Multi-tasking

I thought I had made a decision last night, but now I think it goes against absolutely everything that I stand for professionally.

What I wanted to think of as "keeping my options open" is probably a little bit closer to "extreme multi-tasking, ensuring lack of focus on any one thing and either failing at or half-assing everything."

I'm either going to be here for another year and a bit, or I'm going to be absolutely somewhere else by July. I am going to focus on finding ways to make sure that Windsor does not kill me, or I am going to devote the bulk of my daily energies on getting the FUCK out of here.

My spouse is a wonderful human being who wants me to be happy.
He'll support whatever I need to do.

Now I just have to figure out what it is that I need to do.

Deep Thoughts

I'm sitting here in my office chair at folding table in what should be my dining room if I owned a table and suite of chairs that were purpose built for the act of dining.

In what should have been the living room Joe has built himself a fortress of maths and algorithms and folding banquet tables from Target. He has gone to the library to take out three books that he will read during his two week break before the start of his fall semester.

I've got a shot of bourbon chilling with three ice cubes in a Old Fashioned glass I got from the Dollar Tree shortly after we moved in. I'm rationing the remainder of this bottle of Wild Turkey 101 because you can't get it in Canada at all, and I'm not sure my next trip to the US of longer than 48 hours is going to have the budget to replace it.

But I'm hopeful.

Except for the little desk lamp that Joe left on before he left, it's mostly dark. I am just sipping my bourbon and trying to figure out where I stand on a whole bunch of issues that have just come to light.

There's a big long story to this, wherein my boss is both the victim and the accused. I understand why it happens, but I don't think that being abused is an excuse for becoming an abuser. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore, mostly because I've decided what I want to do, what I should do that's right for me, and I'm being held back, waiting for more information and permission. And money.

It's always about the money.

I had a big long post here about what's going on, but it really doesn't matter in the specific. In the general, I'm really unhappy with just about everything. Everytime I have a glimmer of hope that things are going to be better, it gets trampled, postponed, cancelled, or otherwise made "not a priority" by someone in power.

I'm tired. The bourbon worked.

Goodnight.

Rain

The weather has been a combination of the worst parts of Vancouver and Ontario weather.

We've had temperatures in the mid 30s (with the Humidex) and torrential Pineapple Express-like downpours.

Toronto got the worst of the rain today, but for about an hour the water fell out of the sky in sheets. It was like someone was pouring an endless bucket of water on your head.

Luckily for me, I finished work a few hours before. I walked to a business seminar (more on that later) about four blocks from my house. I had to call Joe to come and get me, because even in my Vancouver-issued raincoat, that downpour was too great for me. The streets were under a couple inches of water by the time he got there.

***

I turn 39 for the first time in five days.

I also turn 39 for the last time in five days.

I'm not afraid of getting older. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, life is always going to be this hard.

***

I have a family reunion of sorts a week from this Saturday. Things have kind of sorted themselves out, and it's now going to be possible for us to attend and have some time to relax.

***

So, business seminar.

I really love my job, but he's not paying me enough for the few hours he can offer me.

I applied for a job that I really want, but I didn't hear from them today. My Magic 8-Ball says they aren't going to call until Friday. If I don't hear from them by Friday, I'm going to give up on them.

And by giving up on them, I'm going to try to do something real, concrete, and serious.

I went to a seminar on how to write a business plan. I'm going to register two businesses. I'm going to network my ass off, hustle every day, and I am going to do what I need to do to survive.

I have it all sketched out; they're the beginning notes of my business plans. There's only one thing really holding me back...

***

$$$$$

***

In a nutshell, I need to raise a not huge, but significant, amount of money to get set up and float some bills while I get working on building the business. I have no idea where this money is going to come from.

***

Thinking about it makes me feel ill.