The New Plan

is being re-drafted.

I didn't get the job that would work perfectly with the plan. Or rather, the company's strategic plan is not complete yet so they don't know if I would fit into the plan yet and they will call me if/when they have a place for me.

So the job search continues and it sucks big hairy moose cock.

I also had an unpleasant medical appointment at the hospital at 7:45 AM, I have a pounding headache and I'm starving because I haven't eaten since 6 AM.

I'm not in a good mood so I am going to consider the two job applications I made today to be enough and call it a day.

And get something to eat.

I Didn't Tell Her To Go Fuck Herself

... but I totally wanted to.

Today I was at the hospital getting some tests done to see if we're doing the right thing when it comes to treating some unpleasant symptoms that won't go away.

I went into the cafeteria and came face to face with one of the health care "professionals" from the MS Clinic. She asked me how I was doing and asked if I was still working.

I told her my employment history in two sentences including details that I had been laid off and was trying to find new employment and she looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Why didn't you just go on disability when you lost your job."

I am sure I mentally killed her with the daggers in my eyes. It took all the power I could muster not to hiss at her when I replied,

"Because I'm not disabled."

And then she got that patronizing look of amused pity and said,

"Oh...you think you can still work.

Good For You, Dear."

And she smiled the patronizing smirk of someone who thinks they know better and patted me on the arm in the "There, There." fashion.

I said, "It was nice to see you."

I turned on my heel and abandoned the idea of picking up a snack before my appointment.


I run into this A LOT, especially around people connected with the MS Clinic and the MS Society and I get it from MS patients who's disease has progressed further than mine. Fortunately I don't get it from my neurologist and family doctor. There's this thing, almost like a need for people with this disease or in this work to lower my expectations for my own life... as if I really need help with that.

Even though it took every fibre of my being not to say it...

I didn't tell them to go fuck themselves.

In Case of An Emergency

With the 7.7 Haida Gwaii earthquake and "Superstorm" Sandy barrelling down on the US east coast I'm reminded of our own 72 Hour Plan. If you don't have one, you are tempting fate. If you don't trust the government and you don't have a 72 Hour Plan you either have a death wish or are a hypocrite.

Get Prepared is an excellent place for Canadians to start. It will help you prepare for the kind of risks your area is likely to face. There are also links to the the Province of British Columbia Emergency Preparedness Program (and their helpful zombie apocalypse survival guide) and Emergency Management Ontario (which has warnings up about Hurricane Sandy) and all the other provincial and territorial programs on dealing with catastrophes.

Make your plan online

Put your emergency kit together

Or buy a ready-made kit or buy one you add your own food and water to.

For my US friends FEMA has all your disaster related information for your area of the continent.

For my UK chums there's UK Resilience (which is the most awesome government department, ever).

Know your risks. Have a plan. Buy or put together your own kit.

To my friends in Maryland, New Jersey and New York - stay safe, stay warm, stay dry.

Sorting the bits and pieces

Unemployment is really, really, bad for me.

After realizing that every single great habit I had going hinged on my requirement to be awake, dressed, out of the house and on my best behaviour by 8 AM I am trying to resort my routine for not being required to go anywhere or do much of anything.

I have a great routine and schedule, don't get me wrong. And it works *great* in making sure I am a productive member of society. But getting the motivation to get up and do things when I don't have to... that's my stumbling point. I know this.

But there is good news!

The point where I notice it's getting bad is happening sooner. I've only been off work for three weeks. I'm aware of it and am now trying to right the ship as it were.

There is probably nothing worse than a hypocritical professional organizer.

I get anxiety just thinking about personally failing at what it is I really want to do.

***

The first step to any project is to gather together everything together and then start sorting - like with like - until there is a manageable pile of tasks or items to deal with.

I have my pile.

***

If anyone knows when and where the annual Calendar Club store is setting up before xmas in Vancouver (or  SkyTrain-able Burnaby) I could use the heads up.

Thnx.

Hurry Up!

So, my Thursday coffee and conversation might turn into something. It might turn into something that fits ideally into The New Plan. It probably even fits the longer term plan.

I cannot be too confident. I do not want to be disappointed. I do not want to be hopeful.

Joe got excellent news today and so now he's even more on board with The New Plan.

Now if only the NHL lockout would be over or one of these lottery tickets pays out tonight or tomorrow night, this weekend would be the most awesome ever.

***

My NFL habit starts the weekend at 0-1. Purple lost last night to fucking Tampa. TAMPA!

***

I know exactly what to do. I just need to do it. Please let next Wednesday come quickly. That's when I find out what the outcome is of the coffee and conversation. Which hopefully will take the sting out of the unpleasantness of my two MS-related trips to hospital clinics on Monday and Wednesday morning.

***

MS has given me a body that often acts like that of 60+ woman... which I guess isn't all that surprising given that MS has given me premature ovarian failure, muscle weakness and stiff joints. I found out what it's like to have an aging body 30 years ahead of schedule.

yay...

***

I just want the days to pass. I need to get things moving forward. I am impatient when I can't act.

This might be the most harmful thing to me.

Stuck

Everything is going to be so different in six months.

But right now NOTHING is changing and all I can really do is sketch out a plan of the things I need to do so the change happens smoothly. Hopefully.

One of my phone interviews from last week turned into a "It's not us, it's you." email. Which I guess is okay because it didn't fit the plan well.

I have a phone interview tomorrow morning. I am resigned to indifference toward anything that isn't an in-person interview with the person who is empowered to hire. And even then, I am not hopeful or eager.

I have a coffee & business chat on Thursday I want to be hopeful about, but I am unsure it is the right opportunity or it will fit the plan.

I guess I'll know that on Thursday afternoon.

I'm working on starting my own business. That feels right as well as smart. I guess I'll know if that is working out by this time next year.

Until forward motion can start happening... here I am.

Not inspired

Purple was 1-1 this weekend. Minnesota won and Baltimore lost.

The four things that need to happen for a successful NFL weekend. Purple needs to win and the Patriots and Steelers need to lose. If the Steelers lose this game (Go Bengals!) then my weekend will be 2-2.

***

I miss hockey.

***

I have five x-stitch projects that just need finishing into greeting cards, fridge magnets or pillows but that's the part that sucks and isn't any fun so they're just sitting unfinished. I have the best of intentions to do that tomorrow, but I am sure that something will come up.

***

I have a spreadsheet of all the materials I have available for x-stitching. Next weekend I am making a white glitter star fridge magnet, and starting a set of 3 or four glitter backed magnets according to my spreadsheet. I have six days to think about it. 

Or not.

***

The NFL has stolen my heart. I don't follow US college football because I reject organized religion.

***

I had two phone interviews last week. I have no idea how they went. I have a job search group meeting on Tuesday, all day.

yay...

I still hate looking for a job.

***

Somebody give me some inspiration. No Gandhi quotes or pics of kittens or flowers, please.

New twist

MS fatigue is the shits. I can manage a Monday to Friday 8-4 or 9-5 grind with medication and financial motivation, but it seems now that since I have no reason to get up in the morning my sleep works like this:

Week One: 4 hours of sleep after 5 hours of anxiety and muscle spasms every single night.

Week Two: 12 hours of sleep on Day One, 7 hours sleep on Day Two, 4 hours sleep on Day Three, 12 hours of sleep on Day Four, 8 hours of sleep on Day Five, 4 hours of sleep on Day Six and then 12 hours sleep on Day Seven.

Believe this pattern to be unsustainable.

Habits

For the past two years, at some point between Friday after dinner and Sunday evening as late as 9 PM, I turn my handbag upside down to empty the contents on to the middle of the bed.

I pull out the receipts for shredding or filing, re-sort the 20 or so items that live permanently in my purse and pack them back in their places and the weird debris that always shows up in the bottom of my bag stays on the bed.

Then I strip the bed and and change the sheets. Because clean sheets are a mitzvah. Well, I don't know if clean sheets are an actual commandment by god in any formal religion, but they are a necessary action for me in my secular world. Thou shalt have proper bedding!

***

Pillow fabric shopping was not enough motivation to get up on Saturday morning, but the Baltimore Ravens playing at 10 AM were reason enough for me to get up this morning.

***

I am completely engrossed in job hunting. I'm LinkedIn-ing, researching companies, going to staffing agencies, going to networking meetings, checking out government programs for the unemployed and considering joining a job club at the public library if one starts soon enough.

If I don't get a job in a couple of weeks I will lose my shit.

I have given up a lot of Facebook flash game time for this job search.

Fear Pt. 2

Just in case you are one of those readers speculating what could *possibly* be wrong...

I'm not pregnant.

I am not in the middle of an MS relapse.

Joe and I are still happily married.

***

My sleep is all screwed up. I do not deal well with unemployment. I've been over this before. My life is sufficiently uninteresting that it is not motivating enough to get up for. I've set up a whole bunch of appointments next week in hopes of finding a reason to get dressed.

***

Writing resumes makes me homicidal.

***

I'm going pillow fabric shopping tomorrow. That will give me a reason to put on a bra and get dressed.

Right?

Fear

I hate being reminded that my life has an entire metric that almost no one else I know has.

Future plans - chances of MS relapse = reasonable expectations

***

Life changed on Monday night. I can't go into it in public, but the nearer future of my life changed completely.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

***

I have to rewrite my resume again. Thankfully, there's still some vodka in the house.

***

This is my brain on fear when I can't say anything out loud and have to edit my thoughts.

In Thanksgiving

Why I Love My Husband

He is genuinely a good man.
He is a wickedly talented musician.
He is smart.
He is predictable.
He is silly when no one else is around.
He votes.
He is pragmatic.
He is wildly spontaneous.
He is driven.
He is hot.
He tolerates my crazy. Sometimes he even embraces it.
When I am with him I feel respected, loved and safe.

***

On this day in 2005 I got on the BC Ferries "Queen of Capilano" for the 17 minute ride to Snug Cove on Bowen Island, just off West Vancouver, BC. During that 17 minutes, Joe allowed me to make an honest man of him and enter into the legal contract of civil marriage with him.

I knew it was a good choice then. I think it was a great choice now. I am so thankful that we're together.

***

My love for you is turned all the way up to 11, baby. Happy Anniversary. It's been 7 years and I'm not itchy at all.

***

Sadly, my paternal grandmother died two years ago today. My thoughts are also with my dad and his two brothers.

I might add that it kind of sucks when a beloved family member dies on the happiest day of your life.

***

Today I am thankful for my stable health, my chosen and DNA families, the future and for having hope.

Thanksgiving Weekend

This weekend is so lame. It has brought back memories of The Best Thanksgiving Ever (aka The Carson Incident)

Due to the publication ban I can't share the details of the evening here, but suffice to say it's a pretty badass story. According to one of the participants, the story is so badass that when she tells it people thinks she made it up.

She didn't. It's all true. I don't think that I could do a night like that again. I'm eight years and an MS diagnosis older. But man, was that fun.

Also, if of my readers knows a Vancouver pothead named Boyd who was on the Seabus on Thanksgiving Saturday 2004, tell him to get in touch. A friend of mine would like to say hi and thank him for the warm welcome he gave her on her first trip to Vancouver.

Free time

As I posted today, when my boss said my job would "probably" be done by the end of the month what he *really* meant was it would "definitely be done by the end of the week".

And so it was. I got laid off at 4 PM today. My schedule for next week just opened up. I have that job interview on Tuesday. I have a new suit. Nicky is getting my hair did tomorrow morning. I am actively working a job search plan. I will apply for EI online tomorrow. That's pretty much all I can do at this point.

I feel like a big loser.

I hate going through this crap.

This is the kind of stuff that happens that drives people toward entrepreneurial pursuits, even if they are totally ill-suited for self-employment. I'm not really driven to that kind of life, but I am tired of being dicked around by other people who hold the purse-strings. Though working for yourself means that you have to be willing to work for everybody, and I don't know that it is any more stable than working for someone else.

Meh. I have vodka and lottery tickets. I'm going to hope for the best.

Wine o'clock

Except I forgot to stop and get some wine in my haste to get the FUCK AWAY from my job.

Yeah, this "temporary" job is turning out to be much more like the permanent job I had with the same guy that ended a year ago.

Good news is I completely re-wrote my resume, applied for a job listed on craigslist and got offered an interview on Monday.

The bad news is, it's with an agency, which means the job I was applying for was likely not real or already filled.

So I soldier on because there's nothing else I can do and there's no way I can stay unemployed forever if I keep putting myself out there. Right? There's just no way that can happen, right?

The more this freakshow goes on, the more and more I am considering trying for a self-employment program through EI. I doubt very much I will get one, but I have got to do something to stop having my life held hostage by exploitive employers holding "lay off" over my head day after day. That shit just ain't right.

Plan A for tomorrow: Buy Lotto Max ticket.

$50 million will purchase me a whole new set of problems.