Not Magical

12-12-12 is the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life.

***

She gets mad and she starts to cry

She takes a swing. Man, she can't hit

She don't mean no harm

She just don't know

What else to do about it

***

So here's the breakdown on my breakdown.

I've been basically unemployed since April 1, with about 10 weeks of temp employment over three months - July, August and September. I guess a little of October too. I've had just two face-to-face interviews in that time, and I've come in second both times.

I have limited weeks remaining on my Employment Insurance claim; we're running out of income. I found out today that it's a little bit longer than we thought, but I have more weeks paid out than I have weeks left in my claim at this point.

I'm not allowed to share publicly what Joe's situation is, but suffice it to say that he's not a slacker or kicking back, relaxing. We're in full scale panic at this point.

In looking at our options we are facing some really critical decisions in the next two weeks to two months.
Some of the options are, but not limited to:

1. Selling everything we can, throwing out what we can't, packing up whatever we can carry or afford to ship to my parents house, give notice on our apartment and leave for anywhere east of here that we can find jobs.
2. Another choice after giving notice is to split up and try to find jobs in two different places and whomever is successful first decides where we land.
3. Waiting it out to find a job and if my EI claim ends, Joe quits school and we go on welfare until one or both of us can find a job.
4. Joe would have to put off a whole bunch of educational goals for at least another 16 months if that is the case.
5. He's pissed that we even have to consider that, for a whole bunch of reasons not unrelated to industry ageism.

So, I've barely stopped crying. This still isn't as bad as being told I have MS, but it's pretty damn close.

***

I have been relapse free since my initial attack in December 2008. I have 98% of the faculties I had in 2007.

I have not used a cane since September 2011.

I have not needed to use my shower seat since 2010.

I have not slept for more than 10 hours in a row since 2009.

I have not had double vision since January 2009.

MS so far has not killed me, but it has not made me stronger.

***

I will be so happy when this year is over. Or this decade. Or this century.
I'm so fucking fed up with the realities of being me, I just want to quit.