Love and Pain

I love my MS Walk team. They show me that people are good and they will get up stupid early and stand in the rain to help a friend. I feel unworthy of their love. I feel unworthy of all the love I was shown by Team Gl*tterB*tches 30+ donors. Next year I swear I am going to get my stuff together earlier and try to reach more people.

(As a side note, donor pages are open for another two weeks. If every participant raised just $20 more, we would raise another 1.2 million dollars!)

It’s taken me a couple of days to write this, mostly because my wrists, elbows, shoulders and knees are screaming in pain most of the day. I save up my typing time for work because I don’t actually get paid to blog, but I do get paid to transcribe dictation at the office.

I’m settling in to watch the NHL playoffs whilst my husband leaves for a two or three week get-away to the US to see his friends and family once his final exams are done.

I’ve missed some work this month, which I always find aggravating. I find it upsetting because I really don’t know if I am sick or just sick and tired of my job. I keep pushing myself to show up for my obligations, and until yesterday I had been mostly successful.

My neurologist suspects that much of what is wrong with me stems from my psyche not my damaged nervous system. I suspect that she’s correct.

I haven’t cried in weeks… maybe months. I choke up every time I hear “Born This Way”, but that’s not the same as having the meltdowns I used to have daily. I kind of miss them. At least I had hope. Or something.

What ever it was… I don’t have that anymore.

TEAM GL*TTERB*TCHES - 2011

GlitterBs, a photo by MS.Society_bc on Flickr.

"We're MS walkers, that's what we do.
Purple and glittery, that is our crew.

We have two doggies, they'll give you a lick.
But to keep it family friendly we can't say our name in public."

Thank you, thank you thank you to Margaret, Viktoria, Erin and Ray and especially Joe.

With your help we raised $2,150.68 for MS research and services. While I wish that I didn't have to walk, I did it.

And I'll do it again next year, because my team is amazing. My husband is amazing. And if I can keep these legs of mine moving amazingly I'll be there to walk for all the people who can't.

I have some other stuff to say about my lack of blogging over the past couple of months. Maybe I'll get around to that in a day or two. Or more.

Oh, and the water resistant tiaras were an ace investment.

TEAM GL*TTERB*TCHES (Ends at midnight on Saturday)

I'm only here to ask for money.

The walk is on Sunday, April 10, 2011. I'm waking up at 6:30 in the morning to go for a walk in a ridiculous amount of cosmetic grade glitter in (what is forecasted to be) the rain.

There will be photos.

We've raised $1,950. We're trying to get to $2,000 before the walk. You can help.

The last donor will win an official Team Gl*tterB*tches water resistant purple glitter tiara.

You want it. You want it bad. I know.

I think I'm broken.

That's the only word I have to describe it.

I don't know what to do about it.

I probably should just go to bed and forget about it.

The Apocalypse. Bring it.

I was going to sit down tonight and write about the next chapter in This Year I Will... but then I got reading the news and the posts in my Facebook news feed and all of a sudden I was just overcome by it all.

We, as a species, do not deserve this planet or opposable thumbs.

Just look at the front page of the CBC website. As I write these are the stories in the first screen view.

Tories slapped with 2 rulings

Quebec boy survives 3 hours in snow bank

Nurse disgraced in US working in Canada

UN investigator opens Libya torture probe

Egyptians clash in Tahrir Square

Chara avoids suspension for Pacioretty hit

Ovechkin has way with road-weary Oilers

(Okay so that last one isn't really bad news. Ovie is a loon, but I am so not an Oilers fan that I just can't bring myself to care.)

But let's break down the news of the day!

The party currently in power (aka the Harper Government) has an MP that misled parliament and the government hid the costs of items in the budget, putting them in contempt of parliament. There is so much snow in Quebec that you can lose one of your kids shoveling your driveway. Licensing bodies have no legal obligation to provide information to another jurisdiction when someone has been disciplined or been stripped of their license. The "government" of Libya is torturing its own citizens, as well as bombing and shooting them. The Egyptians who got together to overthrow a dictator now have found something else to fight over. And finally, it's okay to smash a guy's head into an immovable piece of metal, both rattling his brain and fracturing a vertebra, as long as you are playing hockey.

Got all that?

Then this petition showed up in my news stream.

You read that right. The New York Times wrote a story blaming an 11 year old girl for being raped by 18 boys and men. I could not believe it either. If you think that this is no big deal, get the fuck out of my blog and never speak to me.

The people of this planet suck. Why am I so worried about how to change my life or the size of my gut or getting a job I don't hate, when the entire human race is just interested in tearing each other down, exploiting the vulnerable and building small communities based on mutual scorn and mutual vengeance.

Maybe the secret to living sanely on this planet is ignorance? Maybe it doesn't matter what I end up doing with my life as long as I can stay medicated just enough to not pay attention, but not so much as I can't make it to work.

I'm really angry about the state of affairs. For tonight, I just throw my hands up.