HAPPY NEW YEAR

RESOLUTION OF THE SOLE SHAREHOLDER
OF
LVK VENTURES INC.
WHEREAS LVK VENTURES INC. is a fictional extra-provincially registered corporation headquartered in British Columbia, Canada;

AND WHEREAS the sole shareholder, LVK, acting as the only legally recognized adult that resides in her head has declared that she is “sick of this shit”;

AND WHEREAS sometimes the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change.

THEREFORE BE IT RESOLVED that the sole shareholder establishes the following guidelines for the year 2011:

1. The sole shareholder will make and keep all personal appointments, either health or mental health related, in a timely and proactive basis. These appointments include and not limited to:

a) Doctors, and other health care professionals;
b) Hair stylists; and
c) Estheticians.

2. Complete one hour of visual art practice each day, which will almost always be limited to the completion of counted cross-stitch works, usually including profanity.

3. Ride the stationary bike for 20 minutes each day, 7 days a week and preferably in the morning, and walk for 20 minutes each lunch hour on scheduled work day when a one hour lunch break is in place.

4. Practice mindful eating, realizing that when the mind says “mass produced take out” what it is really saying is “You’ve lost the will to live, because that ain’t food.”

5. Write a minimum two hundred-fifty (250) words a day, even if that means typing, scribbling, writing in flowing long-hand, or printing with the left hand the words “I have to write 250 words today” over and over and over again.

6. This resolution of the sole shareholder does not count toward that total. Though her lazy brain thinks that it should because it’s now well over 275 words.

7. To irritate lazy brain, the amount is not cumulative. That is, the overage in a daily word count one day does not allow that overage to be counted toward the 250 word count of the next day. So take that, bitchy lazy brain.

8. The sole shareholder is to kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight.

9. This resolution shall be revisited daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly and annually to ensure that adjustments are made for the health and capacity of the sole shareholder to act upon them.

Signed, Sealed and Delivered
on this 1st day of January,
2011 in the presence of: (original signed)
LVK
The people on the internet
reading this. Love you all.

I don't know.

Each day for the past few days I have logged into Blogger, clicked "New Post" and stared at this empty text box.

I don't know what to say. I just stare and stare at this off-white box of possibilities and have no idea what to fill it with that isn't rage, anger and frustration.

Don't get me wrong, things are way better than they were, but they aren't good. They aren't good by any stretch of my imagination. As I've said before, they weren't great before I got sick, and now they are worse because every problem I had before I got sick a year ago was just put on hold for a year. Now I'm sitting here with all those problems amplified by a year of neglect and more, newer, unchangeable problems.

I've been working a few hours a week chasing down possible pirates for Donna. That's pretty okay. I went to a job fair and instead of being laughed out of the room, I got a "Let me get back to you next week". That's pretty okay too. I'm doing 15 to 20 mins a day on my stationary bike most days a week. (At least 4, sometimes 7) Again, that's pretty okay, but completely against everything I would've done before I got sick. Ditto yoga and other stretching as well.

But it is working. I have been out doing stuff outside for days and I have used my cane once in the past 13 days. That's awesomesauce, but only because it's better than the alternative, and I'd rather not have the alternative.

What I really want is a reason to get up in the morning and 99% of the time I am not that reason. "Just because" will never be a motivation to do anything but shop for shoes and makeup.

(Side note: Made my first pilgrimage to the new Sephora Vancouver and have learned two things: 1. I can't go anywhere near the place until I get a job. 2. When I can afford to go there, I cannot go without adult supervision.)

I'm stitching almost daily now. I'm writing daily. I recently discovered ToastedCheese.com and have fallen in love with their monthly calendar of writing prompts and on Sunday I will attempt very first Sunday Brunch prompted writing exercises. Last Sunday's were:

1. Use the following words: touch, bullet, newer, himself, bright (10 min)
2. Write about something you can do with a ball. (10 min.)
3. Write about pockets (or Pocky). (10 min.)

I look forward to trying this week's. I think it will be a challenge.

I have been trying to balance my desire to turn inward and isolate because I'm such a fucking freak, and getting outside of my house and myself because if I neglect myself my disability will get worse.

But I have to admit that one of my biggest obstacles to posting this is that I am boring. I am really, really boring. I declined to join foursquare.com because I don't go anywhere, do anything, or have any money to enjoy the finest restaurants and entertainment this city has to offer. I know that I am boring because I am always bored. I hate being boring. Being boring used to be a fate worse than death.

(Though, that probably explains my previous life's questionable taste in men.)

I write because I am bored, and I've been hesitant to share my boredom with my little corner of the world. It's taken me an hour to write this and I already regret it.

Not a whole lot to say.

I'm kind of lost these days. As I try to reclaim my life things are not soul-crushingly bad, but just a steady stream of inconvenient and disappointing news, day after day, week after week, month after month.

I'm just really tired being disappointed. I look at the job ads and find that I am over qualified or not qualified to do much of anything in this day and age. I've passed all the physical and mental abilities tests and don't qualify for disability benefits.

Most importantly, if I can't do what I did before, what can I do? I have not a single entrepreneurial bone in my body. I am not creative or talented enough to figure out how to support myself doing something I already know how to do. (Mostly because I'm not much good at anything that someone would pay me to do.)

Today, like many days before now, I think I'm just going to go back to bed. I've done all I can for today as disappointing as that is.

Pimp my ride.

I got this totally retro stationary bike that my friend Sam found abandoned as garbage at his building.

It works good, it just needs some lovin'.

I'm going to repaint it and then add a new seat and some handlebar streamers. I'd add shinies to the spokes, but no one seems to carry them anymore. That's sad.

I have been outside for a while during each of the past two days, and the weather's been around 30C (86F) both days. I haven't lost my legs but I did walk too much yesterday and over-extended my knee, so I went easy today.

In looking back over my symptom tracking, I realize that this new tolerance for heat is related to one or two things. 1. The mitoxantrone has worked its magic and I'm not as demyelinated as I was and/or 2. The large doses of Vitamin D I've been taking for the past month are working to ease my symptoms. On the recommendation of my neuro and based on some clinical research coming out of Ontario, it seems that high doses of vitamin D seem to help with symptoms. I've been taking 2400 IU of vitamin D daily for a month and this is where I am.

I'm frustrated at the progress of my employment prospects and the help I've been offered. I want something to do so badly, I've got myself hooked up in the political apparatus of party politics.

Jumpin' Jeebus on a pogo stick... I need help.