Sunday, May 10, 2009

Symptom Log: Day 27

I have these three symptoms all day, every day.
  • Paraesthesia (Partial numbness, tingling, buzzing and vibration sensations)
  • Depression
  • Cognitive dysfunction (Short-term and long-term memory problems, forgetfulness, slow word recall)
The footdrop, ataxia, neuralgia, anaesthesia, fatigue, anxiety, mood swings and Uhthoff's all come and go and are largely dependent on how well I manage my time and my energy. Like for instance, I can't go for my six block walk and do yoga in the same day, so I do each every second day.

Writing privately is proving to be much better for me (and let's face it, all of you) than blogging. I feel less judged, more able to manage my own response to my life, and I feel like I'm just better off not sharing what's really going on. Everytime I try to tell someone I actually know the truth about what is actually happening I get told that I just need to be positive, that I need to count my blessings, and that I need to just be grateful.

And that lets me know that the people who actually know me don't really know me at all. That makes me sad, because that includes the man I married and two or three of the people I consider closest to me.

Today's been a real day of evaluation for me because my grandfather died 10 years ago this very day. I miss him and there isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish that he and Joe had met.

My life was very, very different than it is now back then. I don't think that the people who know me now would even recognize the person I was back then. I'm glad that part of my life is over.

I miss my grandpa. I wish he were here.

1 comment:

  1. I'm thrilled that writing privately is helpful to you but I feel awful if anything I said made you feel judged :-( Really awful! Reading your posts has been very interesting for me since I am 8 years in now and trying to think back to where I was in that first year after being diagnosed has really made me see how little impact the MS actually has had on me. I hope you have a truly lovely Sunday doing only what you most enjoy doing :-)