I'm really bad at this.

Finding the balance between Routine and Excitement is what drives me absolutely nuts.

***

The heat and humidity make me very fucking cranky.

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Nothing is going like I planned. That isn't contributing to my sunny disposition either.

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I have a pending friend request on Facebook but I'm really afraid that I've forgotten that we had sex at some point in my ancient history and there will be hurt feelings like there was the last time I accepted a friend request from someone I had sex with in high school and didn't remember.

But I'm pretty sure that I didn't have sex with this person. Like 95-99% sure that I didn't.

***

Listen, if you're reading this and we had sex just once at some point between 1988 and 1999, I probably don't remember. If we had sex more than once, then yeah, I probably do remember that it happened. If I ever told you I loved you, then yes, I couldn't forget if I wanted to, but I don't remember specifics.

(Yes, specifics have come up. Yes, feelings were hurt when I didn't remember. What you people expect from a 40 year old brain that endured a history of substance abuse and demyelination, I have no fucking idea.)

***

I used to love summer. I can't be the only person with MS who now just fucking loathes the season?

I really hate summer. It's not even July yet and all I want is spring to just hurry up and get here. Give me 15 degrees and overcast! That's my happy place!

Summer time... and the living is easy? Really?

It took me three days to recover from getting my back overheated on Thursday. I used cold ice packs, I rested, I even resorted to some NSAIDs just in case I was beginning an inflammatory response.

This shit is difficult for me to tolerate. I don't like being outside at the best of times so having MS has really contributed to turning my dislike of outside into something close to agoraphobia.

I see my neurologist on Monday morning. Then I should get my date for my next mito. Me thinks that it can't come a moment too soon. I've been feeling like crap for 2.5 days and a bag of steroids just might be what the Dr. ordered. I am going to ask my doctor if maintenance doses of solumedrol are possible.

I've been on the max dose of Wellbutrin for a week, and it doesn't feel like any thing's different at all. I've had no side effects, my world is sucking far more than it sucked a week ago, and I'm not sure how anti-depressants fix a situational depression. I'm going to ask about that too.

If I had a gun, I'd put a bullet in my brain.

I guess it's an even better thing that I live in Canada. I don't have the dexterity and reaction time or the money to afford to take the FAC course, and I wouldn't pass the psychiatric test to get a rifle or a handgun.

I never get to do anything.

I can't leave the house.

I can go outside when it's 26C (79F) and 64% humidity. I can't go outside when it's 28C (82F) and 51% humidity.

Two degrees is what separates me from having a life. There's nothing I can do, save for buying a cooling suit.

I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to just suck it up or live with it. I don't know how to just be grateful for what I can do when it feels like I can't do anything or my accomplishments are measured at the same level as a preschooler.

I wrote a lot more in this post, but I deleted 80% of it because it's just too personal. I don't trust all of you who don't have MS to not try and fix me with suggestions of what you would do since you can empathize with my state based on that one time you were sick for a really long time. I also don't trust all of you who have MS not give me a pep talk and tell me how a lesser version of the life you wanted is good enough for you because it means you're still alive and your life has some worth and meaning, no matter how stunted or compromised that life is.

Yes, that sounds as bitchy as it was meant to.