Wednesday, July 18, 2012

The monsters are crazy.

I have assembled on my queen-sized bed the collection of every DIY, self-help, How-To and planning book I currently own.

This is a collection of 27 books. This does not include the countless books I borrowed from the library or the 10 or 15 books I put in a donation bin about a year ago. This also doesn't include the books that I have borrowed from friends or managed to leave somewhere on public transit. Nor does it include the 2 or 3 e-books I have stored on my hard drive, or my previous membership with and an endless browsing history of sites like and These books are just the ones that I love and use as reference, the ones that I bought and haven't had a chance to read, and a couple that changed my life.

At the book store on my lunch hour, I considered what was in this pile of good intentions and "I had what alcoholics refer to as 'a moment of clarity'", which is kind of ironic since I did a few years in 12-Step recovery in my second attempt (at the age of 19) to fix my failing life. But in this moment today I realized that without order, I am batshitnuts. Love a numbered list, a colour-coded to-do list, a daily agenda of times, places and people, and a plan of attack that includes my personal affirmations:
  1. If it will take two minutes or less, do it now.
  2. If you take it out, put it back.
  3. If not now, when?
(I have more personal affirmations, but those are the ones that are in the back of my head throughout the day.)

I go through what I don't know what else to call but a crisis of faith twice a year. Once in late December, as I realize that yet another calendar year has passed and I am nowhere closer to a fabulous life and again around my birthday, when I realize that yet another year of my life has passed and I am nowhere closer to the awesome life I want. I keep trying to ignore the fact that I don't exactly know what "fabulous" and "awesome" look like as a reality in my life other than to say that I will know it when I get it.

Getting diagnosed with MS has made these periods of crisis heavy. I feel that I must finally get it right this year because I might not be able to walk next year. I might go blind next year. I might lose my ability to think and reason next year. I might be any number of bullshit things that are possibly when you have this life sentence hanging over you.

I feel desperate to get it right. To find the order and the help in all these books and the internet and what I know to be true to make something worth living out of this life of mine.

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