Holding back

Every night I come to this flashing cursor and I have a tonne of stuff I want to say, but I try to follow the rules I have set for myself.

What goes in this blog has to be about my life, as it relates to my day-to-day, I say nothing that I wouldn't want published on the front page of the Globe and Mail (or New York Times), and it won't hurt anyone I love.

So here is the grey area.  There are things that I would like to say; about my beliefs, my values, my politics. It doesn't bother me much that my parents wouldn't be happy, but they either love me as me am or I don't talk to them. They get that. I think.

The problem is that what I want to say would upset my in-laws and severely alter their opinion of me. That really doesn't upset me much. But I know that it would upset my husband, because they are his parents and he wants them to like me.

So, I pour another glass of wine (#2) and suck it up.

***

This wine is very good.

***

I'm listening to my husband tell the story of his first day at the University of British Columbia.

It's going to be a very, very long two years.

Blah blah blah

I really, really hate looking for a job.

I really, really hate having MS.

I really, really hate not having enough hours in the day to slack off playing Facebook flash games and get the house work done, learn pilates and/or yoga, work on my book, work on my idea(s) and buy lottery tickets.

***

Today I got a coffee as a mid-afternoon pick me up and I saw that this particular java purveyor had a shiny shaker full of "vanilla sugar".

I love vanilla sugar in coffee. It's been a couple a years since I had some, I'm pretty sure.

I finished that cup of coffee around 3 PM.

Ever since then, randomly and without warning and at no specific interval, I can smell vanilla sugar.

***

I had a thought, now it's gone.

I've got a date with Stephen Colbert. Good night.

Better

Sometimes the misery of others reminds me just how far I've come.

I haven't thought about killing myself in over two years. (I think)

I haven't done anything damaging to my life or my relationship or my continued employability in well over 7 years.

Today I was forced to think about the graphic details of my own history with depression. I was talking to someone I love very much (and who's association in my life will remain confidential) who's life imploded on Friday. Relationship, home, security, everything just gone because this person couldn't deal with their depression. That sucks. I offered what little I had, but mostly I just listened.

The Crazy (as I like to call it) is irrational. What's balls about it is that most people I know with it are some of the most logical, rational and reasoned people I know... and among the smartest I know as well. I know my biggest problem has often been reasoning myself out of a reason to live.

Wellbutrin and Cognitive Behavioural Therapy saved my life. The Wellbutrin kept me from killing myself long enough for the therapy to work, and a few years later I'm not on Wellbutrin or in therapy any more. But that wasn't a quick fix and I suspect that I am not even close to sane.

But I'm employed, my relationship with my husband is awesome, my friends are great and I've got some sort of a plan - as vague as that is - and as far as I am concerned that kind of peace of mind is good enough. Happiness is fleeting. I'll take content.

***

Had We're Awesome Lunch  with my friend Erin today.
We're doing pretty good. We've both come a long way in the past two years. So we had lunch in Yaletown to celebrate our Collective Awesome.

Done.

When you avoid the sun (and heat in general) and really have no interest in being outside, seeing the unofficial end of summer is kind of a relief.

That said, these are the things I wish I had done this summer:

1. Spent some time drinking wine on the beach at sunset.
2. Gone to Grouse Mountain just to see what the fuss is about.
3. uh... I don't think there is a number 3.

Goodbye Summer of 2012. I won't really miss you at all.

I don't have a lot to write about these days because what is on my mind has nothing to do with day-to-day life with MS or day-to-day life with me.

Since I went to the Underground Railroad Freedom Center, and have been reading news story after news about how people continue to be cruel to each other because of their race, class, ethnicity, sex, gender presentation, sexuality and/or disability, I've been looking at people differently.

My time in Ohio left me changed and I am not sure that I have the tools or the capital to make any kind of difference. The only thing that I can do is try to live differently, or something.

I have spent the past 30-40 minutes with my hands on the keyboard watching the cursor flash in anticipation of the next words to come out. I have nothing to add to this. 

Will anything go wrong if I use you to make my decisions?

This is going to be awesome. I can now abdicate all responsibility for my choices!

(sorry about the flash flare)