Sunday, April 5, 2009

How soon is now?

I imagine doing all sorts of destructive behaviour these days. Every time Joe comes in from outside after smoking I feel envious that I am "not allowed" to smoke. I haven't smoked in over 18 months and I think about it more and more every day.

There's nothing that I would like more than to spend the rest of my life drinking, smoking and enjoying prescription medications. I believe the term is "Comfortably Numb".

Sadly, I don't have the budget for such an endeavour. Mayhaps I should start buying lottery tickets just to fund it?

Three words:


On one hand, I'm told that I need to do these things so I can be "happy".
On the other hand, I'm told that I have to go slowly, patiently and scale back my expectations or I'll never be "happy". Live in the now, she says.

NOW SUCKS. I don't want to live in this Now. I want to live in someone else's Now. I've been trying to live in some other Now for my entire fucking life, and now I'm told that I absolutely have no other fucking choice but to live in this one?

I give up. I can't live like this and I can't live the way that I want to. I will call the authorities that need calling tomorrow morning. I'll try to fake some sort of hope to save those around me from any sort of discomfort. Today is the last day I talk about anything negative in public.

Only sunshine, lollipops and rainbows for this woman... or she'll say nothing at all.

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