Music: Response

You love this town 
Even if that doesn't ring true 
You've been all over 
And it's been all over you 

I am not generally a fan of U2's later work, but Beautiful Day just bounces with hopefulness. This particular verse also reflects my feelings about Vancouver.

I will not pretend
I will not put on a smile
I will not say I'm all right for you
When all I wanted was to be good
To do everything in truth
To do everything in truth

I am more familiar with Rufus' work, but this verse from Martha Wainwright's Bloody Mother Fucking Asshole kicked me in the gut. This song is three chords and the truth.

You are the dancing queen, young and sweet, only seventeen
Dancing queen, feel the beat from the tambourine
You can dance, you can jive, having the time of your life
See that girl, watch that scene, digging the dancing queen

Disco is just happy, joyful and makes me want to dance. ABBA are the Royal Court of Disco, and Dancing Queen is their anthem.

If you're not dancing, then you're dead.

Just how much fun are Marilyn Manson tunes, really? If I were a club goer, I'd do the jitterbug to this tune. But I'm not and I can't so I'll just use this a walking tune. Fun! Doll-Dagga-Buzz-Buzz-Ziggity-Zag!

And we'll all float on alright
Already we'll all float on alright.
Don't worry even if things end up a bit to heavy
We'll all float on alright

Life has shit happen, but it'll all work out. This is something I'm really impatient about and this helps me remember that. Thanks, Modest Mouse!

I've had enough of hiding underneath my covers
I'm done with all that poop that brings me down

I've taken to singing this song *Really LOUD* whilst Joe is at school. I'd never heard of Cloud Cult before this project but I'm really glad I have heard of them now. I will laugh through hurricanes and fire, and I will link to a youTube video of the song live at some club so you can get on board with the Cloud Cult. It takes a minute of instrumental-ing to get going. And yes they do use the word *poop*.

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed

This is a happy little song. I also like Jason Mraz's use of hats as an affectation. So this song gets a thumbs up. It would get two, but he mentions ear nibbling in the song and I think that's gross.

Hey, I wanna drive the Zamboni
Hey, I wanna drive the Zamboni

I love corny hockey songs; they're a secret vice of mine. Since no one knows about my love of this particular genre, I'm shocked that I know anyone else who does.

Being like you are
Well this is something else, who would comprehend?
But some that do, lay claim
Divine purpose blesses them
That's not what I believe, and it doesn't matter anyway

This song reminds me that I can't let this disease change me, swallow me up whole and become the thing that defines the way I interact with the world. It's a pretty, pretty song that empowers me to keep moving. Illusion by VNV Nation regularly makes me tear up, so no listening to it on public transit.

Feelin pretty good and that's the truth
It's neither drink nor drug induced
No I'm just doin alright

And it's a great day to be alive
I know the sun's still shinin when I close my eyes
There's some hard times in the neigborhood
But why can't every day be just this good?

I generally have a *hate-hate* relationship with country music, but this song came from an old friend of my sister's. She listened to this song a lot while her husband was deployed in Afghanistan, and if it got her through that, then I can sing along to it (again, while Joe's not home) and get something out of that good vibe. That's kind of the point of this exercise; to get a lesson in inspiration, and where it comes from, from my friends.

The next song is an instrumental, so I've got no lyrical content.

Linus and Lucy is a happy, happy song that makes me want to dance like the kids in the Peanuts which is where I'm convinced I would've got some of my best dancefloor moves.

Your hand won't write, not tonight,
But your mind may wander.
Into those deep lagoons that you know.

Sarah Harmer's Lodestar reminds me of summer nights spent near places like Chemong Lake, the Madawaska River, Centennial Lake, Little Lake and the Otonabee River. I've never lived far from a body of water, and I think it's because of these places. I can live with or without the mountains, but I think it's about time to go beach glass hunting again.

I will not fail nor falter, I shall succeed
My perception is altered, I do believe
Faith is so strong now nothing shall bar my way
Firm conviction is no fiction
This is my day

YAY! This one is on the walking list. It makes me want to march. It makes me want to move, move, move any mountain. Of laundry. Or mountains that were previously molehills.

Can't you see, life's easy
If you consider things
From another point of view

This is a groovy wee tune that I sing as well. This song immediately popped into mind as my mental health professional and I were talking about expectations and the future. It's a toe tapper, and has a great beat for walking to as well.

Where's your head at?
Where's your head at?
Where's your head at?
Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up.
Where's your head at? Where's your head at?
Change my pitch up, smack my bitch up.
Where's your head at? Where's your head at?

Ima HUGE fan of mashups. I can't even begin to explain how much joy I have personally enjoyed this song. I haven't heard Where's Your Head At? since 2002 or 2003, and Smack My Bitch Up is a club staple of the late 1990s. This song gets me moving, and when you move as little and as awkwardly as I do, any little bit helps.

Les sanglots longs
des violons
de l’automne
blessent mon coeur .
D’une langueur monotone
tout suffocant
et blême. Quand
sonne l’heure
je me souviens
des jours anciens et je pleure.

The best I could do with translation was by using my Grades 1 through 10 French education, knowledge of Quebec licence plate slogans, and freetranslation.com. This is the best I could come up with.

"The long cries (or sobs, not sure) of the violins of the fall injure my heart
A monotonous languor all suffocating and pale
When the hour rings I remember old days and I cry."

The song sounds a bit happier than it is, but being reminded that I could still probably learn French is a good one. And I love trumpet. Totally dig trumpet. It's way less "honky" than sax.

Tonight I'll dream while in my bed
when silly thoughts go through my head
about the bugs and alphabet
When I wake tomorrow I'll bet
that you and I will walk together again
I can tell that we are going to be friends.
Yes I can tell that we are gonna be friends.

This is song is so innocent and sweet. That's all.

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then

This is a happy song about a depressing situation. It reminds that there's nothing I can do to change the past, things are going to change no matter what, and in the end all you can do is put on a purple sequined jumpsuit, dance and take a bow.

I'd just like to thank the friends who helped with this. It taught me a lot about the people I know. I'm not particularly close to the vast majority of people who responded, I had a couple of people punk out on me and were kind of mean about it, and it taught me to find find inspiration in the works of others.

My social worker is sending me to the MS clinic psychiatrist to figure out sleep, depression, and getting a referral to a therapist who can deal with me. It's funny that cognitive behavioural therapists in this town don't deal with people with chronic illnesses. That's too bad because CBT is the only type of therapy I have any sort of confidence in. I'm not sure that therapy can help this time, but I am willing to investigate the possibility.

I've almost completed my Level 1 - Enforcer level in Mafia Wars. YAY.

And we'll all float on alright...

PPPS

The 17 18  songs I received from my friends for my music project. They will not be identified by song, but I'd like to thank Lesley, Sam, Sammy, Rogue, Shelley, Tracey J, Leigh, Renee, Hayley, Jason, Jamie, Jackie, Kate, Donna, Duane and two women named Jen. Listed alphabetically by artist as they appear in my iTunes playlist.

Dancing Queen - ABBA
Verlaine - Charles Trenet
Hurricane and Fire Survival Guide - Cloud Cult
I Wanna Drive the Zamboni - Daddies Gear
Point of View - DB Boulevard
1234 - Feist
I'm Yours - Jason Mraz
Doll-Dagga-Buzz-Buzz-Ziggity-Zag - Marilyn Manson
Bloody Mother F*****g A*****e - Martha Wainwright
Float On - Modest Mouse
Smack My Bitch Up/Where's Your Head At? - Prodigy V. Basement Jaxx
Lodestar - Sarah Harmer
Move Any Mountain - The Shamen
It's a Great Day to be Alive - Travis Tritt
Beautiful Day - U2
Linus & Lucy - Vince Gauraldi Trio (yeah, it's the Charlie Brown song!)
Illusion - VNV Nation
We're Going to be Friends - The White Stripes


Tomorrow I'll talk about the project and how it worked.
Edit:I forgot to add one from my iTunes to my playlist! Sorry person who gave it to me!

Shootin'

I had to hold the pistol a lot further away than was physically comfortable, partly because the hot gas coming out of the cylinder kept fogging up my safety glasses but also because I was having a really difficult time getting my eyes focused. The sights had no defined, crisp edges at all, due to vision issues I'll explain later. I'm actually shocked that I did as well as I did.

I also learned that getting excited about good things makes my left leg act up. Apparently, having MS means that you can't get happy, angry or generally emotional without having some sort of physical effect that has the potential to screw up your day.

"Of all the preposterous assumptions of humanity, nothing exceeds the criticisms made of the habits of the poor by the well-housed, well-warmed, and well-fed." - Herman Melville

I heard this last night at the end of the syndicated episode of Criminal Minds on A&E, and it got me thinking about how I judge people by their experience of the world and how I have been judged by my experience of the world. I have a difficult time taking people seriously who haven't lived outside their comfort zone. I have a difficult time trusting people who've never done something illegal. I can't be close to someone who's never fucked their life up for a period of time.

I have also found the criticisms by people in the MS world to be less than helpful or constructive. When I say that I am really not sure that a life with MS is worth living, I get told that I'm miserable and negative and I'll never appreciate the joy that is found by getting outside in a scooter. When I say that I can't read, people automatically start telling me to get prism glasses to stop the double vision, without even considering that I don't have double vision.

I have cognitive impairments that prevent me from remembering the first paragraph I read. When I start the second paragraph, I can't make sense of it because I don't remember the first one. So I have to go back and re-read the first, etc. etc. I took me a week to read a single chapter of The God Delusion so I gave up. I've cut my Google Reader subscriptions back because I can't read 97 news/politics/commentary sites every day. Even with only 30 I find myself skimming, because my brain is just not geared for retention.

I obsessively go over these blog entries and still miss typos and errors I never would've missed before. I used to be really smart, but thanks to MS, I've caught "the dumb". I really can't decide what I am more terrified of; losing the ability to walk, to see or to think.

My second issue with reading has to do with my eyes themselves. I can't keep them focused without actually *thinking* about it. Even as I type this I have to keep forcing my eyes to stay in focus. The eye doctor at the MS clinic says that it's not anything they can really fix with glasses, I just have to keep exercising my lazy eye focusing muscles. When you spend a great deal of time just trying to keep edges on the world it makes your eyes tired and you get headaches. I have headaches almost every day. I eat 6 Tylenol every day just to deal with it.

People with MS who want to give peer support seem to be more than happy to jump at you with a solution to a problem, even if you don't have that problem. Whether its my vision or my mental state (which wasn't exactly great *before* I got MS) everyone has got an opinion on how I should behave or speak as a sick person. I'm trying to live up to my own expectations these days, so forgive me if I fail to live up to yours.

But going out shooting yesterday was good for me. I was out and standing for more than an hour, I wasn't completely exhausted (or even all that tired) when I got home, and I enjoyed myself and the hour of almost normal I was able to have.

I have until bedtime Monday night to complete my music project. If you are a friend of mine, interested in helping and have 10 or 15 minutes to spare, please comment, send me a message, an @reply or email.

That's a lot of different communication mediums, don't you think?

I am an Atheist

As part of OutCampaign.org's "I am an Atheist" campaign, Friday, March 20, 2009 is the first online "out" day for various non-religious/non-believers on Facebook. It's migrated to the blogosphere over the day and I'm pleased to be a part of it. In short:

"We rally for freedom of thought, the right to believe and not to.

We rally to erase the social stigma around nonbelief.

We rally in solidarity with those who live where freedom and equality for nonbelievers is only a dream.

We rally to tell the world: we are nonreligious, we are equal, respect us.

This is not a hate rally: we are against false beliefs, not those who believe in them. Intolerance will not be tolerated."

I didn't really take all of this too seriously until I saw Montel William's appearance on the Oprah show on Tuesday and had been evangelized to via email. And now my dander is up and my ass is chapped.

First off, MS is not a gift that has given my life meaning. I was not "given" MS so I would return to serving my lord and saviour. As a non-believer, I question whether there is an actual meaning or reason for existence at all. If there is a "greater meaning" it needs to happen in this life, now, rather than in some fantasy place after this life is over or in some future life where I try and work out the problems of this one.

To say that a disease is a lesson is to fudge the truth. Yes, there are problems in the environment, in the food systems and with lifestyle choices, but to act as though MS or cancer or HIV or whatever is divine retribution for the abuse of the planet or (more often) for the abuse of one's body is as bad as holding out an $85 a week colon cleanse as the solution to someone's problems. Or a vitamin, diet or exercise program as a cure-all to viruses and disease. Jesus/God/Higher Power are just as futile and false hope as any of the whack-job "cures" I've been offered over the past 40-ish days.

I know that in some circles, quoting Karl Marx is a conversation ender but here it is.

Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, and the soul of soulless conditions. It is the opium of the people.

Marx, K. 1976. Introduction to A Contribution to the Critique of Hegel’s Philosophy of Right. Collected Works, v. 3. New York.

Offering me religious redemption is as offensive to me as offering me platitudes or junk science to treat my disease.

I've been accused of being miserable and not wanting help. That is simply not true. I want help I can use. I have no problem with having to adapt my life to my disease, but telling me that babies, disability pensions and volunteer work are "fulfilling" and meaningful is a slap in the face. That may be *your* life; it's great that you can find some contentment in that, but that is not what I want for *my* life.

I am an Atheist. It's funny that the Holy Roman Catholic and Apostolic Church, the 12-Step movement and neo-paganism helped me get there, because I'm fairly certain that wasn't their intent. I am also very against peer-support as a result of my attempts to deal with sexual assault, drinking and drugs, mental illness and quitting smoking. With my experiments in trying to find someone who isn't completely Pollyanna about MS and a fully functioning person with a life not defined by MS, I'm convinced more than ever that peer support is how you keep the sick, sick.

In summary, if you've got some useful and practical suggestions about how I can retain my sense of self, keep at least some of the things I love in my life, and how I can get and stay well, then I'd appreciate your peer support. I'm not getting any better. My condition has not changed since my first post about the improvements. I need useful solutions in order to deal with this.

But if all you've got is "you gotta change", "your life as you knew it is over, suck it up princess", and/or "pray ta Jeesus", you aren't my peer.

As a side note, I'm working on a project with the MS clinic's social worker to find something to be inspired by. Since personal stories don't really do it for me, I've decided to find inspiration in music. I've asked my friends who've expressed an interest in helping me to send me a single mp3 of a song that inspires them. Since last night I have collected four songs. As a result of this project I am now using my iPod as a defence mechanism. Here's the song of the day:

No way of knowing if she's ever coming back
No way of knowing if I care or not
No way of knowing if she's right or if she's wrong
No way of knowing if I'll carry on
And I'm alive
And I'm alone
And I've never wanted to be either of those

Alive Alone - The Chemical Brothers - Exit Planet Dust