Love and Pain

I love my MS Walk team. They show me that people are good and they will get up stupid early and stand in the rain to help a friend. I feel unworthy of their love. I feel unworthy of all the love I was shown by Team Gl*tterB*tches 30+ donors. Next year I swear I am going to get my stuff together earlier and try to reach more people.

(As a side note, donor pages are open for another two weeks. If every participant raised just $20 more, we would raise another 1.2 million dollars!)

It’s taken me a couple of days to write this, mostly because my wrists, elbows, shoulders and knees are screaming in pain most of the day. I save up my typing time for work because I don’t actually get paid to blog, but I do get paid to transcribe dictation at the office.

I’m settling in to watch the NHL playoffs whilst my husband leaves for a two or three week get-away to the US to see his friends and family once his final exams are done.

I’ve missed some work this month, which I always find aggravating. I find it upsetting because I really don’t know if I am sick or just sick and tired of my job. I keep pushing myself to show up for my obligations, and until yesterday I had been mostly successful.

My neurologist suspects that much of what is wrong with me stems from my psyche not my damaged nervous system. I suspect that she’s correct.

I haven’t cried in weeks… maybe months. I choke up every time I hear “Born This Way”, but that’s not the same as having the meltdowns I used to have daily. I kind of miss them. At least I had hope. Or something.

What ever it was… I don’t have that anymore.