Sunday, February 20, 2011


Someone from my deepest, darkest past sent me a message today that said, "Wow, are you different!"

Bear in mind that I have not had a conversation with this person since I was 19 or 20 years old, so that comment should come as a compliment. I am SO HAPPY that someone noticed I am not the person I was 16 years ago.

As a result I started thinking about my resolution for 2011, and realized that almost 9 weeks into the year my resolutions are still on track.

Yeah, I know. I was shocked too.

In late December I started reading this book. "This Year I Will..." - I read a chapter every day in the month of January and now I'm reading the remaining ones every second day. (There are 48 chapters, mostly three or four pages)

I'm nearing the end and I feel that it has given me or reminded me of the tools that I need to still be in the game 50 days later. I'm really amazed by this simple and compact group of ideas. Why I am succeeding now makes sense, but I've also learned why I failed in the past - and that's huge.

I want to make some changes to my daily and weekly habits in March, and I'm going to be going back through the book to do it. I think I am going to stick with the every second day reading and focus and it occurred to me that I could blog about it.

So, gentle reader, would you be interested in reading my thoughts about change? This is a completely serious question, and all votes will be published. If you don't want me to know it's you voting NO, make sure you respond anonymously through Blogspot.

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Anthem - 2011

Don't be drag, just be a queen
Whether you're broke or evergreen
You're black, white, beige, chola descent
You're lebanese, you're orient
Whether life's disabilities
Left you outcast, bullied or teased
Rejoice and love yourself today
'Cause baby, you were born this way

No matter gay, straight or bi
lesbian, transgendered life
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to survive
No matter black, white or beige
chola or orient made
I'm on the right track, baby
I was born to be brave

Wednesday, February 16, 2011


It's a damn good thing that I was a card carrying member of Team No Babies in 2009.

It's official.

With an FSH level of 49 I am (drum roll please)


The ovaries are done, dude. Mitoxantrone cooked them.

The plus side is that I won't have to worry about o.b's discontinuing my favoured absorbency. Maybe I can sell what few I have to the highest bidder?

This feels kind of weird though. I mean, I'm only 36. Am I now going to start shaking my fist and telling those darn kids to get off my lawn?

I've been off hormone replacement therapy for about 6 weeks with little problem. I now have all the time in the world to decide if I want to go back on it or if I want to mitigate my estrogen loss in other ways like diet, exercise and supplements.

Stuff to think about that I wouldn't have to think about if it weren't for MS.

Stupid MS.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

This is counting toward my daily writing total

I don’t have enough time or energy to work on my project and blog in the same day. Today… the blog wins. I’m in sort of a weird space right now.

On one hand I joined SparkPeople last year to try to lose some weight because I am unhappy with the way I look.

On the other hand I have some wonderful friends who are open and passionate about fat acceptance.

On one hand I completely love and accept their fat and the fat of others. On the other hand, I hate my own fat and will do what it takes to get rid of it.

What it takes to get rid of it does NOT include crash diets, pills, potions, powders, enemas, "cleanses" or hocus pocus.

What it does take is being mindful of the fuel I put in my body and taking the time and spending the energy to move that body.

I am NEVER going to be 115 lbs because I would look and feel sick if I was. I am, however, going to be 135 - 140 lbs and be strong. I hate my fat because it means, right now, that I have not been taking care of my body. But I am trying to change that.

I was talking with the MS nurse today and told her about doing cardio and weight training. She agreed that it was good for me. She told me that building lean muscle mass can help me recover from a relapse. Deconditioning, rather than nerve damage, can be the cause of many symptoms of weakness and instability. If you’re in good condition before the relapse it takes a lot longer to decondition and makes getting back in condition easier. Muscles have memory and triggering that memory can make recovery happen in half the time.

So, I’m trying to get in shape because I want a strong, fit body, not a skinny, helpless one. I am trying to get in shape because I’m watching my grandmother lose her mind slowly because she did not take care of her body. I’m trying to get into shape because my three dead grandparents didn’t take care of their hearts. I’m trying to get into shape because I love me enough to not want to be trapped in a body that doesn’t work. If MS takes my body, it’s not going to do it without a fight.

And when I manage to get my body back to where I feel sexy and together again, I hope you won’t sneer that I’m buying into some gender –normative social construct beauty myth.