*head*smash* *head*smash* *head*smash* *head*smash* *head*smash*

I have had a day of days.

I found out so many things about my boss today that I am unsure if I can keep working for him.

He does not understand the difference between "profit" and "cash flow". He takes his "profits" every month, leaving almost nothing to run the business with. He budgets for a company that routinely bills $30K a month on a "day-to-day, sometimes week-to-week" basis. He can't believe that you would save money you made in July to pay bills in December. He is running this business like a crazy person.

If he needs more money, he arranges to lease the tools and hire another person, having NO consideration for something called "debt-to-income ratio".

NO WONDER he can't afford to hire me on a part-time basis.

This is what you get when you start a business without a business plan.

This is what I get when I don't listen to the man who says "You're too professional to work for me."

I Disabled My Highly Personal Facebook Profile

My "professional" profile is still up, and it's so boring that I am not interested in being on it. So, the bathroom is now super clean.

I disabled my personal profile for a few reasons:

1. The US Government shutdown. Not my country, yet I was fighting really hard to not get sucked into the negativity and refuting misinformation. Also finding out that my friends are friends of/related to hateful sociopaths who would rather die or go bankrupt than buy health insurance "from the government" was really upsetting. I can't just ignore that shit if I see it. So it was time to "shut the whole thing down".
2. Clicky games. Jumpin' Jeebus on a pogo stick, the clicky games. And I don't even "farm" (anymore).
3. I'm trying to make some personal changes in my life that go with the professional changes I will be making next week. I have to learn to be more mindful of the way the people in my life use social media, and I have to learn to temper my speech by discerning whether or not what I am about to say will be important or useful to anyone else but me.
4. Perspective. I just need to get some.Or something. I don't know. Shutting down my personal Facebook just seemed like a good idea at the time that I had it.

So I'm hanging out on Twitter a bit more ( @LKid ) especially now that hockey season has started.

If you know my legal name, you can find my boring, professional profile on Facebook.

***

Yesterday I saw this posted:

http://www.atlasofms.org/

I realized that it had been days, but not quite a week, since I was reminded that I have MS.

I've just really gotten use to having no feeling in my fingers and toes, and that thing with my voice has stopped. I even remember telling the nurse at the urgent care last week when I went to have my sinuses checked out that I had MS, and not feeling sad, or panicked, or much of anything about it.

It was like I told them that I have hazel eyes or my favourite colour is red. It is now just one of those things about me.

Weird, huh?

Life wrap-up - Debrief - Part 2 of an Indeterminate Amount of Blog Posts

I'm only writing this today because of four people. Well, six if you include my parents who got it on just shy of 40 years ago leading to my birth 40 weeks later, but I digress.

I'm here today because I once had a best friend. A best friend who needed my help, and she said she would help me.

I'm here today because I flirted with a man on the internet and I wanted to find out if the online attraction worked out in real life.

***

On September 20, 2003 I got on an airplane. I had a few thousand dollars, a one-way ticket on a now-defunct airline that offered the aviation equivalent of Greyhound, and I had hope that something would be different.

My best friend and I would stop speaking the following March, and would not see each other again for five years. 

I'm here today because an ex-partner let me move in with him after we broke up because he realized that we didn't break up because we couldn't live together, and having someone splitting the rent and bills with was better than going it alone.

The online flirtation turned into a 15 month on-again, off-again, something or other. It ended with me screaming "Lose my number, pretend that I am dead." into the phone on Boxing Day afternoon, 2004.

10 months after that fateful bubble bath of rage and fury, I would marry a man I met online just days before that break-up telephone conversation. 

I didn't know that then. I didn't know that man's last name then. In that moment, I didn't know if I would ever speak to him again.

I would leave my ex-partner's apartment to move in with my spouse; just three doors down.

I'm here today because I met a man and the only way we could be together was to get married.

***

Ten years ago today I spent my first day in BC. Breakfast and coffee in North Vancouver. We visited 29th and a Half beach in West Vancouver because I had never seen the ocean, I got my first piece of beach glass there. Then we had more coffee and patio time at Bean Around the World in Ambleside. I was ridiculously dressed for West Vancouver. In hindsight, that should have been my first clue that where I had moved was not the big city I'd been hoping for. In hindsight, I am pretty sure that my "something or other" was kind of embarrassed by me. In hindsight, I was hopeful that something would be different.

***

So much has changed in ten years that I don't even recognize the person who got off that plane in 2003. I'm no longer a redhead. I no longer use $30 hair goop. I no longer wear stompy boots, or go clubbing, or drink 6 double shot lattes before 4 PM and smoke a pack a day.

***

As terrible as my first year in BC was, and as not quite as terrible as my last year was, I'm glad I did it. I'm glad I got on that plane. I'm glad that I loved two people enough to trust them, even if that trust ended up being a little misguided. I'm glad that I went to Bowen Island. I'm glad that I went to the parties, clubs, and The Cambie. I'm glad that I dressed ridiculously for West Vancouver, North Vancouver and Vancouver Vancouver. I'm glad that I bought yoga pants, and Gore-Tex fleece jackets, and learned to buy jackets with hoods and stop using umbrellas.

As much as I miss the weather, I am glad I don't live there. As much as I miss functional public transit, cheap and plentiful sushi, edible Indian food, and conveniently located amenities, I'm happy we left.

Edited to add the sentence that should have closed this post:

I miss my friends, but I'm relieved to be away from the place that never quite fit.

Deep Thoughts

I'm sitting here in my office chair at folding table in what should be my dining room if I owned a table and suite of chairs that were purpose built for the act of dining.

In what should have been the living room Joe has built himself a fortress of maths and algorithms and folding banquet tables from Target. He has gone to the library to take out three books that he will read during his two week break before the start of his fall semester.

I've got a shot of bourbon chilling with three ice cubes in a Old Fashioned glass I got from the Dollar Tree shortly after we moved in. I'm rationing the remainder of this bottle of Wild Turkey 101 because you can't get it in Canada at all, and I'm not sure my next trip to the US of longer than 48 hours is going to have the budget to replace it.

But I'm hopeful.

Except for the little desk lamp that Joe left on before he left, it's mostly dark. I am just sipping my bourbon and trying to figure out where I stand on a whole bunch of issues that have just come to light.

There's a big long story to this, wherein my boss is both the victim and the accused. I understand why it happens, but I don't think that being abused is an excuse for becoming an abuser. I'm not comfortable in my own skin anymore, mostly because I've decided what I want to do, what I should do that's right for me, and I'm being held back, waiting for more information and permission. And money.

It's always about the money.

I had a big long post here about what's going on, but it really doesn't matter in the specific. In the general, I'm really unhappy with just about everything. Everytime I have a glimmer of hope that things are going to be better, it gets trampled, postponed, cancelled, or otherwise made "not a priority" by someone in power.

I'm tired. The bourbon worked.

Goodnight.

< rant >

IT IS TOO FUCKING SUNNY ALL THE FUCKING TIME

***

Feels like thirty-five
IN LATE AUGUST. Fuck this shit.
Fuck. it. in. the. ear.

***

See what I did there?

***

I have so much to do. I have lists of things, but it's stupid hot and I hate it here and I don't really give a shit that the toilet needs scrubbing or that my business plan isn't going to edit itself or that my boss is doing fucking creepershit trying to find out if he can watch while I fuck his wife.

***

(The answer is "FUCK OFF, YOU'RE MY BOSS")

*shudder*

Thankfully he's in Europe until next Friday. Then I'm taking three days off after the long weekend to re-evaluate my life.

***

< / rant >

This time last year

Today marks the first anniversary of the last time I saw my maternal grandmother alive.

She was mostly incoherent, and at times I'm not sure she remembered who I was. She was happy most of the time. In an instant she would change to horribly angry then to weeping sadness and then back again.

My grandma, the grandma from two years before she went into the home, was awesome.

The woman who died in December 2012 was just a shell of her former self. I don't miss her. I'm glad that that woman is out of pain, no longer a victim to her failing cardiovascular system that stole her mind.

I miss my grandma, a lot. I wish I could talk to her.

I got this thing...

I don't normally ask Doctor Internet about symptoms, ESPECIALLY MS symptoms, but this has got me kind of weirded out, so I thought I would see if any of my other MSers had anything like this.

If I talk for more than about 10 minutes, just like back and forth in a normal conversation, I start straining for volume and pitch. I actually have to work to form words, and keep my voice audible. Talking becomes *exhausting* and full of effort.

Now, if you know me... talking is kind of my thing. I can talk forever. I used to never shut up.

This turn of events is kind of a big deal. It's been going on for a month or so.

Part of me wonders if it's just lack of use. I don't work very much, I don't have any friends locally, I "talk" to pretty much everyone in my life by typing to them. This also includes Joe, because he's not home a lot and when he is he's like linear algebra and C programming 24/7.

I don't really talk anymore, or at least not even half as much as I used to, and my body just isn't used to it when it happens.

The other part of me wonders if this is a new MS symptom and I'm going to be unable to walk or see or stay awake in a few weeks.

Because that's always a possibility.

***

Apparently, I'm not going to get any Adderall until I am sleeping more than 12 hours at a time.

So there goes my plans for that legal addiction.

***

I have the teensiest amount of hope that I will have a steady liveable income by the beginning of next month. But it won't be at my current job, and I'm okay with that.

Again, again, again!

Today I fucked around playing clicky games on Facebook until the reminder(s) I set up on my phone could be ignored no longer.

I want to start the habit of writing daily, one that I have stopped and started twice over the past year. It got trashed when we traveled for two weeks last August, and then again when we were in panic mode to get the fuck out of Vancouver in 6 weeks.

I think that I have found a bit of my groove here in Windsor, and I'm trying to prevent that groove from becoming a rut.

So I'm using 750words.com to track my daily writing. Some days I know I am going to type "All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy." five hundred and eleventy times. Some days I'm going to try to race myself to the 750 words and hope my typing OCD doesn't stop me.

I'm also using a book called "A Year of Writing Dangerously" that I picked up for some inspiration. I read Day 1 today, and on Sunday (and every Sunday for the next 52 weeks) I will use a prompt from the 52 prompts conveniently located in the back of the book.

This year I will finish my atheist memoir.
This year I will finish my organizing/productivity book, which is a delightful irony. I am having difficulty organizing and finishing a book on organizing and productivity. I could laugh.

I'm also using two writing tricks from Ernest Hemingway.

Stop writing while I still have an idea and flow.
Write drunk. Edit sober.

(I'm actually kidding about the last one.)

(But only a little.)

(I'll probably try it once.)

(I'll try it more than once.)

(A week.)

I also need to find a cheap motel room out by a highway that I can rent for a week and try to write a book in a week. I don't deal well with cabins in the woods, as bugs, dirt, and wildlife ain't my bag.

A cheap motel room, some handheld food (fruit, cheese, bread, protein shakes, Italian meats), a bottle of Wild Turkey, a fridge that makes ice, a vintage hi-ball glass, my teapot and my two favourite Twinings blends, three pairs of pajamas, and my laptop. Bang out 7,000 to 10,000 words a day. Use StayFocusd to keep me from fucking around playing clicky games on Facebook instead of writing.

That would be a good week.

I hope I can afford it sooner rather than later.

Hope

My crazy idea gets closer to fruition every day. I had a quick meeting with a person "prominent in the local business community" and have another one scheduled on Thursday who can help me with the stats and number crunching... and maybe some funding.

Turns out, being chronically unemployed/under-employed for about 16 months might entitle me to some startup cash... but that's not a given at this point.

I'm... trying not to be overly hopeful.

***

I've made two trips over to Detroit in the past week. This is what I know for sure:

1. Do not abandon hope for a place that has a Whole Foods, a Starbucks, and a yoga studio on the same block as a hospital and a university campus.
2. The place that created Techno cannot be bad.
3. I'm on a first name basis with a bank employee in Detroit, and she's awesome. If we ever turn our finances around, and end up in the US, she's the woman we're talking to. If you're looking for banking services in Detroit, let me refer you.
4. There is amazing architecture in the city. Architecture so well built it's solid and sound after five to twenty years of neglect.
5. Mostly the city is just empty. And this building is for sale. Practically everything is for sale.
6. This is awesome.

http://shop.detroitvseverybody.com

I'd move there if the opportunity was there. The only people who are truly getting screwed by the bankruptcy of the City of Detroit is the retirees. Otherwise the resetting of accounts is really freeing the city to find something new. It's already well on its way, as far as I can tell.

***

I'm still cranky as hell about my life. I've got a project to throw myself into, but it's just. not. moving. fast. enough.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

Have you ever had one of those lives where every choice you made is wrong, or maybe the choices you made were the least bad of all the options?

At this point, as I enter my 40th year, I am now certain that the only good and pro-active decision I have ever made was marrying my spousal unit. Every other life choice before and since has just been an exercise in failure.

***

I hate it here. I hate it more and more each and every moment that passes.

That said, I am glad I am not trying to make it in Vancouver this broke. And this broken.

Windsor seems like the kind of place where dreams come to die.

***

This whole stupid life of mine makes me want to move the hell away from here.

***

My latest obsession is moving to Detroit. It's got so much more going on than Windsor, real estate is CRAZY cheap, and there are some tech incubators, creatives, and locals who are trying to find a new place for the city in the world.

That speaks to me. For some insane reason, there seems to be more hope for Detroit being awesome than there is is any chance of Windsor being awesome.

***

I want to live in a big city again. In many ways I crave the anonymity that having half a million neighbours can bring.

***

I also hate driving, but doing it 25 days out of 40 has made it less panic inducing.

***

I just want a life worth living. One that doesn't have thrice monthly panic attacks over money and resources.

***

Too much to ask?

Annual Life Crisis

Next year, I will start calling this my Annual Midlife Crisis.

So I had a birthday. I'm 39. I'm in reasonably good health for a fat woman with MS.

I am in a financial panic, again, because my job just isn't coming close to paying the bills and it's going to be MONTHS before all that shit works itself out. Unless... I get my shit together, figure out how to get a small business loan (or Kickstarter my dream job and hope it works out), and just try to hustle more work in ways that I can't as just a person.

I've got a great deal of spare time (because I'm not working enough) and today was the first day where I actually sat and wrote. I worked on my business plan, I wrote a blog post for my real life website, I wrote a little bit about why I don't write (yeah, really), and I wrote about my day.

I think I can make more time to write.

***

The big mystery I am trying to solve in my 40th year:

WHY is it that everything I love to do, no one will pay me to do?

***

I'm not very good at making friends here. Or rather, the people I have been meeting aren't really the kind of people I want to be friends with.

If I have coffee with one more group of women who are carrying Coach bags, wearing D&G rhinestone watches, and Lucky Brand jeans, I will stab myself in the eye with a Starbucks stir stick.

***

I'd also like to meet one childfree woman who isn't out to "land a man before its too late".

***

I'd also like to meet women who know what a smartphone is. And know basic internet terms. Maybe uses the internet a little bit more than just Facebook.

***

I'm trying to start writing again to meet a goal I started about a year ago. I'm *really* behind on that goal, but I think I can make it up if I really put my "taking action" principles to it.

This blog may just become a report of what happened today, or what I'm thinking about but I am going to try to write 750 words a day that aren't for my website and aren't for my business plan. All of those 750 words might not end up on the blog, but a lot of them could.

***

I'll try to keep from boring you.

***

I had another year of waking up crying on the morning of my birthday. Full of fear and dread for the future, and sobbing because I'm now fairly certain that unless there is a polar shift in my life, I will amount to nothing.

***

SO. I. WRITE.

Clearing my Cookies

So, 2 weeks to 10 days ago I saw a sidebar ad for

UM! Brands

I am always looking for cute and useful organizing tools, so I gave them a click.

Turns out, there's absolutely nothing that I want there.

SINCE that afternoon, every time I've gone to a website, I've seen an ad for UM! Brands.

Most recently at the bottom of this page:

Seriouslyforreal.com - This Guy’s Instagram Is Just Him Photoshopped Next To Celebrities

And on ANY website that has videos as GoogleAds. And most with sidebar advertising.

It's fucking creepy. I'm being stalked by a piece of plastic that lets you stick your iPhone to the wall.

***

And then the sky opened up. 6:11 PM EDT, the rain just fell out of the sky like it couldn't get out of the sky fast enough.

It's now a gentle warm summer rain at 6:19 PM EDT.

Sometimes I wonder if I didn't move a rainforest, rather than the other way around.

Windsor is under a Level 1 Heat Advisory today and tomorrow because the Humidex is expected to feel like 40 DEGREES CELSIUS for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS.

(US Translation: 104 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT for TWO STRAIGHT DAYS)

Fuck this shit. FUCK IT RIGHT IN THE EAR

***

Oddly enough, the heat and humidity hasn't been bothering my MS symptoms too much. I've got some cognitive crap going on, and some fine motor/hand-eye coordination issues that are more like an exaggeration of symptoms I already have.

My hands are numb all the time unless I am in the deep freeze I call work. Joe can't get the bedroom cold enough with our window unit to get rid of the numbness.

***

Re:Yesterday

I had three people who don't know each other bring up Kickstarter as a funding option.

Maybe I'll give that another thought.

***

I've cleared my cache and cookies because I don't want nanosuction to be influencing my internet surfing experience.

***

I just checked the post I referenced. UM! is GONE! YAY!

Rain

The weather has been a combination of the worst parts of Vancouver and Ontario weather.

We've had temperatures in the mid 30s (with the Humidex) and torrential Pineapple Express-like downpours.

Toronto got the worst of the rain today, but for about an hour the water fell out of the sky in sheets. It was like someone was pouring an endless bucket of water on your head.

Luckily for me, I finished work a few hours before. I walked to a business seminar (more on that later) about four blocks from my house. I had to call Joe to come and get me, because even in my Vancouver-issued raincoat, that downpour was too great for me. The streets were under a couple inches of water by the time he got there.

***

I turn 39 for the first time in five days.

I also turn 39 for the last time in five days.

I'm not afraid of getting older. I'm afraid that no matter what I do, life is always going to be this hard.

***

I have a family reunion of sorts a week from this Saturday. Things have kind of sorted themselves out, and it's now going to be possible for us to attend and have some time to relax.

***

So, business seminar.

I really love my job, but he's not paying me enough for the few hours he can offer me.

I applied for a job that I really want, but I didn't hear from them today. My Magic 8-Ball says they aren't going to call until Friday. If I don't hear from them by Friday, I'm going to give up on them.

And by giving up on them, I'm going to try to do something real, concrete, and serious.

I went to a seminar on how to write a business plan. I'm going to register two businesses. I'm going to network my ass off, hustle every day, and I am going to do what I need to do to survive.

I have it all sketched out; they're the beginning notes of my business plans. There's only one thing really holding me back...

***

$$$$$

***

In a nutshell, I need to raise a not huge, but significant, amount of money to get set up and float some bills while I get working on building the business. I have no idea where this money is going to come from.

***

Thinking about it makes me feel ill.

Confined

I'm posting this from the Blogger mobile app. I'm doing that BECAUSE MY APARTMENT HAS NO INTERNET.
It's been like this for more than 2 hours.
Having figured out that my day doesn't ever start until I put a bra on (yes, I just figured that out like 4 days ago) I think I'm going to do that, then attempt to have a super-productive day.
Thankfully, almost everything I need to do online can be done on my phone.
Almost.
I hate the internet in my apartment building. As soon as I start making more money, we're getting a faster, more reliable setup.
Speaking of more money, the job I have wanted more than anything in the past three years has just been posted by a company here in Windsor. I love my current job, but it's part time/on call and that doesn't look like that's changing anytime before October. I'm not sure I can afford to keep loving my job.
AS SOON AS I GET INTERNET BACK (said loud enough for someone who can fix it to hear) I'm going to apply for that job. The worst thing that can happen is that they never call.
Right?
I'm hot and bored now.

Humidex

It is 10:00 PM. It *feels* like 35C. That's 95F. It's fucking terrible.

It's been like this for two days.

I am living in my bedroom with the window unit air conditioner, except when I want to use the internet. That can only be done from the living room, because that's where the wi-fi signal works. Internet is intensely complicated here... so long story short; we only have internet in the living room.

My vision is out of whack, I'm constantly dizzy, and I'm ANGRY ALL OF THE TIME.

Joe's cooking dinner (yes, at 10 PM.) and once I eat I'm going to take the coldest shower I can stand, put on a tshirt, and lay in bed until I fall asleep.

It's cool enough in there that I will know I can sleep.

I hate this. I hate this weather with the white hot intensity of one thousand suns.

I can't function. I can only leave the house if I am going somewhere that is climate controlled. I alternate in 20 minute spells of being in the bedroom and then trying to do something in the rest of the apartment, or being online, for 20 minutes.

It's not working well, because I can rarely do 20 minutes in the heat.

It is at times like these that I question our decision to move. This weather is TERRIBLE for people with heat sensitivity.

What's worse, my cooling devices don't really work in humidity.

I had a long, detailed rant about how much I hate everything, but I've had to stop and start this so many times that I have forgotten what it is. Suffice it to say that I am really unhappy about a lot of things, and this bullshit weather is only amplifying my distaste for life.

***

I have now eaten. I'm getting in the shower. Fuck this day. Fuck this weather.

Trigger Warning

Today, a friend posted a status update about the wrongness of a feminist infographic (like this one, though I don't know that it was the exact one he was talking about) that stated Ada Lovelace invented the computer, and Hedy Lamarr invented Bluetooth (also wi-fi).

These statements are factually untrue, yet both women made contributions toward what eventually became computers and Bluetooth (and wi-fi).

A woman, angry at feminists for being too lazy to explain the facts behind these claims, decided to make it about feminists wanting to keep up a phony narrative. Someone else argued that it was probably because the real answers were longer, and more science-y, than would fit their narrative (or their truncated infographic).

Because of this (rather dumb) shorthand, this woman decreed:

"and this is why modern feminists need to be round up and shot squarely in the forehead."

At the risk of being called "overly-sensitive" or any other bullshit derogatory you can manage to associate with being a feminist, I said something. And it started with, "fuck you."

I'm tired of invoking the threat of violence against women, and I find it particularly loathsome coming from a woman.

And the way she worded it... well, it reminded me of this:

He began his attack by entering a classroom at the university, where he separated the male and female students. After claiming that he was "fighting feminism", he shot all nine women in the room, killing six. He then moved through corridors, the cafeteria, and another classroom, specifically targeting women to shoot. Overall, he killed fourteen women and injured ten other women and four men in just under twenty minutes before turning the gun on himself.

That happened when I was 15 years old. I have called myself a feminist since that day. Women were round up and shot for being feminist, even though their only feminist "crime" was enrolling in engineering school. Almost all of the dead and injured women did not identify as feminist. They just wanted to go to school.

As I have come to read more and more feminist scholarship by white women studying intersectionality, women of colour and queer and trans* feminists, I have made it my duty in life to speak out more, to defend the label more, and to let everyone know that advocating violence against ANYONE is not cool.

I fail, a lot. There are some times, and some days, where I would love to give the Women-hating-Republican-who-knows-what's-best-for-vaginas-Of-The-Day a good swift kick in the scrotum. But I don't kick anyone. And I rarely say it out loud. And that's the best I can do, until I find some further Zen-like state. I'm not actually looking for that state, so I don't see that happening.

When I said, as politely as I could at this point, that I was not interested in associating myself with someone who advocates violence against women, she called me some names (including "screeching hole"), said that I was using her statements about violence to not face the real issue [which is feminists lie to justify their continued existence (I think?)]. Then she posted a photo of a woman with her fingers in her ears and eyes closed in the "I'm not listening" pose.

So it comes down to this.

1. I think that over-stating the achievements of women to maintain a "women are awesome" narrative is wrong. Absolutely.

2. I think that rounding up anyone and shooting them in the forehead for ANY reason, including treason and wearing Crocs, is wrong. Absolutely.

3. I think that I have a responsibility to try to be an ally to women, and I fail at it all the time when confronted by women who don't want me as an ally. Call it internalized misogyny or just being a contrarian- but whatever it is I decided that moving on is better than getting into an internet pissing match.

Feminism is a choice to recognize the full humanity of all people. Fuck gender bullshit. Fuck violence. Fuck sexual politics. Fuck rape culture. Fuck unexamined white privilege.

Fuck hate.

Ideas

Why do ALL of my great ideas require $1,000 to put into motion?

Had this great plan a week ago, now I find I don't qualify because I'm not a Ontario registered business with an HST number. And I have to sign a year contract.

I could be an Ontario registered business and go through with the plan if I had about $1,000.

I have this opportunity to become a sales consultant for products I really love but I need $150 for start up costs, and another $300 to get into some vendor fairs over the summer. Even if I don't sell a single one, the products I get in the starter kit are worth it to me.

I've been networking once a week at a cost of at least $20 per event, I think I've spent over $100 just trying to meet people who might hire me. I'm wondering now if it has been totally wasted, because I haven't had a second look from anyone, except for the people who want to sell me what they are selling.

***

I just want to make the rent, that's all.

***

It has been raining solid here all day, but here at 8:21 PM it appears that the sun is going to force its way through the clouds and provide us a sunset.

The sunset through the Ambassador Bridge is actually quite lovely if you think bridges are lovely.

***

I feel like my whole life is a made up story. I worked today, but I have a hard time wrapping my head around what this job entails. It's easy, and I get mega amounts of praise for it, and then it's challenging, and it's like "no big whup".

Bizarro world.

***

I think about the geese that live at Sears a lot.

***

I'm trying to make friends, and its hard.

Meltdown

This morning I just lost it.

Faced with a to-do list of "clean out the fridge", "pack files for office", "write blog post", and "clean out under the kitchen sink", I began to cry.

I didn't stop for 20 minutes. Even as I type this, tears are springing to my eyes.

There's so much... small town horror here. Everyone has kids. EVERYONE. And religious beliefs just get shared as fact, at business functions. And I'm supposed to take reiki-practicing reflexologists seriously at those meetups. Half the business community is terrified of the internet or the technology that goes with it. I've talked to FOUR people UNDER 50 who don't know how Facebook works.

What kind of fresh hell is this place?

***

I'm not allowed to buy furniture, even if I did have the money, because we're moving in less than 11 months, we live on the third floor, and Joe's not moving that shit. I'm living out of boxes and piles on the floor. Joe won't even hang up the three pictures that go on the wall because we're taking them down in 11 months.

I can't have anything today, because life is going to change in 10 months.

***

Ah well, that stinky crisper drawer ain't gonna clean itself.

Missing

I've known for quite some time that there's something missing from my life.

I think I know what I want to do, but as each day passes I'm certain that there's no one out there willing/able to pay me minimum wage to do it.

***

Speaking of minimum wage, my boss gave me business cards yesterday.

So I guess that's legit now.

***

I am constantly fighting the urge to Vaguebook. 

***

I'm not happy.

I'm tired of being told that it will be better next year. While it is better than it was five years ago, I feel like I've been circling the airport waiting for a place to land for half a decade. I'm almost out of gas, and I'm being told... just one more year.

***

A guy tried to kill himself by throwing himself into the Detroit River.

He didn't jump off anything.

He basically swam out from shore. The Coast Guard picked him because apparently the Detroit waterfront doesn't have a swim-up bar, and it's illegal to enter the US by swimming. 

Too bad that whole "Wet/Dry-Foot" rule doesn't apply to Canadians. Could save a whole bunch of future red tape for us.

***

Windsor is so close to Detroit that from one angle, as you look between the buildings downtown, that it appears the GM world headquarters is just a couple of blocks away. It's disorienting.

***

I listened to music today for the first time in... months. My ears have stopped hurting when the treble gets too high.

"Shuffle" decided that I needed to hear the music that reminds me of ex-boyfriends that lurks in the depths of my iTunes music listing.

***

Programmers at Apple are dicks.

***

***

This song doesn't remind me of any ex-boyfriends.

One Month

We've lived in our apartment for one month.

It's cleaner. We own a futon, three lawn chairs, two side tables, and three desk-height tables.

***

I got a job, but it doesn't pay the rent. So I'm going to have to find another job, maybe two.

***

I'm sad, all the fucking time.

I miss my friends, I miss the weather, but I don't miss Vancouver.

***

Joe and I had to pinky swear that we would not let boolean algebra destroy our marriage.

Who knew math could be the harsh mistress that ends people's relationships?

***

I haven't met anyone that is "of my people". I think it's because I'm hanging out at women's networking meetings and with truckers.

Not at the same places, mind you.

***

My MS symptoms have improved 100-fold. Not sure what that's about.

***

I finally got my thunderstorm. Actually two thunderstorms in two days. That was cool. I loved it a lot. I missed right and proper thunderstorms.

***

I bought a box of 154 freezie pops. That was probably the best investment I've ever made.

***

Still hate driving, but it looks like driving myself to work is going to be a thing I do. I've done it twice now, and it still sucks. Though I was shaking when I got home today, at least I didn't want to die.

baby steps, and all that.

***

I referred to a future trip to Milwaukee with Amy as "My Annual Ritual Cleansing".

Just so you know.

***

I'm bored a lot.

Field Report - Day 21

1. Still not a fan of the place.

2. Still hate driving.

3. Telling me that "It's a bigger city that still *feels* like a small town" is not a selling feature. I really hate small towns.

4. IT HAS BEEN THIRTY DEGREES (86F) (or close to it) FOR THREE FUCKING STRAIGHT FUCKING DAYS. IN MAY. CLIMATE CHANGE IS A HOAX, MY FUCKING ASS.

5. I got a job.

Not just any job. The first job I applied to that wasn't through an agency.

Not just any job. A job for which I am totally qualified, have an interest in doing, and will totally rock.

***

The barest of details: I will be working as the personal/executive assistant to a small business man who's business is in one of the few industries that thrives in this area.

The downside is, it's on call for the next three weeks, for a rate that's very low.

It will then shift to a steady 20 hours a week, for a rate that is only marginally higher.

IF I can help him find 5 new employees from *outside the Windsor area* including Europeans and North Americans if necessary, I will be full time two weeks after they start. We're aiming for September/October to have that completed. Hopefully with the increase in hours comes an increase in the hourly wage, but we'll see.

***

With only 20 hours dedicated to this employer I'm thinking about trying to pick up a couple of 10 hour a week contracts with local entrepreneurs that might need a little help with getting their administration in order.

That means networking. oh. yay.

***

I was promised a thunderstorm by 11 AM. They lifted the severe thunderstorm warning around 10 AM and cancelled the thunderstorm forecast about thirty minutes after that. It is now 12:45 pm, the sun is shining, there is some haze in the air, and it's getting STUPID hot again.

I WANT MY FUCKING THUNDERSTORM ALREADY.

***

Note: Cooling vests and neck wraps do not work in humidity over 60%. Or rather, they don't work well or for long in humidity. Why no one told me that as I was forking out $40 to purchase them, I have no idea.

***

I was going to apologize for the all the virtual yelling, but it turns out that I really am not sorry about that. No. No apologies.

Attitude Adjustment

5 hours ago I set to writing this blog post, then some stuff happened, and I just CLRL+A'd the whole thing and started over.

I was going to write that I hate it here. I was going to write that it just isn't the place I want to be. I was going to write a list of things that piss me off about the place.

But now I'm not going to because I have a job interview tomorrow afternoon for easily the most interesting job I've been offered in years.

It'll be really challenging. I'll have to drive a lot. I'll get to travel some. It doesn't pay very well at the start.

But I really want the job.

Badly.

So badly, I'm about to fork out $85 to a STRANGER (on the basis of a single online review, the fact that it's three blocks from my house, AND their name is UNRULY) to cut and colour my hair the morning before my interview.

Because this mop of mine is a HOT FUCKING MESS, yo.

He wrote in his email to me that I am the most qualified candidate he's had apply, and wanted to meet with me right away. (Friday afternoon of a long weekend, even.)

I want this job and I will not say anything mean about Windsor for a whole week if I get it.

***

Also, I have a neighbour who can't seem to get his/her shit together with the car alarm. The thing has gone off 7 times in 15 minutes.

I hate that neighbour.

***

We aren't going to be able to travel this weekend because of Joe's education getting, but I realized today the bonus of being around on a long weekend.

There are going to be a few walks of shame on MONDAY morning... and that will be awesome.

So looking forward to it.

Progress

I bought a martini glass to hold my loose change and a round short vase to hold my beach glass collection when I find it.

I used Google Maps to reason that if I could walk from my old apartment in Vancouver to the GhettoMall of East Van, then I could walk almost the equal distance from my current apartment to the Dollarama down the road.

Bonus points: No part of this current trip was up or down hill.

So I walked to the dollar store for cheap glassware, candy, and Mr. Freezes.

***

It rained again tonight, but still no storm. The temperature just made it into the teens (55F) today, and the grey, overcast skies reminded me of Vancouver. Perfect weather for a walk.

***

My friend Donna got married today. I saw photos on Twitter. It was lovely.

She had amazing shoes.

I hope marriage agrees with her as much as it does with me. Marriage is awesome.

***

Nothing went right today. I`ve been having problems with my phone and my computer and both of them *just* had their warranties lapse days ago. Apparently, the problem is mine, yet no one can tell me how much it will cost to fix the problem.

I hate these things.

***

I really hate today.

UPDATE

Nothing is exciting. Things are just different.

***

I took two buses today, just to find out where they go.

Bus routes in this city MAKE NO SENSE.

The first bus was *exactly* like Peterborough buses in the 1990s, with those hard painted seats, except this bus was in different colours, and it was super clean and graffiti had been *handled*. You could see where it had been scrubbed off or painted over.

Also, that first bus driver drove it like he *owned* it. Superfast!

***

The second bus was a hybrid. It was also very clean and graffiti-free.

Also, the whole front of the bus before the back door is courtesy seating. The seats adjacent to the back door are not.

***

I woke up this morning to the sound of automobile tires on wet pavement. IT RAINED! For the first time in over two weeks I saw the rain.

It was done raining by the time I got up. It looked like more rain all afternoon, but none came. Except for a little cloud burst that happened while we were in Target getting a more sturdy shower curtain; when we came out all the cars were covered in droplets, but the pavement and asphalt were dry.

But yeah, rain. 

I was promised a thunderstorm today and it never happened.

I haven't seen a right and proper thunderstorm in years. Now Ontario wants to keep me waiting.

Ontario is a jerk.

***

The closest independent coffee purveyor is over a kilometer (and just shy of a mile) from my house.

Hell, the closest chain coffee purveyor is over a mile from my house.

I live near nothing but the University and other people's apartment buildings.

And a convenience store, a guy who sells Chinese dumplings, and a dry cleaner/alterations shop. And a bong store.

The convenience store also sells bongs.

***

We have a great view of the GM headquarters in Detroit from one of our bedroom windows.

***

I hate the apartment less now that it's about 80% clean.

Please tell me I'm not the only person who wipes down her light switch and electrical outlet covers.

***

If wiping down light switch and electrical outlet covers is wrong, I don't want to be right.

***

Job hunting still sucks.

Windsor - The Town Where Everyone Asks You To Lower Your Expectations

It's like dating in my home town for fuck's sake.

I went to my first interview with a temp agency, and they told me that the average job search in Windsor is 10 to 12 MONTHS.

I don't have that kind of time, so I'm thinking about looking in Waterloo or Toronto for something permanent, while Joe stays here and does his thing.

Not that things were going any better in Vancouver, mind you, it's just that no one there asked me to aim a little lower and be happy with what I find there.

***

I don't know what this place is all about, but they have a sculpture garden full of strange shapes, penguins by a non-functioning fountain, and a family of elephants.

I will post photos at some point.

***

Avocados were FIVE for TWO DOLLARS. I'm eating avocado on fucking EVERYTHING until that price goes away.

Debrief - Part 1 of an Indeterminate Amount of Blog Posts

There's so many things that I want to say about Vancouver, but writing them down in the emotional turmoil of our quickly scheduled move seemed... unwise.

I landed in Vancouver on the evening of September 20, 2003.

I left Vancouver on the afternoon of April 25, 2013.

That's 6 months shy of 10 years. I had four apartments in that time. I dated five Vancouver-based people. I had 9 jobs; 13 if you include short-term temping. I was diagnosed with MS there. I found out who my friends were there.

Things I Totally Do Not Regret

1. Getting on that plane.
2. Dating Finn.
3. Breaking up with Finn.
4. Moving to East Van.
5. "Growing up" here, for lack of a better description.
6. Becoming friends with the women I became friends with.
7. Not getting into yoga.
8. Trying to stay in Vancouver.
9. Falling in love.
10. Deciding that Vancouver's latest rejection would be its last.

***

Maybe I missed a key developmental phase or something - but I never fell in love with the place.

As a city, it's kind of lame. No pedestrian culture and no grown-up drinking scene that isn't a plastic-coated freak-show straight out of the The Real Housewives of Vancouver (which is, shockingly, a real thing).

Everyone seem to spend their time and money trying to get away from there, either to the wilderness or Seattle. No one wants to really *live* there, it seems.

The pretty view doesn't pay the rent... and the view is only pretty when it isn't raining.

I never was smitten by the tourist brochures. I never felt a "soul" here because everything - and I mean everything but the Stanley Park cedars - seems so impermanent. It feels like nothing is established; like everything is temporary - including the people.

I said once before that Vancouver only felt like home when I was away from it. I realize now that "home" was about where my bed and my belongings were, not about the city in which those things resided. My new town will not feel like home until I get a proper bed to sleep in. Which given our financial situation, and Joe's new-found aversion to owning stuff, is going to be a long time.

I don't miss Vancouver, which isn't to say that I've fallen in love with this place either, but I really am glad I'm gone. 

***

I don't know what the future brings. My life is a blank slate as of May 1, 2013. I have an appointment with a temp agency on Wednesday morning. I am perpetually lost here and have no sense of direction unless I can figure out where the Detroit River is in relation to where I am, which is not very often. I'm going to start writing more; both this blog and my professional persona's.

***

But I do know what my past held, and I don't regret a minute of it. The two people who originally brought me to Vancouver haven't been a part of my life in 8 or 9 years at this point.

I loved them both at one time. I will always be grateful to them for being in my life exactly when they were. I would not be the person I am without them.

***

Confidential to E: You are the only person I cried over. You're the only person I still get teary-eyed about. I miss you so much.

***

I will probably return to Vancouver to visit any friends who might remain there in a year or so. I will never live there again. It turns out that I'm just not a "West Coast Person". I'm okay with that. I don't know that I am a "Southern Ontario Person", but I'm okay with that too.

Almost

I'm in my husband's childhood bedroom sweating to death.

It's not supposed to be 25C (78F) in April, or May, so I am completely unprepared for this shit.

I will post some photos up on FB, but this is mostly what I can share about this trip.

1) Leaving 10 hours late is not something that can be made up the next day, or even the day after that. We were only planning on driving 10-12 hours a day, so finally on Day 3 Joe accepted that we had just lost a day.

2) When Joe was considering the distances we would travel in those 10-12 hours per day, he did not consider things like: stopping to pee, to eat, or to get gas.

3) The Motel 6 in Spokane, Washington does not provide shampoo, or soap, but you can buy them from the vending machine for a dollar.

4) Way to Go Washington State, Minnesota, and Illinois on your kickass windfarms!

5) I had so much of enough of Montana before we were half way to the Continental Divide.

6) 9 out of 10 I-90 exits in Montana have signs that say "No Services". That means there is no gas station, restaurant, or motel in the vicinity.

7) 1 out of 10 I-90 exits in Montana have a gas station, a restaurant, a motel, and five casinos. The gas station, the restaurant, and the motel will each have one, and there will be two free-standing casinos just off the parking lots of these three enterprises.

8) Same goes for Wyoming.

9) And South Dakota.

10) Probably the single most unattractive photo of me ever taken was snapped with Joe at Mount Rushmore. I deleted it.

11) Mount Rushmore was smaller than we both thought it was.

12) That's not to say it is small feat, just that it was smaller than we thought it would be as it related to the size of the rock face it's carved in.

13) Three out of three HOG members agree, Crazy Horse was better. We didn't go to see Crazy Horse. We didn't go because that shit is FAR from anything close to civilization. Unless you count the crazy tourist trappings of a place that only exists due to its proximity to a national monument as civilization.

(Think Niagara Falls, except at the bottom of a very, very, steep hill.)

14) I made it through eastern Washington, Montana, Wyoming, AND South Dakota without a single invitation to join a militia.

15) A medium beverage in the US is a Canadian large. Joe and I forget this ALL THE TIME.

16) OMG! 20oz Cherry Cokes 2 for $2.50! OMG! OMG! OMG!

17) The Flying J in Wisconsin is the best Flying J of all the Flying Js we visited. You could tell by the flower arrangements in the ladies room that they were clearly going the extra mile.

18) This may be due to the fact that Wisconsin is, as it stands, an awesome place.

19) Boca Chica in Minneapolis serves the BEST Patron tequila margarita ever. Food's pretty good too.

20) Beefaroo is one of the things that makes America great- along with Baconalia at Denny's, camoflage meshback trucker caps that say "Hard Core Carnivore", and 30 oz. of Cherry Coke for $1.

21) I am eating nothing but vegetables, fruit, oat bran, and greek yogurt for a month after this trip.

22) Nine states in five days is not something I'd advise, but I don't regret it at all.

More about our destination, when we finally get to it.

This.

So much this.

***

I believe my husband has grossly underestimated the amount of shit we own. I think we're full, and he hasn't even started packing his clothes yet.

He has a lot of clothes.

***

I am so tired. But margaritas at 4:30 pm might not be helping that.

***

I will not buy a home in an neighbourhood that has a shortened name, just in case it's "DoWiSeTrePla".

***

I'm not ready to talk about how much I am going to miss my friends.

The Big Reveal - One Year MS Clinic follow-up

1. My brain is still there.
2. MRI comparison between September 2010 and April 2013 is stable; no new lesions visible, brain mass remains unchanged.
3. Improvement noted in gross motor skills on my left side, though some deficits continue with my small motor skills on the left side.
4. No change in left side weakness.
5. No change in spasticity in my legs.
6. Improvement noted in nerve sensitivity in my hands and feet.

My neuro gave me a list of six (6) recommendations for my next year with MS.

These suggestions are based on the known best practices for people with MS and based on the findings presented last weekend at a conference of MS research academics. I think you will be surprised by some of them.

1. A multi-vitamin daily.
2. RDI levels of Omega-3 (animal based, not veggie derived) daily.
3. 1000 IU of vitamin D daily.
4. Mediterranean diet at least 5 days a week, 50 weeks of the year.
5. AT LEAST (bold AND underlined) 15 minutes of exercise - cardio activity - every day.
6. Get back on Copaxone until I can afford Tecfidera.

EDIT, 1:57 PM: I missed this part of my notes... My neuro did some balance testing and recommended I get a bike. A REAL BIKE, with just two wheels.

Thus ended The 2013 State of The Brain Address, with a hug and best wishes.

Of the few things I will miss about British Columbia, my neurologist is one of them. She's been amazing and awesome and I am so fortunate to have been a patient of hers. She will be taking some new patients at the MS Clinic. If you want to change, or you're looking for a new MS specialist neurologist in Vancouver, BC, I could totally hook you up).

So, it's nice to know that my disease seems to having taken another year off. It's been four years since I was diagnosed, so we'll see what happens in this next year.

Political

Fuck Justin Trudeau, and fuck the Liberal Party of Canada.

For the first time in my voting eligibility, I won't be voting at all in 2015. I can't bring myself to vote for any of the other parties, because I'm not a socialist, an asshole, or a conservative in environmentalists' clothing.

I don't live in Quebec, so I couldn't vote separatist even if I wanted to. Which I don't.

So I'm done. No more politics for me until JT crashes and burns in two years.

***

I'm getting closer to packed.

Due to some changes in the situation, it looks like we might not get out of here until Tuesday, April 23. If so, that will get us to Mount Rushmore on Joe's birthday.

Yeah, we're going to South Fucking Dakota. 

Go. Us.

***

I'm at the point now where I just want this shit over. I want the car bought, the shit packed, and my time in Vancouver done.

This is how my brain works

Where I work has rental apartment that's under renovation now that it is vacant.

My boss hired a guy to come over and refinish the 100 year old oak floors.

My boss said to the Floor Man,

"We need to replace a few boards from that window to that wall."

Since Tuesday, this song has been stuck in my head.

Yes. Really. This is the song in my head.

You can shut it down after about 3 seconds.

In fact, I insist that you shut it down after no more than five seconds.

Supercranky

So the woman I was teaching to do my job quit today. Turns out, she's over half way through her training to be a certified general accountant and has never worked as an assistant before.

Why he chose her, I have no idea.

Actually, I do... but that's not something I can explain in a public blog post.

Anyway, in 6.5 days (maybe less, because if I can get in to see my GP on Friday, I'm going to take the day) it's no longer my problem.

If he can't find someone to fill the job for long enough after I leave, that ain't my problem.

***

This job is killing my will to live. I have so much to do, but I come home every day just vibrating in rage and disgust that I end up sitting with my laptop in bed making lists of shit that needs to be done before we leave.

And watching The Daily Show and Colbert at 9 PM because I can thanks to Time Shift.

***

If you have depression or a history or depression, READ THIS!

Really...

That moment when you realize that the person you're training to replace exaggerated their experience, skills, and capabilities.

In a week and a half this will not be my problem.

Hell, I'm pretty sure it's not my problem now.

***

Unless I can have Adderall and Valium to manage my days and nights until I stop hating my life, then I'll stay.

Um, whut?

Annette Funicello died today.

"Her family told Extra that Funicello passed away from complications of her illness, and they were by her side when she was taken off life support. Funicello had been in an MS coma for years."

What in the flying fucking fuck is an "MS coma"?

I've had MS for almost five years, I HAVE NEVER, EVER, EVAH, heard that this was a thing.

How is this a thing?

Why did no one tell me it is a thing?

***

***

My temp job gets easier but vastly more irritating as of tomorrow.

***

Barring something unforeseen happening, two weeks from right now I will be sleeping in a hotel in the Greater Missoula, Montana Area on the way to Ontario.

I have never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.

Telefon Sex

And remember, like with declension, you don't have to make a difference, and I telefonsex loved it so much more organized!

Here is my webpage; Telefon Sex (link removed)

This is the spam I got the other day as a comment on my blog post.

I am baffled as to its meaning.

***

A year ago I was up to no good in Milwaukee, WI.

I want to do it again, but I doubt I will get a chance before summer.

EVERYONE should get up to no good in Milwaukee at some point in their lifetime. It should be in the top 10 of your bucket list.

***

OTTER!

BRAINZ! An Update

I had my 6th or 7th MRI since November 2008 today.

No contrast makes me happy. I don't like nursing an IV hole for three days.

My neurologist will give me The State of the Brain Address, as she does every year, on April 18.

My hope is she does not insist on referring me to the closest MS clinic to where I am moving. London, ON is two hours from where I'll be living and is NOT convenient. I would like a local neuro, and I'll get a referral to a clinic when we move closer to one.

***

One year ago I was flying to Chicago. I listened to Katy Perry all fucking day to celebrate.

***

I hope that dinner and some caffeine cures this tired I have. I have an art show to go to in a couple of hours.

Boredom causes fatigue

Brain numbing boredom had me just about falling asleep in my chair at work this afternoon.

I realized I forgot to have a caffeinated beverage at lunch, so that's why I didn't make it I think. If I miss that, the fatigue chases me from 2 PM to 5 PM.

If you have fatigue, specifically MS fatigue or other fatigue, what do you do to make it through the day?

I haven't found a whole lot of insight into this because most of the people I've found online who blog about MS or share information about having MS don't hold down a 9 to 5 at somebody's office.

Again, I'm reminded of why I kept this blog going... there aren't a lot of people out in the blogosphere who bring home the bacon.

Mmmm, bacon.

Do you know any MS bloggers who have jobs outside of their homes? If you do, post their url in the comments.

I want to know them.

A Day

Today I took a day because I was tired.

It means that I won't get paid for today, but I think it was worth it to stay home. I can't afford to have this job kill me before I move.

I'm pretty sure that my boss doesn't care if he kills me, but hey...

I can take a day away from him, and what's he going to do, fire me? He already knows I'm leaving.

Had our first viewer of our apartment today. She didn't even look in the bedroom. I'm guessing she's not interested.

We've been warned that the weekend could be busy for people coming by. Oh... yay...

Nothing, not even vanilla, covers up the smell of vinegar. And according to my husband, vanilla makes vinegar smell worse.

Home

"Oh, so you're going back home!"

I've heard this a lot lately. We're moving back to Ontario, yes. And I guess if the province that issued your birth certificate is home, then yes, I am moving back there.

I'm moving to a place I've never really been. It's a place I've driven through a couple of times on my way somewhere else. Our time there could be a short as 12 months. It does not feel like I am going home.

The last two times I visited the town I was born and raised, it didn't feel like home either. I haven't lived there at all in 13 years. I haven't lived close to it in almost 10. Just because I will be close enough to visit more regularly doesn't make it feel any more like home.

I rarely refer to my parent's house as "home", even though they still live in the house they brought me home from the hospital to. I haven't lived there in almost 25 years. I've been gone a decade more than the total amount of time that I live there, just about. It's not just not home.

I don't think we'll stay where we are going for much longer than 18 months unless there's an amazing offer for Joe at the end of his schooling. So I don't think it will end up feeling like home either.

Vancouver used to feel like home, but only when I wasn't here. When I was visiting somewhere else, it was the place I wanted to get "home" to. But when I was here, it felt like the place I rented an apartment.

With every employer that never called us back, and with every interview that ended in rejection, it started to feel like the place that didn't want us.

With every report about real estate that we would never afford, lifestyle choices we didn't want, activities we weren't interested in, and neighbourhoods being gentrified into major label blandness, it became a place we didn't want to be.

But what I do know is that my home is with my love. It's not a building, or a city, or a country. It's with him. And given how we've made it through some amazing things, home is going to continue to be with him.

This Is The Voice

This woman tried out for The Voice, a country singer from Nashville, TN, who claimed to have MS.

I HATE PEOPLE WITH MS WHO CAN WEAR HIGH HEELS!

There, I said it.

I find people with MS who wear heels to be smug show-offs.

It's all like "Heeeey, lookit meee! I'm awesomely walking around in my high heeeeeels all awesomer than yoooooo."

I.
Miss.
Lovely.
Shoes.
So.
Much.

MS fucking sucks.

An Inventory

(Cross-posted from our Facebook event - SAY GOODBYE! TAKE OUR STUFF!)

Three weeks until we say goodbye and you take our stuff!

Some items that will be available:

Ikea kitchen table with 3 chairs
7.5 year old futon with black metal frame
Joe's desk
My desk
Two plain ol' standard tube tvs
An LCD monitor - c. 2008
OMG Books (no fiction)
OMG Notebooks (all unused)
OMG Resusable shopping bags and shopping totes
Craft supplies - some fabric. Some cross-stitching cloth, sewing notions, shinies, glitter, etc.
A bag full of random things - there some blowing bubbles, a monk with a cellphone drinking a latte, a pride flag, shell casings, random stickers, a devil ducky, post-it notes, some pens, buttons, a voodoo doll... yanoo, random stuff

An industrial rack Joe uses as a tv stand
An old desk I use as a tv stand
Black wooden coffee table
Small boxes and baskets used to store things ( I think there are 15 of them as of right now)
General kitchen stuff, including coffee maker, toaster, and kettle
Set of four martini glasses
Set of beach appropriate margarita glasses (Non-BPA plastic)
Set of inexpensive stemmed wine glasses
Shot glass
Martini shaker
queen sized bed - mattress wrapped in anti-bedbug cover, boxspring still in factory sealed plastic
two different book cases
six drawer dresser
four drawers - narrow and made out of wicker

PLUS SO MUCH MORE!

If you're in the market for something not listed here, let me know. We might have one we can put your name on!

***

If you want to come to SAY GOODBYE! TAKE OUR STUFF!, and you live in Vancouver, and you know me, or someone I know, hit me up on FB or leave me a comment and I'll make sure you get an invite.

Almost Over

We gave notice on our apartment a few hours ago.

I'm so excited to be leaving. SO EXCITED to be leaving.

One year ago today I lost my job with The Man. I have been unable to find a job since.

I think that's a sign that it's time to leave. There's no hope for us here.

Though I'm not sure if I am excited about where I am going or relieved to be leaving where I am.

Today is playing out much as I thought I would - laundry, packing, clean sheets, towels are heading into the dryer in like five minutes.

The only side trip today was an outing to the Coinstar machine, where our three years of pennies, dimes and nickles added up to $30.48 (which ended up being $30.50 because there are no pennies any more). I then lost that $0.02 when I bought an X-Tra Large Froster at Mac's and Joe bought two Two-Bite Brownies for $4.23 (which ended up being $4.25 because there are no pennies any more).

Hockey's on the laptop, it was gorgeous outside, I'm going to talk my husband into doing something about dinner, and then I will continue going through my craft supplies, trying to get what I need down to one box.

I'm STILL trying to make the one box work.

A good Friday

I got a lot done this Good Friday. I cleaned out the front closet leaving only what we will need to use for the rest of our time here (laundry soap, vacuum, broom, mop, dust brush) , the coats I am moving, and the coats the Joe needs to decide about. I vacuumed the floor of the closet and cleaned the top shelf. I cleaned out the four drawers I use as a bedside table. I cleaned out my hanging folder file drawer full of x-stitch patterns and cloth. I had this wild and crazy idea that I could move to Ontario with just one banker's box of craft supplies, but that is quickly going to become a funny idea I had once and had to reject in the face of reality.

Had some good new today as it relates to our move. I already feel less stress because of this news, but it certainly doesn't solve every problem, that's for sure.

Tomorrow we give notice on our apartment. I'm pretty excited about that because we both HATE THIS APARTMENT. It's ugly and small and hot. I can hardly wait not to live here.

Tomorrow is laundry, clean sheets, clean towels and a start on the actual packing of boxes.

I moved to British Columbia with two suitcases and nine boxes.

My goal is to leave with two suitcases and five boxes.

That is not a crazy idea.

Another list

1. This:




2. This too:
   
   
   

   
   
   
3. It's official. I hate HTML. Blogger's defaults made this post into a nightmare. Trying to figure out all the tags start and end... what should have been a two minute operation ended up taking 15.
   
   
4. I move in about four and a half weeks. I'm feeling pretty good about my progress, but it does concern me that there is not one job listed on LinkedIn for the place I'm moving.
   
   NOT ONE.
   
   
5. If you want to come to my Say Goodbye! Take Our Stuff! party on April 20, hit me up on Facebook and I'll send you an invite... or remind you that I've already sent one you've forgotten to reply too.
   
   
6. I am so looking forward to getting out of Vancouver. It feels like I'm halfway there already.

Fraud

I don't know if you know this, but:

1. I have never seen a Star Wars movie.


2. I know "These are not the droids you are looking for.", "Luke, I am your father.", "Jedi mind trick",  and I know that someone loses a hand, at some point. I know these things mostly because of cultural references in movies and TV shows I have seen. Oh, and I know that Sam Jackson's light sabre is purple.


3. I have never seen a Star Trek movie. I have seen key scenes from the original series. I know what the trouble is with Tribbles, I have seen the Kirk gets it on with an alien scene, and I know "Vulcan mind meld". I know that yelling the word "KHAAANNNN" is somehow significant, as well.


4. Until two years ago I had never watched an entire episode of any version of Star Trek. I like Janeway, but Picard is going to be born on my 331st birthday, so we're awesome.


5. I love George Takei because he's fabulous and fierce. Not because he was on Star Trek.


6. I know the difference between  "Jedi mind trick" and "Vulcan mind meld" because I wanted to find out why Twitter was mad at President Barack Obama. Google knows everything.


7. I saw Doctor Who when I was in kindergarten or grade one. Polka Dot Door finished, I left the room, and when I came back there was a man in a dark room who looked like he had half turned into a cactus. He had all these spikes coming out of his face and head. It terrified me.
   
   I was almost 30 before I found out that Doctor Who wasn't in the horror genre.


8. I tried to LARP once. I ended up getting drunk at the bar across the street with the friend who brought me because someone decided that my "reason for being" wasn't proper to the story. Or something about my "progeny" not being plausible.
   
   It was a game about fucking vampires. THERE IS NOTHING PLAUSIBLE ABOUT THAT.
   
   RIP, Frank.


9. I read a Terry Pratchett book once. I don't remember a thing about it. I don't remember what it was called. I think it's possible there were some elves in it.


10. I read the four book trilogy The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to impress a guy. I don't know that it actually impressed him, but I do know that I understood many of his catch phrases and humour much better after reading it. All I remember at this point is "So long, and thanks for all the fish" and the answer to the ultimate question of life the universe and everything is 42.
    
    John, if you are reading this, yes, you were the guy I was trying to impress.
    
    No, I'm not proud of that.


11. I played a table-top, dice rolling, RPG once. It involved the apocalypse and body armour. Perhaps an earlier nuclear annihilation. I did this because...

Yanno what, I'm just going to blunt here... everything classically nerdy I have ever done was to impress a guy I liked, or because I was in the room when the guy I liked was doing something nerdy.

That's how I learned to play RISK. That's how I learned to play poker. That's how I found out about Monty Pyton. That's how I learned to follow NFL football.

Left to my own devices I nerd out over Supreme Court of Canada rulings, feminist intersectionality, economics, organizing books, productivity apps, style, current events, the NHL in general, and the Montreal Canadiens in specific.  Most of these things are particularly anti-social, but I'm fortunate to have at least a couple of them in common with my spouse. My "mindless, zone-out" activities are reading the only fiction author I like, Michael Slade, and playing Zynga/Facebook flash games.

Don't judge me.