Monday, November 2, 2009

And furthermore,

I didn't get the job because I physically couldn't walk to her office and wouldn't have been able to get there if there was anything like snow at all.

Joe is going to quit school after this semester because even if I get a job he can't rely on me to stay employed. After we get caught up he'll figure out how to go back part time.

I have failed. Everything I promised Joe when he moved here is now lost. If it wasn't just another fucking expense I would kill myself. I'm pretty much useless now if I can't even pull my own weight around here.

My dad is right. I totally deserve this because this is the life that I chose and I failed to plan for all possible outcomes.

I feel like I've been repeatedly punched in the face. I can't stop crying. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of losing absolutely everything.


  1. :(

    I got nothing good to say. I'd offer up platitudes, but ... well, that's not what you want, and not terribly helpful. So all I have is :(

  2. If you ever feel like a chat, even if it's to tell me how much you feel like FAIL + 27, drop me a line. I totally get the feeling. Venting is good.

  3. Not to go all Pollyanna but Joe loves you enough to put aside his needs TEMPORARILY to get both of you through this rough patch. Did Joe promise you that you wouldn't get MS? No. Because there was no way to know that you might and you just can't promise people things years in the future. All of those promises are contingent on our own worlds not falling apart. Your world fell apart and you are lucky enough to have someone who loves you and wants to help you put it back together. And that IS lucky. I have MS and I don't have anyone in my life who cares about me in that way.

    What you can do for Joe now is try to put your world back together then as you said, he can go back to school even if it is part time for a while.

    Your father was just mean. People who tell people just diagnosed with incurable, life altering diseases are small, scared people who do not deserve our time and energy.

  4. How in the bloody hell does one 'plan for all possible outcomes'? Please ask your father to tell the rest of the world how that's done, ok? Otherwise, his comment was just cruel and unnecessary.

    Let me also second Barrie's advice. And please, please, don't let the comments of toxic people become your reality. Keep going forward, striving and achieving the best life you can for yourself and Joe.

  5. One thing that I have learned in 55 years of living, that whatever I am feeling now, I will feel differently in the future. I observe my pet animal. She acts quite happy. She does not know she has a disease that will disable/kill her. She takes one day at a time. (I know this sounds like a pat response.) I have found there is wisdom in nature, in those animal eyes.