Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Dear Future Me:

Today is the first day of the year 2013. If things have gone well, you are reading this on your 40th birthday and a year and a half (or so) has passed.

In summation: you've been out of work for all intents and purposes since April 1, 2012. Your EI claim runs out in three months. You've just launched a website that boasted 129 unique hits in December, and you're wondering if it was worth all the fuss and money to put together posts that only 12 people read.

You have no idea what the future holds, but you've got an email out to a woman who wants to fire her assistant, and you know that Craigslist will start to pick up as soon as tomorrow, and as late as next week. Your career counsellor quit, and applying for a job she recommended you for didn't even get you an interview, so maybe that career counsellor isn't worth the time or effort when they assign you a new one sometime this month.

This new year finds me at the cross-roads. I don't know what to do, all I know is that I need a job. I need money because Joe quit school and thought he would find a job in just days, but it's now been two months, close to three. He has a bunch of applications out there, but they went out so late in the year it might be next week before he hears anything at all...

I don't know what I really want to tell you. What I really want to know is that shit worked out. I want to know if we made it Windsor in April of 2013, or if we had to wait until later in the year, or if we had to do something completely different...

I don't feel well. I have a wee bit of a cold, I haven't been out for regular exercise in months, and I've been off Copaxone for almost a year. I have regular headaches. I have regular bouts of insomnia, but lately I've been doing okay with getting up at 7:30 AM. That means I'm usually asleep by midnight or so. I'm usually in bed by 11 PM.

I've been packing my days full of stuff to do, most of which I don't get to because I am tired, bored, don't want to disturb Joe, or just don't fucking feel like it. I am so tired of not having anything to do so I make work for myself. I also fill my list with things I think I "should" be doing. I hope I've stopped this, or started finding some of those things useful.

I am fascinated by the future, because the present is just so bleak. For all the drudgery of the day today around here, Joe and I are doing okay...

I really don't know what else I can say to you. Life really isn't fun right now, and I hope that by the time you read this on July 13, 2014 things will be better, more secure, and more fun.

Or more - something...

I look forward to this year because looking back only makes me want to slash my wrists. I'm looking forward because the only way to go. I'm looking forward because I am sure that Future Me hasn't let me down, and life is different where Future Me is.

Love,

Past Me