Monday, December 12, 2011

Three years.

There is a view of the Lions that can only be had from the SkyTrain on the track between Main Street - Science World and Commercial-Broadway Stations. Because of how fast the train moves and how crappy my camera is I've never been able to catch a non-blurry photo of it. I'm not incredibly enamoured by the mountains, but that 1 minute of time is my favourite view of my favourite range.

Not the view, but close...
THE LIONS    Vancouver, B.C.
Photo By vermillion$baby on

Today is my third MS-iversary. I've been trying not to feel anything about today at all. I've failed, because I'm just sad. Every single thing about my life changed three years ago, leaving nothing untouched. I've obsessed over every choice I have ever made, wondering constantly if I would have had the life I do if I had been diagnosed with this when I was younger, or if I had questioned any of the crazy things my brain had done earlier in my life.

But mostly I just feel ugly and stupid. My cognitive issues plague me. I can't remember things and have constant problems with word selection and that makes me feel like an idiot, especially when people laugh at my stupid word choices. I still weigh 40 lbs more than I used to and I don't even recognize my body when I catch a glimpse in the mirror. My hair and skin have been fucked up since the mitoxantrone and no amount of skin and hair consultations have fixed it.

The good stuff is that Joe and I are still together, we're still very much in love and I would not be where I am if it were not for him. He's exactly 5 days away from finishing his BA in Poli-Sci and I could not be more proud of him for sticking it out and doing as well as he did in spite of the fact that he has a sick, crazy wife and very little money or available credit.

I have not used a cane in over three months, probably closer to four. I have not had to go to bed immediately upon arriving home from work in more than two years. I have a job that, while not incredibly fulfilling or interesting, pays the bills and does not leave me suicidal. I can walk, I have 20/20 vision, very little in the way of intrusive MS symptoms, and I continue to hope for a cure and a way to undo the damage already done.

My MS Walk page will be up in the New Year and I hope to work with Team Gl*tterB*tches to do one big event as well as our regular fund raising. I love my B*tches. They're great people and another bit of good stuff in my life.

I continue to put one foot in front of the other and suit up and show up for my daily obligations. I remain hopeful that one day I will figure out what I want to be when I grow up and that will allow me to not be broke while being happy.

I'm going to try to do things differently in the next year. I don't want to say what, or how, because every time I make broad pronouncements about what I want to do I fail miserably. One thing I have found out in the past year is that people who love you so very rarely hold you accountable for failures if they don't think what you're failing at is important or necessary.

I think about the past too much. If you've known me since before 2003 I'm probably thinking about you right now.