Thursday, February 28, 2013

Coordinating calendars is hard

Second interview will happen next week. Got the call a couple of hours ago. There will be a confirmation email coming today confirming the time... which won't be before next Wednesday. For third time in my job search since the beginning of the year, I am one of two candidates they are considering.

So, I'm making other plans while trying to keep things settled enough to take this job if I get it. I really don't know what else to do.


Die Another Day

I didn't get the job, but they sent me an email asking me to complete the "next phase in the recruitment process".

I completed it.

I have no idea what this means going forward, but it looks like I may have to add a couple of days to the process.

Which is fucking maddening.

I am still missing two T4 slips to do my taxes.

That is also fucking maddening.

My house does not have enough booze.

And by "enough" I mean, any amount. I don't have any.

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Two choices

I have composed two blog posts for next week.

The first is entitled "I Got The Job!"

The second is called "Fuck This Shit".

At this point the uncertainty is killing me and makes me want to... do things I should not discuss on the internet.

I haven't been this sad in years. I have not had reliable employment in almost 11 months. I have never felt so useless in my life.

I don't know what to do any more.

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

Too Much Hope

Trying not to hope too much.

I had a job interview today for a job I really want, in an industry I have been trying to get into for years, with a company that seems stable and doesn't seem to exploit their workforce, and has at least two people I think are hilarious working for them at present.

I really want the job. I don't want to want it this much, because I can't take much more rejection in this world.

I want something to be certain. I have nothing certain in my life. I want one thing other than my husband to rely on for just one day. That's all I want right now.

Bob Rae keeps sending me emails asking me to register to vote for the next Liberal Party of Canada leadership, because I subscribed as a supporter.

Justin, Mark, Martin, and George definitely do not have my vote. Not under any circumstances.

For that reason I am thinking about not bothering to register, because I don't support any of the candidates that are currently likely to win, and I won't support any party that has any one of those people as leader. The two candidates that I do really like won't win and if they became leader they'd never win LeaderOp, much less the governing party.

But I won't vote NDP, and I'll never be a Conservative, so the LPC will likely get my vote.

But they will not get my time or my money.

"The Following" is such an intense show. Took me over an hour to get over the anxiety.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Gotta Stay Positive

No, you don't.

There are lots of other people on the planet that will lie to you about way less significant things than your physical and mental health. Don't be one of them. Don't lie to yourself.

The only use for unrealistic optimism I have found in my 4+ years with MS is that it keeps your friends and family from cutting you off. Instead of lying, smile briefly, be vague, and use non-committal language.

Today was probably a waste of makeup. It turns out that I won't know for sure until "this week, for sure." I've got 8 days to find a job. I am neither hopeful, optimistic, or positive.

It simply is what it is.

Monday, February 11, 2013

BC Family Day

Feels like a normal Monday when you don't have any place to go on any given day of the week. It's very obvious that we're not the kind of family politicians and assorted homophobes are interested in seeing more of.

9 days to find a job or decisions have to be made. This is fucking terrible. Doesn't help that two of those days are a weekend.

The H2 channel is the best $2 a month I've ever spent.

Saturday, February 9, 2013

Being a Dick in Public

I fat shamed someone today.

I had my reasons for wanting this person to feel bad; mainly that once upon a time this person made me feel bad, and I wanted them to feel bad about themselves in the exact same way.

But that's not cool. No matter what my reasons were, fat shaming is not cool. No matter that I didn't even think of it as fat shaming at the time, fat shaming is still not cool.

I was a dick in public. That's not cool.

I had no right to shame someone for their body. It was not right. I really do know better than that.

I will do better.

I sometimes think that all the therapy I paid for and the Provinces of Ontario and BC paid for didn't work as well as I would have liked.

Hockey Day In Canada has brought up a whole lot of unpleasant memories and recollections that I thought I had dealt with and taken care of. I guess I need to look at that stuff again.

Or not. Maybe it's best to just let sleeping dogs lie.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Hockey Day In Canada

The only game I want to watch tomorrow doesn't start until 4 PM, but the CBC's Hockey Day In Canada proceedings are happening in my birthplace, Peterborough, ON.

My hometown is where I learned about hockey.

My dad knew Roger Neilson.

I still hate the Philadelphia Flyers because of how they treated him.

Hockey and I have a checkered past, but I love the game. I love the people who play it. It took me years of therapy to get to that point. I don't expect you to understand.

If you don't like hockey, watch this instead.

Thursday, February 7, 2013


So they re-myelinated the brain of a shiverer mouse (original abstract here) and I cried.

I believe that stem cells are "the thing" that will cure and then "fix" MS. Ideally, I'd like someone to figure out how to "reboot" my immune system and fix all the neurological damage this disease has done, and what this study above does is give me home that at least *part* of that dream is possible.

I've never let myself believe that MS will be cured in my lifetime, but if this science is actually a working model, MS might be fixed by the time I'm in my 50s. If I can keep from progressing now, that would give me 30-40 years of life worth living.

Until now, I've never let myself have that hope. I cried because it now seems possible.

Stem cells are where it's at. Mark my words.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

15 days

I have 15 days to find a job or we have to seriously reconsider our continued Vancouver residency.

My husband has never been unemployed this long except for when he was a full-time student.

I haven't been out of work this long since recovering from my first MS attack.

Things are terrifying for us. I'm trying to figure out what I can differently, but I am not sure what that is.

I'm going to maintain the basics over the next two weeks, but I am going to be far less social, far less fun, and far less interested in anything that isn't employment related.

I cry every single day. For at least an hour. I've been trying to do it while Joe is at math class or while he's sleeping.

Tomorrow is the first Habs v. Bruins meeting of the truncated season. Thanks TSN for airing it.

Sunday, February 3, 2013

Team Purple!


I've never cheered for *my* team in the Super Bowl before.

On a related note, I had anxiety so bad during the fourth quarter I have given myself a headache.


Friday, February 1, 2013


I have spent the bulk of this afternoon crying.

I have tried everything I can to find a way out of this crazy bad situation, and I'm losing my mind.

It's starting to give me vertigo, leg weakness, and sore shoulders. I need to get out of this house, but you can only walk around the block so many times before you feel like you are wasting your time and your life and you just want to start screaming in public.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of wasted effort. I'm tired of wasting away in this apartment. I'm tired.

I think I'm done here for today. I've done everything I can today, I'm still sure it's not enough, but I am done.