Fail

I hopped on the scale this morning and 15 minutes later walked to the bus stop completely devastated.

I am now 11 stone 13 lbs. or 74.75 kg (Yes, I know only that isn't in pounds, a weight we'll all understand. It's just that old school Imperial measurements and metric make it sound better than it actually is.)

Now I know that I am supposed to have high self esteem and it's not feminist-ly correct to judge about body size and type, but you know what - I do not give a fuck about that right now. My body and I are at war and it is not to be trusted under any fucking circumstances until appearance and action improves.

You see today I crossed a threshold that I swore to myself I never would. I now weigh 167 lbs. This is the most I have ever weighed in my entire life. I have never been this fat in the entire history of my 36 years on earth.

In my previous lives, every time I would put on winter weight I had one of two responses.

1. Cigarettes, diet shakes, full fat lattes and more cigarettes.

2. Join a gym, lift weights and do cardio until my lungs could take no more, cigarettes and eating whatever the hell I wanted in reasonable portions.

In two months I would be back down to my 130 to 135 monthly fluctuation and everything would be fine until the next winter.

When I moved out to BC I didn't put on winter weight anymore and since I walked pretty much everywhere the SkyTrain couldn't take me I didn't get fat until I started getting sick with MS.

Now its completely out of control and after a talk with my physiotherapist I have been given two choices for exercise - yoga or pilates.

I am leaning toward pilates at this moment because the pelvic floor exercises might help with the most unpleasant of my MS symptoms, but yoga is much easier to come by if I can find a school/instructor who will let me do it with my shoes on.

I don't know what the point of this post is other than to say, "I really hate myself for letting myself go".

And with that I'm going to walk around the block and then ride my stationary bike, because I am freaked right the fuck out.