Fuck this

Having MS is needlessly complicating my life.

I have MS and access to a host of specialists in non-neurology disciplines through the MS clinic. The problem is that there are only one or two of them and they don't work at the clinic full time.

I've been having anxiety morning, noon and night for about a month now so I am pretty sure that it isn't going to go away by just thinking calming thoughts. Knowing that the psychiatrist at the MS clinic isn't available more than one day a week, I called my family doctor.

She won't deal with me because the anxiety is probably MS related, and tells me to get in touch with the psychologist she referred me a year ago. I call that psychologist and she tells me that the anxiety is either related to MS or to the anti-depressant the psychiatrist at the MS clinic put me on, so she won't touch me because she doesn't treat people with MS because she knows nothing about it. (I was referred to her because of stress and anxiety, interestingly enough.)

All I want is some fucking Xanax and to get on with my life. There is no fixing me. I am broken. This is not going to get better through therapy or exercise or whatever. Just give me the fucking drugs so I don't care any more and let me plod along.

It's funny, since I gave up all hope of ever doing better or achieving anything with the rest of my life, my job bothers me way less than it used to but the general anxiety and the dreams about being trapped on the stairs at my parents house whilst black balaclava wearing strangers shine flashlights and take photos through the window got worse.

So I'm on the cancellation list for the psychiatrist at the MS clinic and have an appointment set for September 20 at 2 PM.

I could fucking kill myself by then, but hey, at least I won't see someone who doesn't treat people with MS.