Symptom Log: Day 9

• Paraesthesia (Partial numbness, tingling, buzzing and vibration sensations)
• Anaesthesia (Complete numbness/loss of sensation)
• Intention tremor (Shaking when performing fine movements)
• Ataxia (Loss of coordination)
• Dysmetria (Constant under- or overshooting limb movements)
• Frigidity (Inability to become sexually aroused)
• Depression
• Cognitive dysfunction (Short-term and long-term memory problems, forgetfulness, slow word recall)
• Mood swings, emotional lability
• Anxiety 
• Fatigue 
• Uhthoff's Symptom (Increase in severity of symptoms with heat)
• Sleeping Disorders
• Inappropriately cold body parts

The footdrop is gone again, the neuraligia went away later in the day after my last posting and has not returned, and generally my ataxia (loss of coordination) isn't happening with the same frequency or severity, but is still present.

I was going to go downtown to the Chapters to buy a book that can be found there, but I've been devastated by another loss. I have nothing to wear. I wear pajamas and yoga pants. Nothing else I own fits.

Along with having to accept that my body doesn't work, I also have to accept that I am a fat girl. Nothing can change this. I am a fat girl. I am 5'6" and I weigh 155 lbs, and I am a fat girl.

Before someone comes along and starts chatting about fat acceptance and self-esteem and the unattainable norms of western beauty culture, yad-da, yad-da, yad-da... I don't care.  That's not the point.

It's like this. I wake up every day not recognizing myself. My body doesn't feel the same and it doesn't look the same. It hasn't felt like my own body since last summer. My hair and skin are a mess. My brain is a mess.

Having my physical capabilities stolen from me is devastating enough, but also having my self-image ripped away just adds insult to that injury.

This is just more frustrating because I started calling gyms about personal training. Every gym I called won't work with me because of my disablity. They suggested that I get my doctor to refer me to someone.

I don't know how to lose weight without exercise. I am pretty sure it's not possible. But when the most physical you've been able to get in the past three months is 5 YOGA poses in 15 minutes, I don't think that weight loss is going to be timely or even likely.