I hate this.

5,000 I.U. of vitamin D, 300 mg of Wellbutrin, 1500 mg of wild salmon and fish oils and a protein rich diet aren't kicking this depression.

That signals to me that my depression is "situational".

No fixing that.

FAIL

So I spent Saturday, Sunday and Monday in bed, in the dark, with the mutha of all migraines.

First migraine I've had in 2 years. First multi-day migraine I've had in almost 6 years.

Other than the migraine drama, I spend a great deal of time avoiding things that lead to my left leg nerve failing. When that happens I begin to drag it like one of the zombies in Dawn of the Dead. This makes me more tired because I'm dragging around a dead weight limb. Not getting enough sleep leads to generally dizziness, nausea and endless cognitive difficulties.

MS has cost me much of my long term memory and most of my short-term memory. I mean, I remember that I got married, but I can't remember my wedding; that sort of thing.

I'm tired of failing, either physically or mentally, every single day.

But I do, because that's the nature of my disease.

This is the new normal. It rarely gets better than this, and it more than likely to get worse.

Between the bullshit that is my body and the bullshit that is my job I'm quickly losing my will to live.

Avoidance

I've been feeling like crap for about a month, which culminated in getting a horrible cold (flu?) over the past few days. I started coming down with it on Tuesday and by Wednesday I had a fever, chills, aching body, stuffed up sinuses and a barking cough.

But mostly I've been avoiding the page. My blog, my journal, my book, the books I am reading, it doesn't seem to matter.

I don't know what the hell I'm doing most days, so tomorrow I am going to watch "Polytechnique" and see what kind of mental fire that lights.

Other than that I've been contemplating and immediately rejecting the following ideas:

1. An economics degree
2. Looking for a new job
3. An English degree
4. Looking for a second job
5. Some sort of vocational training
6. Having a nervous breakdown
7. Shaving my head
8. Staying in bed for a month
9. Colouring my hair blue.
10. Developing an eating disorder

I have no idea what to do with my life. All I know is that I am in a holding pattern until Joe gets his first post-degree job. Until then, I just wake up in the morning, meet my spousal obligations throughout the day and go to bed.

Looking forward to going to and from work in the dark starting Monday.

Fer sher.