Things

I had a complete mental/memory meltdown today and couldn't remember where I put anything, what clothes I was wearing the last time I had what I was looking for, or which I had done first - go to Pride or to the physiotherapist. I also found 6 lip sticks/glosses/colours while I was having my meltdown.

I used to be able to recite every phone number and postal code I've ever had, and I can't do that anymore. I think my IQ has fallen 20 points just by getting MS.

My symptoms are mostly random in nature and don't last long. The knuckle of my right thumb randomly goes numb throughout the day. This is an improvement (?) because it used be the whole thumb. I lose my balance for no reason. My legs are stiff and awkward in the morning or long periods of sitting.

In approximately 12 hours Joe will be sitting down to do his last exam of this semester. At 4 PM I get my husband back for 24 to 48 hours before he sits down and starts making music for the whole break.

I have been given a mission while Joe's at his exam tomorrow. I am to fetch him some vodka and juice and have a drink ready for him when he gets home. This semester, while not as bad as the semester of biology, has been particularly rough. We have learned that Joe is not naturally a mathematician.

Doing my at home exercises prescribed to me by the physiotherapist have not changed anything yet, but they certainly haven't made anything worse. So I keep going, but I have to change that bike seat. I know that I could cycle longer if my bum wasn't hurting so much.

Donna's present is almost done, as is Shelley's and Sammy's. Donna's requires more time, Shelley & Sammy's requires a trip to the suburbs to get to a stupid craft store. I swear big box stores and their required large footprints are the bane of my existence. Though, it does make my non-Wal-mart streak of almost 4 years much easier to maintain. (Joe and I have had portraits taken there, but it turns out they aren't Wal-mart owned, just rent space. I haven't purchased a thing at Wal-mart since I watched WAL-MART: The High Cost of Low Price. That's coming up on four years this September.

But I digress.

I need Indian food and for Jason to let me bother him a couple of times this week. I promise I won't "poke him with sticks" kind of bother.

My life feels like an endless Tuesday, except the TV programs change.

The insomnia is back. The lack of appetite is back. I don't know what to do about either of those things other than to take drugs to make it go away.

I gotta go to bed to at least fake something close to sleep.

PS.
I think I need a rhinestone encrusted cover for my BlackBerry. Badly.

Defined.

Gratitude is defined as the state of gratefulness; thankful, appreciation

Fortunate is defined as bringing something good and unforeseen; auspicious, having unexpected good fortune, lucky.

I will never be grateful for having any part of MS, not even the part that shows me I'm not as bad off as someone else with the same disease.

I, however, feel extremely fortunate that I don't have the worst of what this disease can throw at a person.

Gratitude is for the works and acts of people, fortunate is for those things no one, including me, have any control over.

If you have a problem with that, that's your problem to deal with.

If I ask for advice on a particular subject I'll take what I get, but don't you ever tell me how I should feel about something just because you think I should be looking at the world a different way. I really don't care what you think of my life. I'm just here telling it as it is, not as you think it should be.

Also, jesusfreaks who keep sending me blog replies telling me to pray and give my life over to your personal lord and saviour: I will keep deleting your replies unread.

Atheist is not a joke and it's not meant as a personal challenge to your conversion skills. As I said right up there, I'm telling it as it is, not as you think it should be. Kindly, go sell your crazy somewhere else. We're all full up here.

I had something totally different I wanted to talk about, but the replies to my last post (of which only one was suitable for publishing) just made me so angry at humans (again) that I just had to say something (again) about the arrogant nature of humanity. We all think that our particular world view is best for everyone. Though, I'm pretty sure that I don't want to live in a world full of people who think like me. Maybe just 20%, so the species will be propagated, and someone else can do the science and math things required.

Gratitude

I am grateful for my kick-ass husband who has tolerated more bullshit than any husband in the world should have to tolerate over the past 9 months. I am grateful that he's stuck by me, been my cheer leader, loved me when I couldn't see or stay awake, and been he's nutjob self whenever he could.

I am grateful for my mum and dad, my sisters Julie and Tracey and my brother Steve who have accepted me and my illness with a grace and tolerance I didn't think I would get from them. I am grateful that no matter what has happened in the past, they're willing to rally around me.

I am grateful for my in-laws who have offered so much support to their son and offered me good will and patience, and never have made Joe question his decision to marry me and move to Canada. Their love for their son has made them the man that he is, and that's to my benefit.

I am grateful for my friends who have shown up for me in a thousand little ways, with phone calls, emails, songs, visits, wine, and hope. They've put up with my freakouts, craziness and general negativity with a tolerance I'm not sure I could muster for another human being. I am humbled by their love too.

Notice that my gratitude is for real people, doing real things, for real people. Ponder that for a moment before I begin to make things crystal fucking clear.

I am NOT going to be "grateful" that I don't have incredibly bad symptoms of a disease. I am not going to be "grateful" that I don't have the worst form of this disease.

I am not going to be grateful, because it's not like I chose what kind of disease I was going to have, or that my disease woke up one morning and said, "Yanno, I think I'm going to go easy on her for a while."

I reserve gratitude for people and things who do something amazing to help me, and I am grateful when I can do something good for someone else.

I am not going to be grateful that something bad isn't happening to me, because "It could be worse" is the biggest fucking insult to my intelligence I can't even explain how angry it makes me.

There, that feels better.

Went to the physiotherapist today. Got some great exercises to do. All I need to do now is get some balls so I can do them.

(snicker all you want)

I need a tennis ball, a ball larger than that, and another ball no larger than a volleyball to do this exercise to improve my coordination when walking. It's really simple but more difficult than you think.

I have my work cut out for me.

Weird.

The weather is finally back to normal. 24C, cloudy with sunny periods. Perfection. *This* is why I moved here. Temperate at all times. Except that it's not temperate at all times like it was when I first moved here. The past three winters have been hell on wheels and this past month has been absolutely terrible. My love for Vancouver has been waning for a while, but it's definitely over now.

Now that I have MS I am realizing that the things that Vancouver thinks are great are really, really ability focused. Climbing things. Cycling places. Camping. Beach bumming. Ski bumming. All things that get you away from the city.

When I moved here I thought I was moving to Canada's third largest city and it would be Toronto or Montreal to scale. It's not. I find that disappointing. Every time I thought about what I would like to be doing on those sweltering nights I was reminded that Vancouver doesn't do those things.

There is no pedestrian culture in this city. No late night bookstores and record stores, big patios to meet people at, walking down the block listening to the music that comes from the live music venues, or stores that host djs in their front windows while you browse or dance on the sidewalks. Street closures to watch films projected on the side of a building. Restaurants with not shitty rock bands or slick djs with an average drink price of $3. People don't throw house/balcony parties on a rotating schedule here. At least, none of the people I know do.

I moved around a lot in my 20s and living in the GTA made having a life really, really easy. Trains at all hours. Bars that catered to actual grown ups and people actually acted like grownups. People who would talk to strangers. Strangers that would talk to people.

In almost 6 years in Vancouver I have as many local friends as I made in my first 6 weeks in Toronto. Most of them I didn't really make until I had been here around 3 years. It took me 3 years to get into a job that was worth doing.

I moved to the city to *live* in the city. I know now that Vancouver is a city that's uncomfortable with being a city & doing the things that make city life worth doing. I really don't feel like I belong here, especially now.

I guess I'm just not a west coast person. Joe's tried twice to live West Coast Styles and does not like it either.

I've made the mistake of following Torontoist and Washingtonian on twitter and getting absolutely *green* with envy over what goes on every night, let alone every weekend. I miss being around people who don't like to get dirty and prefer concrete and glass towers to mountains. I miss being in a place that knows how to deal with snow and thunderstorms.

I miss being an Urban Diva. Here in Vancouver that makes you a vapid West Van trophy wife with a phony french manicure, Shake n'Bake tan, and brassy foil highlights, driving a Range Rover in 4WD whilst talking on a mobile complaining that Aritzia was out of size zeros. That's not what being an urban woman is, but it's the Vancouver stereotype of one.

The weather brought me here and it's the weather that is going to chase me away. Joe's got 18 months or so to graduation so we're probably out of here shortly after that. Some days that can't come soon enough. Others I can't imagine leaving. But most of the time, I'd rather be back east. I think I belong there.

(PS. this is not to sit in judgment of the people of Vancouver/British Columbia. It is simply to state what I want in a city experience and how Vancouver's not about that at all.)

"Socialism"

Tara over at Living Day-to-day with Multiple Sclerosis responded to a comment I made about her weekly polls being very American-centric. She had no idea that other countries did things that differently.

Lisa Emrich of Brass & Ivory asked if I would put more information about the costs of having MS where I am. Let me see if I can break it down.

All basic, emergency and chronic care is paid for or heavily subsidized by the provincial government through the tax base and transfer payments from the federal government. What do I mean by basic, emergency and chronic care? If it is deemed medically necessary by the physician you are seeing in that doctor's office, walk-in clinic, urgent care facility or emergency room, the province pays. No doctor will give you a procedure that isn't covered so there are no "claims" to be denied.

Health Insurance BC is the "government bureaucrat overseeing my health care". They administer the two programs that take care of my health, the Medical Services Plan (MSP) and PharmaCare, including Fair PharmaCare. I have never had to speak to a person that works there in the 5+ years I've lived here.

In BC most people pay a premium based on family size and income as of your last income tax filing. The monthly rates are:

$54 for one person
$96 for a family of two
$108 for a family of three or more

However there is Premium Assistance available. If you lose your job/have a big change in circumstances you can submit an application to have your income reconsidered.

There are also ongoing subsidies for people with low incomes.

The current adjusted net income thresholds are:

$20,000 - 100 percent subsidy
$22,000 - 80 percent subsidy
$24,000 - 60 percent subsidy
$26,000 - 40 percent subsidy
$28,000 - 20 percent subsidy

Every resident of the province gets a BC Care Card. One only need to present this at a health care facility to receive treatment. If you are in an emergency situation they don't worry about it until your next of kin is contacted. If you are from a Canadian province (other than Quebec) there is a level of reciprocity for provincial plans. You will be asked to confirm/change your address and contact information that scans from the card. You will then be asked what's wrong with you. In the case of a primary care physician you won't even have to do that, as the receptionist will often remember you if you attend the office more than twice a year and you will just be checked off in the appointment book and you wait for your room to open up.

The costs of drugs are not covered but the BC PharmaCare Program has 7 plans that will cover drugs for the majority of residents.

Fair PharmaCare
Permanent Residents of Licensed Residential Care Facilities (Plan B)
Recipients of B.C. Income Assistance (Plan C)
Cystic Fibrosis (Plan D)
Children in the At Home Program (Plan F)
No-Charge Psychiatric Medication Plan (Plan G)
BC Palliative Care Benefits Program
B.C. Centre for Excellence in HIV/AIDS

Most employers with 25+ employees will offer a benefit package administered by a private health insurance company. That includes prescription drug coverage (usually 80-90% of the cost), vision (usually an annual eye exam and $250-$500 every 2 years for frames and lenses) and dental (coverage caps of $2000-$5000 per year depending on the procedures). If you have Fair PharmaCare, that private coverage will apply to the portion you are out of pocket. There is an annual deductible based on income and a MAXIMUM amount that you will pay in a year before the province covers the expenses 100%. Here's a neat calculator to figure out what you would theoretically pay

The CARB drugs used the treatment of MS are covered 70% by the province under the "Special Circumstances" program for people who need drugs for conditions outside the mainstream illnesses. This coverage is requested by your neurologist treating you for MS and must be renewed every 12 months with a 3 month grace period. The coverage will start usually in 24-48 hours after the request is phoned in by the doctor.

The doctor doesn't have to call in for permission. In the case of the drug plans, the doctor is calling in to notify, not ask. We don't fill out claim forms. All billing is done by the doctor you've seen. The only interest a doctor/hospital/whatever has in your pre-existing conditions is from a medical perspective, not to deny you care.

You can see any doctor licensed to practice medicine in the province that will agree to make an appointment with you. You can go to any walk-in, urgent care and hospital ER in the province. You will not have a co-pay. There are no forms to fill out except at walk-in clinics where you'll be asked to fill out a name, address, and health complaint form, listing drug allergies, what drugs you are on now, and any conditions you have on it.

You can self-refer to specialists, but you'll be put on the "Not a priority" list and offered an appointment 6 months to a year from now. If you go to your doctor or local clinic and get a referral you will get in to them much faster as the referral will include triage information. If a doctor thinks you are in severe distress they will send you immediately to a hospital. You will see whatever specialist you need to see within hours, not days.

This is the long overview. If you have any specific questions about how it works, my comments link is open.