Straddling Worlds

Nicole over at My New Normals said something that felt like a kick in the shins:

I just have to believe that by just having it, it doesn’t diminish who I am.

I think this all the time. It goes something like this:

If I am sick I am worthless.
If I am unable to pull my own weight I am worthless.
If I am incapable of doing it (whatever it is) I am worthless.

So I work extra hard at being normal so you won't notice when I'm not.

I am fortunate that I still "pass" in the abled world. I can walk pretty far. I can still grasp things. My cognitive skills aren't what they used to be, but I'm still pretty sharp. My sense of humour is as black as ever. I do okay.

Sometimes I have to act "as if" I am abled and do things that trick you into thinking I'm okay. I'll make an excuse to stop for something to drink or eat so we can sit down. I'll tell you I'm running a bit late when I really just had a hard time buttoning up my shirt so I switched outfits. I'll leave early just in case where I am going ends up being further than I expected and I might have to stop along the way if I am dressed to warmly.

It's just little stuff that most people never consider, and quite frankly I'm not sure I care if they ever do. Why would you consider the accommodations I have to make to live in a world where people do all the same stuff I do with no accommodation?

That said, I really am doing okay. As long as I can keep steady hours, eat and sleep on a schedule and stay cool I can pretty much do what every single other person in this city can do.

Except walk in a straight line, do up buttons and work a touchscreen with the tips of my fingers.

Thanks for the inspiration, Nicole. I enjoy your new normals.