jedi mind trick" and "Vulcan mind meld" because I wanted to find out why Twitter was mad at President Barack Obama. Google knows everything.


7. I saw Doctor Who when I was in kindergarten or grade one. Polka Dot Door finished, I left the room, and when I came back there was a man in a dark room who looked like he had half turned into a cactus. He had all these spikes coming out of his face and head. It terrified me.
   
   I was almost 30 before I found out that Doctor Who wasn't in the horror genre.


8. I tried to LARP once. I ended up getting drunk at the bar across the street with the friend who brought me because someone decided that my "reason for being" wasn't proper to the story. Or something about my "progeny" not being plausible.
   
   It was a game about fucking vampires. THERE IS NOTHING PLAUSIBLE ABOUT THAT.
   
   RIP, Frank.


9. I read a Terry Pratchett book once. I don't remember a thing about it. I don't remember what it was called. I think it's possible there were some elves in it.


10. I read the four book trilogy The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to impress a guy. I don't know that it actually impressed him, but I do know that I understood many of his catch phrases and humour much better after reading it. All I remember at this point is "So long, and thanks for all the fish" and the answer to the ultimate question of life the universe and everything is 42.
    
    John, if you are reading this, yes, you were the guy I was trying to impress.
    
    No, I'm not proud of that.


11. I played a table-top, dice rolling, RPG once. It involved the apocalypse and body armour. Perhaps an earlier nuclear annihilation. I did this because...

Yanno what, I'm just going to blunt here... everything classically nerdy I have ever done was to impress a guy I liked, or because I was in the room when the guy I liked was doing something nerdy.

That's how I learned to play RISK. That's how I learned to play poker. That's how I found out about Monty Pyton. That's how I learned to follow NFL football.

Left to my own devices I nerd out over Supreme Court of Canada rulings, feminist intersectionality, economics, organizing books, productivity apps, style, current events, the NHL in general, and the Montreal Canadiens in specific.  Most of these things are particularly anti-social, but I'm fortunate to have at least a couple of them in common with my spouse. My "mindless, zone-out" activities are reading the only fiction author I like, Michael Slade, and playing Zynga/Facebook flash games.

Don't judge me.

A group of people with MS walk into a bar...

I've belonged to two MS groups on Facebook (I remain a member in only one), and probably a half a dozen other sites or forums at one point or another. On Facebook I've had some problems with being friended by women who think it's great that we both have MS and then being defriended shortly after they see the stuff I post to my wall. I post a lot of stuff about marriage equality, trans* equality, anti-bullying, anti-racism, atheist organizations, feminism, intersectionality, and rape culture. I also swear a FUCK of a lot.

This is apparently a problem.

It probably doesn't help that almost NEVER a happy person. I choose not to waste my energy seeking an ideal I've only been able to obtain in 10 to 30 second increments. I get the orgasm, I drink the cocktail, and/or I find the perfect thing, it's perfect for a moment, then it's done, and so is being happy for that day. I am content most days, but this constant drive to "Happy" is just one of those insane perfectionist, crazy making, unachievable ideals.

Fuck that shit.

That worldview don't go over so well with the chronically ill. I have yet to see the benefits of trying to be fucking happy when it comes to curing any of my MS symptoms. I try to remain positive around my friends and loved ones, if only to make sure that I am not alienating myself from them.

But the biggest thing I've learned in the past three years is that sometimes the only thing I've got in common with a person who has MS is the fact we both have MS. That's not enough to build a friendship around. At least for me.

Weirdly Gruesome

I would like to think my fortunes are shifting. I think that I am being overly optimistic.

***

Reconnected with some of the people I used to spend every single day with back in 2002 to 2005. It's good to see that so many of them are doing well, and catching up on the changes in their lives has been enlightening.

***

Trying something new. Have no idea where it's going. 

Clueless

Joe and I both had opportunities to explore gainful employment today. Neither of us have any idea if the jobs we interviewed for are going to end up with paycheques any time soon.

***

Had an online reunion of sorts today. That was interesting.

***

Tomorrow there's hockey on TSN that I actually want to watch! Sorry New York Islanders at Pittsburgh, but you ain't my thing.

***

I cut back on how much tea I drank today and now I want to got to bed at 6:30 PM.

That would be a dumb idea.

I suspect most days that my ability to function in the world is based on my ability to carefully balance my caffeine to blood ratio.

This year can fuck off.

Someone has been doing laundry since 8AM! It's almost 5PM.

Next building has in-suite laundry. I am making sure of that.

***

That said...

I want to say I love you and thank you to my husband, Joe, and my amazing friends, Erin, Amy, Kit, Justin, and David for making 2013 less shitty because I have you in my life.

***

I'm looking forward to someone giving me a job in 2013.

I'm looking forward to making some changes to our living arrangements in 2013.

I'm looking forward to trying to get back to Wisconsin in 2013.

I'm looking forward things going better in 2013.

I'm looking forward because I am not looking back.

"And that, of course, is a cat."

I went to the TheatreSports Improv drop-in class at the community centre on Granville Island yesterday afternoon with an old friend that I've known since kindergarten. We haven't seen each other in over 20 years, and have lived about 30 minutes apart for the past 5 years. Yesterday we finally made plans to do something, and improv class, food, drink, gelato and a long walk were the order of the day.

We talked about the past in ways that made me extremely grateful I started dating smarter men in my 20s and relieved I decided to get the fuck out of my home town so many years ago.

Improv class was fun, challenging and tiring. Playing "Build a Story One Word at a Time" is exceedingly difficult when your partner is there because his ESL teacher has suggested it as a fun way to work on his English. It's also difficult to play a game that has ONE RULE with someone who can't seem to remember that single rule. It's maddening to be left hanging out to dry like that. There is also a tonne of walking in improv class. I had to sit down twice that I remember. Maybe three times.

We met a lovely young man named Ed from Salisbury, Wiltshire, England. He is 28. He loves it here in Vancouver but his girlfriend most decidedly does not. He had a drink with us before heading off to meet up with his girlfriend. That is pretty much everything I know about Ed.

I don't want to be an actor. That much is clear.

To Eddie... with love.

Until Facebook, Frank and I exchanged semi-annual emails - usually in the new year and sometime between my birthday in July and his birthday in November.

I last time I saw him was a few years ago; he had been living in Korea for years and quite unexpectedly announced that he was moving to Vancouver. I saw him shortly after he arrived. He was OUTRAGED that he had been there an entire WEEK and had not secured a teaching position. He was worried about living off his savings and going broke in Vancouver.

He asked me when the sun would come out. I told him "Next summer."

We had lunch. We went for a walk. He complained loudly about how badly his last partner had treated him. He met my husband and expressed surprise at my settling down. We sat together on the sofa and talked about mutual acquaintances and "Do you remember the time..." all afternoon.

He said he had some interviews lined up and he would be in touch. A hug, a couple of air kisses and a "I love you, Pats." "Cheers. Thanks a lot. Love you too, Eddie." and he was gone.

The next time I heard from him was months later. He sent me a Facebook friend request. That's how I found out he had gone back to Korea.

"Sorry." he said.

It was kind of a last minute thing. The next time he came back to Canada he'd book a stopover in Vancouver. We'll have lunch. Go for a drink. Something.

He never did.

We kept in touch via Facebook. We posted smarmy messages on each other's walls. Over the past few years I watched him literally work his ass off.

"I AM THIN AND GORGEOUS!" was our rallying cry. He was getting to where he wanted to be. He had plans... and none of those plans led back to Canada. Of that he was sure.

He apologized to me for being such a crap friend while he was in Vancouver. I told him that I was okay, that I love him just for being him and no matter what I would always be there for him. He promised again to stop in Vancouver the next time he was coming to Canada to visit his family.

That's not going to happen now.

Three weeks ago Frank, my friend - probably my oldest friend, dropped dead at 38.

I have known him for 19 years - half his life and just over half of mine. He was my friend for my entire adult life. I am glad he is my friend. I wouldn't love many of the things I do without his influence. He was the Edina Monsoon to my Patsy Stone. My life has an empty space where my Eddie should be. I'm sorry he won't be here to see what we all amount to.

Lastly, I hope they can find him an urn that he would be caught dead in. Sometimes fabulous friends can be high maintenance even in death.

"But is it art, Eddie?"

I hope so.

My friend died.

One of my oldest friends apparently just dropped dead for no apparent reason sometime in the past 24 hours.

He's been living in South Korea for ever and ever and I haven't seen him since he tried briefly to live in Vancouver about four or five years ago.

His birthday was Remembrance Day. I'll never forget him.

Since I don't believe in an afterlife and I don't believe that he's reading this right now or that he knows that I will miss our talks online and be sad that we never got to see each other again, I'll just say it to you, dear Reader:

I'll miss talking with my friend, Frank. I am sad that we never got a chance to see each other again.

The previous three thoughts that I typed out and then deleted remind me that my attitudes about death aren't "normal" and I don't want to have the words come out wrong or with a tone and tenor that can't be heard in this medium, I'll just shut up now.

But I do know that I made a To-Do list for today and I have done everything but one. That feels good.

Listography 9 - List the People You Love the Most

(Other than the first three the remainder of the list is random as long as its understood that I love Lady Gaga MORE than Simon, Finn and Virgil. Possibly combined.)

1. Joe Kidwell
2. My mum.
3. My grandma.
4. Erin
5. Drew
6. Joe's mum.
7. Lady Gaga
8. Simon
9. Smart people.
10. Mrs. Gillespie (though I'm pretty sure she's dead. What the hell, I'll add dead people to this list.)
11. Finn
12. Whomever created the Colagallo. (It's a cocktail that includes tequila AND Coca-Cola!)
13. Louise Arbour
14. Coco Chanel (see? More dead people!)
15. Virgil
16. Cathy Hickson (also dead, but most of you don't know her)
17. Sherry Trafford? Meuris?
18. Christian Louboutin
19. Oscar
20. Ben
21. Donna