Saturday, May 5, 2012

Not There Yet - A Haiku in Triptych

From Peace Be With You - a blog by Judy
I am still in shock.
I may never recover
and accept the blow.

It is not recent,
my decades-old life-slaying
damned diagnosis.

Moments of peace come.
I may even find laughter.
The sadness remains.
While my diagnosis is not decades-old, I really empathize with this feeling. Like I said the other day I'm doing really well physically. My mental health is probably as good as its been in years.

But sometimes, mostly when I think about the future, I cry. I know that the future we have planned depends on so many things we can't control. Like, I don't know if I will end up in a wheelchair. I don't know if the fatigue will one day take over my life. I don't know if I will always be able to move my hands.

I don't know a lot of things about my future, but what I do know is that I do not want to "accept" that I've got an incurable and life-limiting disease.

Whenever someone says "Hey, ya gotta stay positive!" I tell them that the only thing my positivity does for my illness is make it easier for my friends and family to live with me. It doesn't change the course of my disease, or make it easier to do up my own buttons or put on my own bra or walk without tripping on my own toes.

My "positive outlook" is mostly for the benefit of others because being real about how I feel about my prospects makes people, even the people I love, uncomfortable. I also try not to be an asshole to the people I love. I don't want to hurt those people.

After more than 3 years I have come to accept one thing. I am not going to accept having MS. I am going to live with it. I am going to get on with it. I am even going to do what is in my limited power to not let it get the best of me.

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for honoring my poem. It took me a while to allow myself to resist the impulse to bury these feelings under the guise of "staying positive." In the end, I find that honesty works best.