I'm lazy and don't have enough time.

I totally posted this elsewhere on the web.
But this is why I am lazy...


I have put in 8 hours at the office.
I have put 500 words of non-fiction on paper.
I have researched public spaces for a product launch party for 30 to 50.
I have put together the to-do list for that event.
I have researched and put together a short report on 5 e-commerce merchant account services.
I have eaten food and accomplished the unthinkable... I hit the targets in every single area I'm tracking.
I have done my strength training and physiotherapy.

It is not quite 9:30 PM but I still have half a dozen things left to do, and my stupid effin' to-do list won't load in a timely fashion tonight.

I am posting this blog. Then I have to sweep the floors, layout my clothes for tomorrow, put my purse and stuff together for the office, track my MS symptoms, and file my nails. I need to have a shower and dry my hair. I have to do my shot. Then I want to get another 500 words down before I fall asleep watching Colbert.

I am not sure that it is humanly possible, but I am going to step forward and try.

Silence

I've been trying to stay quiet these days.

I'm still working, still doing my physio too. My symptoms are mostly stable, but I've found that my numb fingers change to numb hands when I am tired or angry.

My hands, I don't like them when they are angry.

I've taken on a few hours a week doing administrative/research tasks for a friend with a small but growing business.

I'm trying to write a lot and failing.
I'm trying to stitch a lot and failing.
I'm trying to get my house back to the level of organization that it was before I got sick and failing.

I've lost three pounds since I started eating more than once a day.

I've started lifting light weights and walking for 30 minutes on my lunch hour.

I will lose 15 lbs before my cousin's wedding if it drives me crazy to do it.

I was called a "cripple" on the bus for walking too well with a cane. There was more to it than that, and I showed incredible restraint by not beating the woman senseless with my cane.

"When Life is Hard, You've Got to Change"

I am really bad at having mercy on myself.

I am also the first one to make excuses for myself and then hate myself to doing it.

I have been unable to look in the mirror without cringing for about two years and a week or two ago started figuring out what it was going to take to get myself back. I've consulted with my neurologist, physiotherapist and next month I will have further conversations with my family doctor and psychiatrist.

I've been cleared to lift weights absolutely no heavier than 5 lbs with strict instructions to stop, even mid set, if I start losing control of the movement.

I'm still struggling with depression, anxiety and food disinterest. Since I don't eat convenient junk anymore and still have my pathological fear of grocery stores I often have difficulty meeting the minimum caloric, fat, carbohydrate and protein amounts every day.

I pushed myself over the 1,200 calories a day minimum with a vodka tonic two days last week.

I joined SparkPeople. I'm not really good at "group hug" forms of support but it's pretty easy to avoid the evangelists of the program.

It is so hot upstairs I've got only a minute or two to grab my laundry and get out without becoming nauseous.

I am really sick of MS taking my life away. I have to find the will to fight even harder to keep what I have. If I am strong when my next relapse takes things away I will have less reconditioning and rebuilding what has atrophied when it lets go.

I am suddenly struck with tiredness, which is strange and unsettling for me. Caffeine time.

Update.

Went for my three month follow up after starting Copaxone.

I have regained about 95% of what I lost during my first relapse. That's the great news.

My coordination is improving, I have more vestibular training to do in order to get the most out of yoga and pilates and some kinetic training to improve my cardio on the bike. My optic nerve is healing and my strength is improving on my left side. I can walk straight, walk on my toes and walk on my heels. I can stand with my legs together, arms straight out and close my eyes. I am sleeping 6 to 8 hours a night and still functioning in my day. I'm still having an unpleasant symptom that makes me feel awful about myself, but I'm not likely to get an answer on this until late this year or early in the new year because it's not something that is going to kill me. I have minimal spasticity remaining in my left leg. I am still getting nerve fatigue but she couldn't wear it out in a 15 minute test like she could last year.

I have to see the Copaxone nurse because some of my bruises have turned into spider veins which is not cool.

Since I don't have anything "interesting" going on, I won't get another MRI until A) I have a significant relapse or B) have one considered in three years. Which is good, because I don't see the point of doing an MRI on someone who is, for all intents and purposes, healthy.

I am really enjoying the Ativan. Really enjoying to the point where I think it might be wise to take the weekend off because this feeling of absolutely not giving a shit about anything can be quite habit forming. It's just so good.

And 30 of them only cost $11. Even without Fair Pharmacare I'd totally put the money out for that.

Following up with the Neuro in February 2011, after checking in with my annual poke n' prod at the family doctor and the MS neuro-psychiatrist in September.

Considering asking my family doctor to send me for a consult with a reconstructive surgeon because I would LOVE to get rid of these breasts of mine. My back, neck and shoulders are just killing me even with good, properly fitted bras. But it's still under consideration.

After those two appointments I will have a more accurate picture of what it is I need to do to save my own life.

But for now, I'm going to consider what to do this weekend since my house has been neglected for more than three weeks and that makes me feel awful about myself too.