Barf

That's what waiting makes me feel like.

Tea and crackers is all I can stomach.

Job hunting makes me feel like my entire worth as a human being is being judged. It makes me physically ill.

I have these two opportunities hanging over my head and, now that I've had two days to obsess over every word and every mannerism I displayed, I have convinced myself that I didn't get either job.

Barf.

***

BUT, my website is just a few days away from public consumption.

I'm completely unsure of myself now. I look at the people I have put on my notification mailing list and think, oooh, that person is going to judge me. That person will think this is stupid. Those people will think I'm dumb. That person will unsubscribe. That other person will wonder why I think I can do this.

I question myself every minute now, all because a pair of job interviews have got me off my game.

I hate my brain.

Setting up

I'm trying to set up a more professional work set up in my apartment. Typing from bed works great when I'm just pounding out crap for this blog, but when trying to write professionally and do things I give a shit about... well that's something different.

So I'm writing this at my actual desk, with a real and true keyboard plugged into my laptop. I'm sitting a swivel office chair and trying to take what I am doing more seriously.

This is serious, yo.

***

My phone interview went well. I should find out tomorrow if they want me to continue on in the hiring process.

My in-person interview went well. I should find out by the end of the week what the next step is.

I kind of want both jobs. One pays better than the other, the other is more interesting than the other, one has two days off a month, the other has four days off a month. Both come with three weeks vacation, neither have benefits, but one comes with a monthly transit pass.

So, we'll see. No job offer pending at this point.

***

My favourite contestant on The Voice:   Melanie

The contestant I think will win:               Terry

Most underrated:                                   Cassadee (yeah, I know...)

Most overrated:                                     Trevin

Total badass:                                         Nicholas

Joe's call on SuperBowl XLVII:             Houston v. NY Giants

My call on SuperBowl XLVII:               Denver v. NY Giants (because I LOVE sibling rivalry.)

***

Someday I'm going to have a desk that I like and is functional. Someday.

Music to my Ears

So, I'm having this symptom with my hearing. If something is too loud my ears start popping like I've just descended 20,000 feet. I will also get a shooting pain if a sound is too high; like cymbals, babies crying or laughing, and whistles.

I think I have to get this checked out, because it's been going on for a couple of months.

As a result I've been avoiding music. Since like August.

I don't like Mumford and Sons, or that guy who sings "Home", so I don't feel like I've missed any music of significance.

If I am wrong, please let me know.

***

Purple was 1-1 today. Teams I hate were 1-1 today.

I miss hockey. So very much. Too bad the NHL does NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ITS FANS.

Junior hockey, the 1978 Stanley Cup final and the 2002 Men's Olympic Ice Hockey gold medal game are just not cutting it.

I need me some Max Pacioretty, PK Subban and Carey Price. So. Very. Much.

***

I'm hungry, I have no hockey, Aaron Rodgers is losing, there's nothing good on television, and I'm tired of working on website stuff.

I should get someone to solve the hungry problem.

More progress?

FINALLY, I have an actual, sit down, in-person job interview. It happens on Tuesday afternoon.

I'm really excited about other things I am doing to improve my lot. If you're friends with me on Facebook you'll hear all about it, but I won't be sharing any of it here. I am going to try to keep my words separate.

***

I've been having an old familiar symptom. I don't know that it's related to MS, but it is DEFINITELY related to not having a job.

I get anxiety every time I leave the house. It feels like I'm doing something wrong or I'm going somewhere I shouldn't. It's crazy, I know. But I think it's related to the fact that almost every time I leave the house I have to spend money, money that I can ill afford to spend until I get a job.

It makes me think of this Cracked.com article - The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor.

Let me preface this by saying that I did not grow up poor, but I have been living by various means on my own since I was around 17 years old. I've been broke or close to broke for 20 years, with only a few months respite here and there.

"#1. You Only Spend with the Short Term in Mind" is the one thing that I have a bad habit of doing. It drives me crazy. Joe does it too. It also drives me crazy. But I think it's that mindset that causes my anxiety.

And knowing is half the battle. Or something.

***

I remain hopeful that my life changes next week, but I am not confident. This crazy job market is quickly beating me down. We'll see how it all goes.

Bonus Thanksgiving

One of the coolest things about marrying an American is getting Bonus Thanksgiving.

I love Thanksgiving and getting a turkey between Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be awesome once we start celebrating with family again.

Joe misses his Thanksgiving and considers his Bonus Thanksgiving to be in October. It's like a warm-up turkey for the November and December feasts for him.

Thanksgiving is our favourite holiday. I like it because it's secular and is generally just about getting together and eating and drinking and hanging out with people you don't get to see a lot.

This year both Thanksgiving and Bonus Thanksgiving aren't being celebrated at our house because most of our friends aren't in Vancouver any more, we don't really have the budget or the space for holding a celebration for the few friends that are still around, and to be honest... I'm so tired.

I've got a lot going on right now and NONE of it seems to be working out into a job. Well, 60% of what I am doing isn't even public yet, so I suppose I'm having unrealistic expectations about some of my efforts. I'm about a day behind schedule so I hope I can make up some time tomorrow.

So in the spirit of Bonus Thanksgiving, I am thankful for good friends, better health than could be expected, and the best husband any woman could ever ask for.

I am thankful. So thankful I am not going to give up on getting my life together.

Brain. Full.

I've been writing content for my website. I've been trying to find a job.

I sleep. I type. I send emails. I sleep. I type. I clean something. I sleep. I type. I stitch some.

I watch The Golden Girls at 1 AM. Then I sleep again.

Tomorrow I will add laundry and an evening meeting into the mix, because I'm a real wild one an' I like a wild fun.

I'm feeling 100% better about my life in recent days because I made a plan back in July, and despite losing my job and struggling more financially than I thought I would be at this point in the plan, I'm following through with it.

Barring any technical difficulties I will launch my website on December 3. Hopefully there will be a new job just around the corner. Please, please, please let there be a job right around the corner. I have big plans. I need some financial stability to keep the plan moving.

My sleeping pill is kicking in. Maybe I'll be out cold by 2:30 AM. Maybe.

Forward Ho!

So a friend of mine stayed up until 5 AM yesterday morning to build me a website.

I KNOW, right? That's just crazy of her. It's so close to perfect right now I can nearly taste it.

I'm absolutely humbled by her efforts. I'm going to have to do something awesome for her.

I'm writing a manifesto. It is hard on my brain.

I have to schedule some time this week to get Joe to photograph all the completed x-stitch projects I've done this month.

I do not have enough energy to finish everything on my list this week, but with the help of a lot of tea and OTC caffeine pills I should come close to clearing the list. This is the part of MS that drives me crazy; trying to medicate myself through my day so I can have something close to a normal life.

***

Movember cannot be over soon enough. Creepy 70s-porn-star looking weirdos are creepy.

And Aaron Rodgers... that's just a bad look for him.

No good NFL football until 5PM so I'm going to get shit done while watching murder on TV. (Watching "murder" is Joe's term for the true crime programming I like to watch).

***

MOAR TEA! MOAR PILLS!

Incapable

I don't know how to do a lot of stuff.

I have a mental picture of *exactly* how I want the organizing/checklist/homekeeping website/blog to look and how all the other marketing and business collateral will look to complement it but I just do not possess the tools and skills in order to make it real.

I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to hire someone.
That means that I can't do anything but write plans and pretend that things are going to go as planned and pretend that I'll have a job in time to keep the plan on schedule.

I'm losing hope.

The Beginning

A  couple of days ago I did one of those memes that go around Facebook from time to time.

“Justin gave me the age 25. These are the three things that aren't really secrets, but not many people know about them.

I was dating a crack-head con-man who went to jail for stealing our neighbour's car, stealing our roommate's credit card, defrauding several department stores and double-doctoring.I wanted desperately to believe that god would save my life.I was on welfare.

Comment and I'll give you a year to share three secrets about.”

A couple of friends were very surprised about the second entry. Given what they know about me now their surprise is natural. But me at 25 and me over 30 (when I met both these friends) were two different people. I think further explanation is in order.

When I was 25 I wanted desperately to believe that god would save my life. That was 1999. A year later, things were different.

I don’t remember exactly what day it was, but it happened mid to late 2000. My “boyfriend” had just been sentenced to 28 months in prison for a string of charges related to his interest in taking other people’s property and using them to purchase illegal drugs.

At the time I was convinced that I had been damaged beyond redemption from several years of alcohol and drug abuse. I was a non-meeting-attending member of a 12-step “fellowship” where I was being told that if I could just “get the program” and “develop a relationship with the god of my understanding” I would be happy and my relationships would be good.

Even in typing that I feel like an idiot.

So what I was doing was a lot self-help using writing and getting peer support from a few self-identified substance abusers and trying to keep up a solo neo-pagan religious practice while in a relationship with a status obsessed, drug abusing, Jewish convert who thought I was worshipping the devil and telling too much of our business to my friends.

The crazier our relationship got the more I kept praying that god would just end the insanity. I would pray and light candles and cast spells and lay down on the floor in the fetal position and just cry, waiting for god to fix this fucking *thing* and make it right.

The only thing that I knew for sure was you have to believe that EVERYTHING is god’s will or NOTHING is god’s will... you don’t get to pick and choose. People who chose and picked the will of god were not being intellectually honest about what god could do in their lives. (The irony of that statement is not lost on me, by the way.) If life was still crazy it must be because I didn’t believe enough or god wanted me to learn something or maybe god thought that this was the best I could ever do.

I didn’t believe that god would save my life. I wanted to believe that god would save my life. I wanted that more than anything and I would do whatever the believers in my life told me to do to get god to do that. So I continued praying. I continued writing. I continued lighting candles and casting spells, consulting cards and casting rune stones. Every night I ended up in the fetal position on the floor in tears. Clearly I was doing something wrong.

But on that day shortly after I insured that my crazy boyfriend was settled into the minimum-security correctional institution where he was to serve one-third of his sentence before being considered for day parole. I had shipped him some of his stuff and visited him enough times to convince him that he should not “escape” from prison and just do his time, I made one decision.

I decided to stop seeking god.

I wrote the crackhead boyfriend a “Dear John” letter.
I convinced the person I was living with to tell him I had moved out and lied to him about where I was living.
I moved to another town.
I cut all my hair off, I bought a suit and a pair of heels and I went and landed an interesting job.

Months later I realized that my life got better the minute after I stopped praying for god to fix my life and made a decision to actually do something. From that day forward I started questioning the idea of god.

I would not utter the word Atheist for another two years but this was the beginning.

Damn You Galen Weston!

I told Joe that I wanted these. He bought them for me. I was excited. They have been advertising them more often on Canadian TV this weekend than Barack Obama approved that message a week ago on US TV. I'm no foodie and Galen makes some pretty fine products.

There are ten in the box. They come to you frozen with the instruction to thaw in the fridge for 25 to 30 minutes on a serving plate before "serving". (I guess they're an h'ors d'oeuvres, or something) Consume within 48 hours of thawing.

Joe hates cheesecake and I am NOT eating 10 cheesecake lollipops in two days. I've had them for two days, I've eaten three. I've taken them out one at a time and let them thaw on a sandwich plate in the fridge. This is what they actually look like.

So here's my review.

They're okay. More sugary than anything.

The toffee is not very salty.
The crunchiness isn't uniform; the toffee bits that have been enveloped by the chocolate coating that attaches it to the ball of cheesecake are sticky and chewy, which is disappointing.
The cheesecake is really sweet and not very cream cheesy.

Will I buy them again? Probably not.
Would I eat one if I was offered one at a party or something? Sure, but only one.

The idea of putting cheesecake on a stick is not a bad one, but the cake could have been better and the topping better prepared.

Sorry Galen.

Because they care?

The MS Society of Canada’s mission is to ‘be a leader in finding a cure for MS and enabling those affected by MS to enhance their quality of life.’

We want to hear from you! This fall, the MS Society of Canada is launching The Listening to People affected by MS initiative. The nation-wide survey will be available on November 22, 2012.

More information on the MSSC's patient survey can be found here.

What is the Listening to People affected by MS initiative?

This initiative is a multi-pronged evaluation which has the single purpose of hearing from Canadians affected by MS about their quality of life priorities, needs, and barriers so that the MS Society of Canada can better inform decisions that relate to our programs, services and advocacy.

I'm interested in taking part in this if only to point out that more work and advocacy needs to be done around employment and NOT HAVING HEALTHCARE TEAM MEMBERS DISCOURAGE WELL PEOPLE FROM WORKING.

(I'm screaming on the inside.)

This survey is only open to Canadians, but when I answer it I will note the questions and post them up here for my US, UK and Australian readers (I have Google Analytics) to consider, or answer in the comments, or answer and send to your local MS agency.

I suspect that nothing will change if what we collectively end up wanting is too expensive, but hey... if you don't ask you'll never receive.

***

Am I the only one who wants to head out to Great Canadian Superstore to see if they can land a box of those President's Choice Cheesecake Lollipops *right now*?

DAMN YOU GALEN WESTON!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Facts

I'm a member of Team No-Babies but...



I still don't have a job.
I have a better idea of what to do.
I can still walk and see.
I have an internets full of dancing babies.

Good day.

Filling space

I have been trying to write and I've been trying to plan the next year and I've been trying to write a business plan and I've been trying to find a job.

And I've been trying to finish a commissioned x-stitch project, sort all the information I got at the organizer's conference and figure out how to stay well.

Staying up until 3:30 AM watching Republicans' heads explode and then getting up at 8:30 AM for no other reason than Joe turned on the bedroom light probably was not the best way to help me say well.

Meh, as long as I only do shit like that once every four years I guess it is okay.

I also need to use my time management skills to break these things out into smaller more manageable pieces.

I also need to stop engaging wilfully ignorant white men about "women's issues" on the internet. That would be a much better use of my time. I know this.

I totally know this.

I'm Sorry, Little Girl.

Thankfully it will all be over tomorrow.

Progress

I spent from Thursday to Saturday with a couple hundred professional organizers.

I am kind of excited about the idea of joining them.

I'm starting a blog on organizing in the next month or so and will launch a business in the spring.

This is how it is supposed to be, I think.

I got some pretty cool swag, met some interesting people and I'm looking forward to next year's conference.

But I'm more excited about the ideas I got, the direction I was offered and the possibilities of where I could go with this.

I'm pretty excited but I can't say too much yet.

Stuff that's got me thinking

1. I was told the other day that my biggest barrier to employment was that I was too awesome. For serious.
2. What would/do I consider success?
3. I need to make some time to change all my passwords to 14 characters or longer, including numbers and special characters (if allowed). When will I make that time?
4. I love The Container Store and they have no plans to expand to Canada at this time and that makes me sad.
5. Self-employment, even part-time hours and part-time income, is looking and sounding better and better.
6. I might have to learn to like people more than I do in order to be successful in business, even part-time.
7. "Everyone's a libertarian until their state is under 10 feet of water."
8. I wonder if I could convince Joe to change our last name to something cooler?
9. If it weren't for the internet my life would be totally different. I would not live in Vancouver, I would not be married to the person I am married to and would not have spoken to anyone I have spoken to (other than my mum and my sister) in the past two months.
10. I forget where I was going with this. I wonder if that is a problem like my word choice cognitive problem?