Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Two steps forward...

348,290 steps back.

I have a job interview of sorts tomorrow, and I'm pretty sure I don't have what it takes anymore to "wow" someone at an interview. My confidence is barely registering, and it seems like every step I take to try to move forward gets me kicked in the face.

I have a difficult time explaining myself, my cognitive abilities are shot, my physical abilities are intermittent and I think I just really hurt myself doing a yoga pose I could do yesterday.

I had a very frank discussion with the social worker at the MS clinic yesterday, and I think that she's getting a better idea of what to do and say around me. But she keeps repeating statements such as "you are going to have to find new meaning in your life" and "you're going to have to reexamine what's important in your life" every time I see her.

The thing is - I didn't have a whole lot of meaning or important things in my life before MS, and I'm finding less reason to bother finding them with each passing day with MS. The things that I used to have so much interest in before make me physically sick now, and the thing that I thought would be calming and wonderful is causing me injury and making me feel like an incompetent.

I need instruction on how to do this yoga shit, and according to this book I need a whole bunch of supplies that I don't have in order to adapt the exercises to what I can do. I'm also having a difficult time trying to figure out how the movements work from photographs in a book. It's endlessly frustrating, because I end up just re-doing the five things I can remember Richard teaching me over and over again, because I know I can do them. I don't have any money for lessons or supplies, so I guess I'm just going to add this to "my new normal".

The decrease in my income is really, really starting to show. I need to get back to work ASAP or things are going to get awful messy very, very quickly. I truly hate my life most days, and I don't think that people understand because I don't "look sick". The Wellbutrin has given me more energy, but it certainly hasn't removed my daily desire to slash my fucking wrists.

I am sick of being life's little prison bitch. If it's going to sodomize me on a regular basis, it should at least have the courtesy to use lube.


  1. Hmm, I am luckier than you are in that the worst thing about the MS for me was that it seemed like it was going to take away the one thing I have always wanted to do in my life: train dogs. So once I was able to decide that if it did it did and until that moment I was just going to ignore all the sensible people who said that I had to get an annoying job that I would hate just for the benefits and I was going to do what I loved doing as long as I could do it.

    So, you were just working for a paycheck to help support your family before the MS? I can't remember if you have kids or not. I guess that puts you in the position of just getting another job doing whatever you can do to get a paycheck to help support the family and then in your spare time you can work on figuring what you actually WANT to do? I dunno. I don't have anything useful to say. It sucks. I wish neither of us had MS :-(

  2. I was working for a paycheque to support Joe and I; we're childfree.

    The agreement, as it were, was that he would emigrate to Canada and take advantage of the education system here, and I would support him and then we would move to the US and he would support me whilst I figured out my shit.

    But MS has changed all that because 1) I can't support him right now and 2) MS may make me ineligible to immigrate to the US.

  3. all you need to do Yoga is a body and a floor (with maybe a carpet). Just move your body until you feel a stretch, hold it for a few breaths, and then move again. The stuff in the book is just someone else's ideas on how to stretch.