I think I'm broken.

That's the only word I have to describe it.

I don't know what to do about it.

I probably should just go to bed and forget about it.

The Apocalypse. Bring it.

I was going to sit down tonight and write about the next chapter in This Year I Will... but then I got reading the news and the posts in my Facebook news feed and all of a sudden I was just overcome by it all.

We, as a species, do not deserve this planet or opposable thumbs.

Just look at the front page of the CBC website. As I write these are the stories in the first screen view.

Tories slapped with 2 rulings

Quebec boy survives 3 hours in snow bank

Nurse disgraced in US working in Canada

UN investigator opens Libya torture probe

Egyptians clash in Tahrir Square

Chara avoids suspension for Pacioretty hit

Ovechkin has way with road-weary Oilers

(Okay so that last one isn't really bad news. Ovie is a loon, but I am so not an Oilers fan that I just can't bring myself to care.)

But let's break down the news of the day!

The party currently in power (aka the Harper Government) has an MP that misled parliament and the government hid the costs of items in the budget, putting them in contempt of parliament. There is so much snow in Quebec that you can lose one of your kids shoveling your driveway. Licensing bodies have no legal obligation to provide information to another jurisdiction when someone has been disciplined or been stripped of their license. The "government" of Libya is torturing its own citizens, as well as bombing and shooting them. The Egyptians who got together to overthrow a dictator now have found something else to fight over. And finally, it's okay to smash a guy's head into an immovable piece of metal, both rattling his brain and fracturing a vertebra, as long as you are playing hockey.

Got all that?

Then this petition showed up in my news stream.

You read that right. The New York Times wrote a story blaming an 11 year old girl for being raped by 18 boys and men. I could not believe it either. If you think that this is no big deal, get the fuck out of my blog and never speak to me.

The people of this planet suck. Why am I so worried about how to change my life or the size of my gut or getting a job I don't hate, when the entire human race is just interested in tearing each other down, exploiting the vulnerable and building small communities based on mutual scorn and mutual vengeance.

Maybe the secret to living sanely on this planet is ignorance? Maybe it doesn't matter what I end up doing with my life as long as I can stay medicated just enough to not pay attention, but not so much as I can't make it to work.

I'm really angry about the state of affairs. For tonight, I just throw my hands up.

More accountable

The week of February 28 through March 6, 2011 did not go as planned. I ended up working five straight days of overtime and coming home mentally and emotionally wrung out from spending the last 4 hours of the day being shouted at and told to drop one thing for one thing after another until we got it all banged out. My wrists and forearms screamed in pain every day before I got home. I didn’t write at all last week with only those two blog posts being the only words I put together to form sentences and paragraphs.

By Friday I was just a crazy wound up ball of frustration, so I ended up having chocolate pudding and beer for dinner and then handfuls of microwave popcorn, pretzels and tortilla chips on top of a couple of vodka and Coke Zeros. (Yeah, I know. It was a horrible freak show of food, but I wasn’t an idiot, so I’m okay with it.)

Saturday I found out that if I don’t start my day and keep refueling with caffeine at regular intervals I can’t stay awake for more than 2 hours. Since Joe was working on school stuff he didn’t really notice that I wasn’t around and just let me sleep. MS is just a gift that keeps on giving. Sunday was more awake than asleep but I was still really slow and tired.

This is where it gets hard. This morning my alarm went off at training o’clock and I just could not do it. I couldn’t open my eyes, I couldn’t lift myself up, I just could not get out of bed until well after 7:30 AM.

I’m terrified that I am getting sick again. I haven’t started going to bed at 5:30 PM yet so I’m not sure that the fatigue is a new symptom, but it is frustrating as hell not to be able to do what I could do just a week ago.

So this brings me to Chapter 2 (which was supposed to be published on Saturday) and Chapter 3 (which will put me back on schedule).

You’ve Really Got to Want This

and

What Need is Being Served by What You’re Doing Now?

Chapter 2 in a nutshell – Don’t bother setting a goal you aren’t willing to do the hard things for. You will fail. All the good intentions and hopes in the world won’t help you if you don’t really want it enough. If you really want it, you’ll do it through the setbacks and disappointments. That’s where I am at now. Do I really want this enough to do what is hard?

The key to Chapter 3 is coming to realize that what you are doing right now seemed like the solution to a problem but now the solution is a bigger problem than the original. If I don’t understand why I do what I do now, I’m unlikely to be able to change it.

What need is being served by what I am doing now? I have to get clear on that in order to succeed. Confession… I really think I do what I do now because sitting is easier than standing, standing is easier than walking and walking is easier than running. Not sure what need that is filling but I do know that cupcakes will not plug gaping chasm where your soul used to be.

Accountable

I was supposed to write about Chapter 1 - Preparing for Change last night, but I ended up spending over three hours completing the job application for the government.

THREE HOURS (and I didn't even finish the cognitive skills test) and it left me just exhausted. So... I'll be brief.

Chapter 1 of This Year I Will... is less than two pages long. It simply warns against just jumping in and taking drastic actions when you haven't even thought it through. You have to prepare to take action.

Be clear about my motivation:

Why do I do what I do now?

What will help and support my personal changes?

Can't linger here, at least not for very long. I know for me one of my fail points is just jumping in and not realizing what I can actually fit into my life logically.

Before action - prepare.

I"ll be back tomorrow with Chapter 2 - You've Really Got To Want This

The Trail Becomes a Rut

TOP TEN RESOLUTION PITFALLS

1. Being vague about what you want.
2. Not making a serious commitment.
3. Procrastinating and excuse making – no time, wrong time, dog ate my homework.
4. Being unwilling to go through the awkward phase.
5. Not setting up a tracking and reminder system.
6. Expecting perfection, falling into guilt, shame, regret.
7. Trying to go it alone.
8. Telling yourself self-limiting rut stories.
9. Not having backup plans.
10. Turning slip-ups into give-ups.

From This Year I Will… M.J. Ryan – Broadway Books (2006) p.8-9

If you are like me at all, you get so fed up with your life that all you can do is maintain the status quo to the detriment of your personal wellbeing or all you want to do is start indulging in really, really destructive behaviours until you die. Or get fired. Or divorced. Or whatever.

When I was diagnosed with MS I found that,

a) I have another human being in my life who was counting on me to get as better as I could so we get our future in order together, and

b) I did not have the money, energy or youthful body I once had to set myself up for a downward spiral.

Last August I got my wakeup call. I found out that I was the fattest I had ever been in my life. I was crazy with menopausal symptoms, I hated my job and I just wasn’t happy with anything in my life. So I started trying to change.

And I did for a while until I stopped. I had a MS setback for a couple of days and just never picked back up where I left off when I was better. I knew that I was happier when I was doing the stuff I had decided that I wanted to do, but I had a killer case of the “Ah, fuck it”s.

I get those a lot.

In December I read a review of this book, though I can’t seem to find it now. It was on sale for $13 or something and I was already purchasing a book for my dad so that pushed me over the $25 threshold to get free shipping. Ta Dah! I had a book that might help.

Last night I re-read the first chapter of This Year I Will…, The Adventure of Living Your Dreams, and remembered why I thought that this particular book might actually help.

1) The author makes no time sensitive promise: “A New You in 30 Days” “Fix Your Life in 72 Hours”

2) states that people are capable of change in fundamental ways.

3) that giving up an old habit is really starting a new habit.

4) that there is no “one size fits all” answer, formula or system that will help people change.

So we are standing on the precipice of either jumping off or staying where we are. This is pre-contemplation. This is necessary. The questions I’m asking myself tonight are posed in Chapter One as examples of what others did before making a life change.

“What Will Truly Make You Happy”?

“What’s the Price of Not Changing”?

I’ve had my wakeup call. I’ve experienced some success, yet there are things that are driving me nuts about my life. That’s why I’m here, asking the questions.

So – where do I want to go with this? That’s why I am here. I have been informed that I can achieve what I set out to do, if I only have the skills and tools necessary to do them.

Go. Forward.

Preparation

It's a new month.

I am fairly happy with the state of my resolutions.

I managed to meet all of my goals on 22 of 28 days in February, and got at least one thing I wanted to do on all 28 days.

Tonight begins a new set of priorities. I am trying to figure out what three things I want to create or maintain during the month of March, so I'll be reading and working through This Year I Will... over the next two months.

The biggest change is that I'll be blogging every second day. We'll see how that goes. Thankfully, there is a really public way of holding myself accountable. Either this space gets filled or I'm not living up to the contract.

It's almost bedtime. G'night folks.