One foot in front of the other.

I have been walking around the block on my lunch hours for the past two weeks. At first I thought it was because of my pathological fear of getting obese, but I realize that there is a greater benefit.

My nerve fatigue in my left leg rarely happens anymore. I can easily get around two square blocks at a pretty good speed without it happening, and then make it up three flights of stairs up to my office.

I've been doing physiotherapy exercises throughout the day, going to see Ray "Magic Hands" Ranger on Thursdays for $15.75 massage therapy, walking every day, and watching what I eat (I try to make 50% of what I eat each day fresh fruit and vegetables) and the strength in my leg nerves is improving.

I walked the two blocks around my office on my lunch hour, worked the rest of the day, met Joe for some dinner and then about 8 PM walked several more blocks to the hardware store for some items to fix up the apartment tomorrow and I made it with no nerve fatigue.

I still feel like I'm talking like a three year-old who's learned not to shit her pants anymore, but what the hell.

I still don't trust my body. I know that it will betray me when I least suspect it. But it's nice to know that I've got a pretty good chance of being able to get myself into a position where I can call for help when it does.

The Copaxone has left me feeling like I've been running into a lot of door frames and table corners, along with these strange itchy lumps two or three days after shooting into my arms. The other parts of my body don't seem to react like that. My Copaxone nurse doesn't think it's anything to worry about and it will probably stop in the next month.

Whatevs... I'm not getting sicker so I guess it's doing something.

This weekend is going to be productive. It has to be, because the last two have been anything but.

Now I'm going to get in my pjs, have a CC and CCZ, and do some prioritization for tomorrow.

woo.

Go me.

World MS Day and things that are apropos of nothing.

(insert sound of one single party blower here)

I've been on Copaxone for one month now. It was really uneventful until yesterday when my injection site on my right arm was hard and itchy all day and it continued into today. Don't what that is about, so I'm going to call my Copaxone nurse tomorrow.

My symptoms are stable for the most part. Still numb fingers and toes, wonky left leg, sketchy balance and a spastic left calf. Ray of student RMT fame has been working that calf and my feet with massage therapy and I can feel my leg unwound for days a time now. I can't meet with him this week and I'm sure I will miss it.

--

I've been thinking a lot about secrets these days. I think it's because I've started writing again and my opening sentence from yesterday isn't something that I think my mother would be pleased with and I think that my grandmother would have a stroke at the mere idea of it.

I realized that for me to really write publicly about what I want to write about must wait until my grandmother has passed and my mother is senile. That makes me sad because that's going to be a long freakin' time.

I've done very little in my life that I am proud of. Two of those things have to be kept secret for the time being (See: Grandmother). The other two are really only impressive to me and that is it. Four things.

I find that I have lived much of my life waiting for better days because the present has been so crappy. I still feel like that most days I am at work. That tells me that the antidepressants work to keep me from killing myself but do not give me a false sense of happy.

Which is kind of a relief now that I consider that.

Next month will mark a year on Wellbutrin. Given how much generalized anxiety I've been having lately I'm planning on making another trip to the neuropsychiatrist - this time for some Adivan and cognitive testing.

Since Joe has decided that I am going to be an economist I need to figure out what is wrong with my brain that will hold me back from scholastic success. I'm fucking stupid all the time now and I know that some of it is related to the MS and some is probably just understimulation. There's no complex thinking in my life on a day to day basis unless I go looking for it.

I do wish things were different and I do live a lot of my life waiting for better times in the future. Maybe I'm making peace with that.

And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us."