*THEE* Soul Sucking Experience

I hate job hunting, and goodness knows I've done enough of it in my life time. I haven't had the best of luck with employment and I'm starting to figure out why.

I am woefully uneducated, yet highly skilled and capable, so I get *good* jobs when the economy is good and I'm the first one gone when the economy tanks. Everything I know how to do I've either learned myself or is something I'm just naturally inclined to do.

I've been job searching for days, and have yet to even apply for a job. Most of the places I'm looking are large corporations/government, and they all have these online application processes. As you go through, you have to tell them where you went to school, check the boxes to show that you have experience in X-Y-Z software, that you have A-B-C credential, blah, blah, blah and if you don't they reject your application, or you know that it won't screen through their word search and your application goes *poof*.

Now I know what you are thinking, "Don't apply at all those large corporations/government." But sadly, they're the only employers out there that offer benefits to the disabled, have employment equity hiring programs and are large enough to accommodate my potential and current disabilities.

I have an appointment with my friendly neighbourhood employment counsellor tomorrow afternoon because I am at a total loss as to what to do. The two disability employment resources agencies that I could find locally either 1) Won't call me back or 2) I don't qualify for it because I'm not on the provincial disability income assistance. The agency 1) currently has three open job postings at CharityVillage.com so I am guessing that it's probably a really disfunctional place. I'd apply for the job but I don't have employment counselling experience. I've been to enough of them that I could probably do it, but not having that community counselling diploma from the local community college is really holding me back.

*sigh*

I don't belong in the helping professions. That's clear.

I am really, really angry about all the trouble my diagnosis has brought. I don't want to look for a job! I don't want to have to give up all the stuff I wanted to do! I don't want this life. I don't. I don't. I don't.

One week and six days from now is the day I see the neuro-psychiatrist. Hopefully he has some pills that turn on my will to live and turn off my ability to care about my condition at the same time. If it comes from a doctor it's better for me than say booze and street available Vicoden.

That way, the soul sucking will hurt less.