Paranoia will Destroya

Two months ago to the day my mind and body just completely crapped out on me. I had done two straight months of being completely on top of my game and feeling great about it. Then one day, it all just broke.

My anxiety is constant and shifts from quietly lurking in the background to full out, screaming loud hyperventilation as it feels like the weight of the world has been rested on my chest. As I write this, I'm about a five on the ten point scale between those to ends. I'm terrified of everything.

Once again on my lunch hour I found myself in the self-help section of the bookstore scouring the shelves for the book, the program or the workbook that would help me fix my lousy fucking life. But it's not there. No matter how much I want it to be there, it's not.

My neurologist doesn't want me to do cardio (other than walking) or strength training every day because recovering from the nerve fatigue gets harder and harder with each successive day. So instead of figuring out a routine that would work I just quit. I just quit because I know myself.

Building a habit for me means I have to do it, practice it every single day. If I can't do something every day, I won't do it. I know myself. That's how I maintain my employment, I have daily routine that gets me out of bed and to the office and then home again. Any deviation from that can cause problems. Which is why I sit here.

I'm sitting here because I know I am being judged. I'm being judged by everyone I come into contact in a day. That is not rational, but I feel it. Every screaming loud hyperventilation trying to get out is telling me that I am a failure and completely worthless. No book or program or church or whatever is going to fix the MS to take this away.

My brain is broken. That is the most difficult thing for me to accept. I rebel against the idea on an hourly basis, but then reality smacks me in the face by making me bang into a door frame, not be able to lift my arm up, or just leave me so hopeless I wonder if there's any redemption in this world at all.

I keep making plans that keep getting blown up before they even taxi down the runway. It's gotten to the point that if the next plan gets shot down, I'm not telling anyone until they actually happen. It's just too devastating and makes me self-loathe with almost a religious fervor.

My friend Karen sent me a BBM after the MS Walk telling me that I am awesome and the over $2,100 we raised as a team was because of me. I never thanked her, because I was too embarrassed by her words. So Karen, if you are reading this... thank you. Your kindness humbles me.

So here I am with a sink full of dirty dishes left by Joe as he skipped the country, a disorganized house, a 1000 piece photomosaic jigsaw puzzle of the Canadian flag set up on the table, two cross-stitch projects started and one to just do the finishing on and all I can do is sit here and just obsess about how much my life sucks already and how what happened last night can only make matters worse.

I've been through enough therapy in my life to know that reality is what you focus on. I just don't know where you get the drive to just keep going through the motions. I don't have any goals that are important. The only dream I have is to have enough money that I can have a haircut, manicure & pedicure, waxing and threading scheduled in the same month. My only goal is to have a clean enough house and do enough writing in a month that I don't completely lose my mind. I'd like to lose 30 lbs, but that's highly unlikely given my strange food obsessions, fear of cooking and grocery stores and propensity to sit for hours and days on end.

I finally started to cry. That's where this ends.

Love and Pain

I love my MS Walk team. They show me that people are good and they will get up stupid early and stand in the rain to help a friend. I feel unworthy of their love. I feel unworthy of all the love I was shown by Team Gl*tterB*tches 30+ donors. Next year I swear I am going to get my stuff together earlier and try to reach more people.

(As a side note, donor pages are open for another two weeks. If every participant raised just $20 more, we would raise another 1.2 million dollars!)

It’s taken me a couple of days to write this, mostly because my wrists, elbows, shoulders and knees are screaming in pain most of the day. I save up my typing time for work because I don’t actually get paid to blog, but I do get paid to transcribe dictation at the office.

I’m settling in to watch the NHL playoffs whilst my husband leaves for a two or three week get-away to the US to see his friends and family once his final exams are done.

I’ve missed some work this month, which I always find aggravating. I find it upsetting because I really don’t know if I am sick or just sick and tired of my job. I keep pushing myself to show up for my obligations, and until yesterday I had been mostly successful.

My neurologist suspects that much of what is wrong with me stems from my psyche not my damaged nervous system. I suspect that she’s correct.

I haven’t cried in weeks… maybe months. I choke up every time I hear “Born This Way”, but that’s not the same as having the meltdowns I used to have daily. I kind of miss them. At least I had hope. Or something.

What ever it was… I don’t have that anymore.

TEAM GL*TTERB*TCHES - 2011

GlitterBs, a photo by MS.Society_bc on Flickr.

"We're MS walkers, that's what we do.
Purple and glittery, that is our crew.

We have two doggies, they'll give you a lick.
But to keep it family friendly we can't say our name in public."

Thank you, thank you thank you to Margaret, Viktoria, Erin and Ray and especially Joe.

With your help we raised $2,150.68 for MS research and services. While I wish that I didn't have to walk, I did it.

And I'll do it again next year, because my team is amazing. My husband is amazing. And if I can keep these legs of mine moving amazingly I'll be there to walk for all the people who can't.

I have some other stuff to say about my lack of blogging over the past couple of months. Maybe I'll get around to that in a day or two. Or more.

Oh, and the water resistant tiaras were an ace investment.

TEAM GL*TTERB*TCHES (Ends at midnight on Saturday)

I'm only here to ask for money.

The walk is on Sunday, April 10, 2011. I'm waking up at 6:30 in the morning to go for a walk in a ridiculous amount of cosmetic grade glitter in (what is forecasted to be) the rain.

There will be photos.

We've raised $1,950. We're trying to get to $2,000 before the walk. You can help.

The last donor will win an official Team Gl*tterB*tches water resistant purple glitter tiara.

You want it. You want it bad. I know.

I think I'm broken.

That's the only word I have to describe it.

I don't know what to do about it.

I probably should just go to bed and forget about it.