This year can fuck off.

Someone has been doing laundry since 8AM! It's almost 5PM.

Next building has in-suite laundry. I am making sure of that.

***

That said...

I want to say I love you and thank you to my husband, Joe, and my amazing friends, Erin, Amy, Kit, Justin, and David for making 2013 less shitty because I have you in my life.

***

I'm looking forward to someone giving me a job in 2013.

I'm looking forward to making some changes to our living arrangements in 2013.

I'm looking forward to trying to get back to Wisconsin in 2013.

I'm looking forward things going better in 2013.

I'm looking forward because I am not looking back.

Stating the Obvious

***

Team Purple is in the playoffs, even though the Ravens lost, and the Steelers and Patriots won today. 1-3, but everybody is playing next week. Joe even got good news because his childhood favourites, the Bengals, won today and his most hated team since childhood, the Cowboys, were eliminated.

***

I am so excited to be rid of this year. I am giddy like a school girl.

***

I miss hockey a lot. If there isn't a resolution in the next few days, all is lost.

Steve Stamkos is still butt ugly.

So many things.

I have to do laundry tomorrow, just so I can wash the fabric I need to sew into a pillow.

I want to get this thing done by midnight on December 31, just so I can say I finished it in 2012.

***

Rage against the penis is a real thing. I have to stop reading the feminist web again, so I can forget.

***

I also need to stop watching old men cry on television when they provide commentary in WWII documentaries.

***

I don't know if I have enough time in the next two days to get all of the crafting, writing, and planning I want to do by midnight on December 31. Writing is the most difficult, crafting is the most time consuming, and planning is the most exhausting.

***

Maybe I should go to bed now?

Shaken

I wrote last night,

"My "Urvertrauen" (basic trust) in the basic goodness of existence itself is shaken. I can't read the news any more. I really don't want to be part of the human race any more. There's nothing I can do to help and nothing is going to change.

I'm not suicidal, I just want to quit the world."

Thanks Jason.

Why do I feel this way?

This, this, this, and this. And those are only the beginning.

Magic Mike

I watched Magic Mike, the epic film by acclaimed American director Steven Soderberg, on the flight from Vancouver to Toronto. Air Canada made this possible by giving each seat its own screen.

That Channing Tatum is one charming motherfucking pig.

***

I never have cash, but I got some for my trip. In doing so I finally put my hands on one of the new polymer $20 bills.

I think the Queen looks angry.

***

This morning I tucked the twenty in the waistband of my husband's boxer-briefs. He didn't even grind me.

I think I want my money back.

Home again.

Went to Ontario, gave eulogy, hung out with my parents, my sister, and my aunt, went home.

Things I learned on my flight home: 

There was a glitch with the map feature on the plane so I flew 47,736 kms in 2 hours and 40 minutes from Winnipeg to Vancouver via Berlin, Germany. Awesome supersonic plane technology I guess.

The temperature at 9,000m altitude was 20 degrees warmer than it was on the ground in Winnipeg.

Chicken and bacon quesadillas are awesome.

C.C. and Coke is awesome.

I could not find someone in my home town to be a bad influence on me, for the first time in my entire life.

So my grandma died.

I'm writing the eulogy.

I've got a four and a half hour flight to Ontario, by myself, on Friday.

Then I get to deliver the eulogy sometime after 1 PM on Saturday.

Then I get to spend two days with my family, though I am not sure where.

Then I get to check in at YYZ before 9 AM on Tuesday which will mean that I get to spend several hours on Christmas Day waiting for my Vancouver flight in YWG.

(Look that up.)

I'm exhausted. I'm sad. I think I might be dehydrated.

So I'm going to brush my teeth, get into bed, sip my first and only vodka and Coke of the day(don't knock it 'til you try it, but it is better with vanilla vodka), and hope that it puts me before midnight.

I'll try to put pixels to blank text box on Friday, but no promises.

Finally, a post about MS

Here is the nationwide survey for people with MS, their family and caregivers.

***

Four years since my diagnosis and I haven't really gotten worse. Since I stopped walking with a cane almost a year and a half ago I have had no improvement, but I haven't gotten worse. I guess I need to be grateful for small mercies.

***

I have a lifetime diagnosis of multiple sclerosis, but I do not qualify for the Disability Tax Credit (DTC). That's fine. I'm not disabled. The Canadian government offers people with disabilities the opportunity to save money for future infirmity tax-free with a Registered Disability Savings Plan (RDSP) but you can't get an RDSP unless you qualify for the DTC.

This is the single biggest tax issue I have with the Canada Revenue Agency. They don't allow people with diagnoses with probable catastrophic diseases save money without penalty for the day when they can't earn their own money.

That's the thing with MS. Today I'm able to be a taxpaying, contributing member of society and tomorrow I could be disabled for life. And because that disability isn't "intrusive" enough, I'm not a disabled person. I'm a person with a disability.

How awesome is that. :\

Funny

Google Hides Porn

"The change took effect in the U.S. only, and hasn’t yet been implemented in Canada."

 ***

Yes, that is a person completely covered in watermelons, surrounded by other watermelons.

Ours is not to reason why...
***

I have not much to say otherwise. I've been watching episodes of "Nova: The Fabric of the Cosmos".

Quantum mechanics FTW!

And I watched Apocalypse 2012, If you can't watch it on the CBC site... here it is on YouTube.

I found the thing really, really entertaining considering that all the people were interviewed over a year ago. I also became acquainted with some conspiracy theories that I had not heard of before. There's a couple of doozies, including Peter Gersten, Esq. 

"That’s right, the man plans to leap from a cliff-face over the putative Mayan apocalypse."

***

Speaking of porn... WTF is up with this?

***

When the shit doesn't go down in a week we'll have to wait another 6 to 16 years for the next apocalypse.

***

Two weeks until the end of this year. I really, really want to just sleep through the whole thing.

I have nothing to say.

I don't have any parties to go to, so I posted this song.

Not Magical

12-12-12 is the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life.

***

She gets mad and she starts to cry

She takes a swing. Man, she can't hit

She don't mean no harm

She just don't know

What else to do about it

***

So here's the breakdown on my breakdown.

I've been basically unemployed since April 1, with about 10 weeks of temp employment over three months - July, August and September. I guess a little of October too. I've had just two face-to-face interviews in that time, and I've come in second both times.

I have limited weeks remaining on my Employment Insurance claim; we're running out of income. I found out today that it's a little bit longer than we thought, but I have more weeks paid out than I have weeks left in my claim at this point.

I'm not allowed to share publicly what Joe's situation is, but suffice it to say that he's not a slacker or kicking back, relaxing. We're in full scale panic at this point.

In looking at our options we are facing some really critical decisions in the next two weeks to two months.
Some of the options are, but not limited to:

1. Selling everything we can, throwing out what we can't, packing up whatever we can carry or afford to ship to my parents house, give notice on our apartment and leave for anywhere east of here that we can find jobs.
2. Another choice after giving notice is to split up and try to find jobs in two different places and whomever is successful first decides where we land.
3. Waiting it out to find a job and if my EI claim ends, Joe quits school and we go on welfare until one or both of us can find a job.
4. Joe would have to put off a whole bunch of educational goals for at least another 16 months if that is the case.
5. He's pissed that we even have to consider that, for a whole bunch of reasons not unrelated to industry ageism.

So, I've barely stopped crying. This still isn't as bad as being told I have MS, but it's pretty damn close.

***

I have been relapse free since my initial attack in December 2008. I have 98% of the faculties I had in 2007.

I have not used a cane since September 2011.

I have not needed to use my shower seat since 2010.

I have not slept for more than 10 hours in a row since 2009.

I have not had double vision since January 2009.

MS so far has not killed me, but it has not made me stronger.

***

I will be so happy when this year is over. Or this decade. Or this century.
I'm so fucking fed up with the realities of being me, I just want to quit.

Submitted Without Comment

IKEA monkey: Stylish primate charms Toronto shoppers

These two photos accurately demonstrate the contents of my brain. Hopefully I'm back to sleep within the next 90 minutes.

***

Purple was 1-1 today. Pittsburgh had their asses handed to them and the Patriots don't play until tomorrow.

***

World Juniors start in 16 days! YAY! I don't know if I am going to stay up or wake up early to watch Canada's first game against Germany at 1:30 AM PST. I hate when the tournament is in Russia.

So there I was...

...waxed on cold & flu medications because yesterday I felt like death warmed over. 

Now I just feel like more night-time cold and flu medication. Because I can.

***

I've taken to watching 1990s episodes of Law & Order before The Golden Girls come on. It's funny to watch cops use payphones.

***

I want tacos. There are no tacos here. It's also close to 11:30 pm, so finding tacos that aren't surrounded by drunken douchebags is an impossibility.

***

"Now, you know what they say about hopes -- they're what we cling to when reality has left us nothing else." - John Malkovich - 'Twas The Night Before Christmas, Saturday Night Live, 2008

On the next one

Got my official "we're moving in a different direction" email from the person who interviewed me last Thursday.

Officially that leaves my job interview on Monday as my only real prospect for gainful employment. I'm still applying for stuff, but I am really frustrated.

My new project is going okay, I guess. I'm too afraid to check the analytics because I'll be sad and disappointed, I think.

***

Are The Who going to sing all of their CSI theme songs on the Grammy nominations?

On a related note, I only recently found out that the band that sings Pumped Up Kicks isn't the same band that sings We Are Young. I clearly don't pay attention to pop radio or watch videos very often.

Also, Adam Levine. I would love to have a highly inappropriate relationship with him for a short period of time.

*rawr*

***

I'm leaving the house tomorrow! YAY!

Project launched

If you're my Facebook friend you know that I showed my new project to the world today.

Nothing really happened after that. I got some good SEO advice. I got some Facebook likes. I've starting writing more stuff.

***

Trevin is still the most overrated on The Voice.

I still LOVE Melanie.

I still think Nicholas should win.

***

I think I've been typing for too long and too many days in a row. I barely have any feeling in my hands. I had to get Joe to take the lid off my new container of yoghurt because I couldn't grip it.

MS is an inconvenience in my life, but often it's the inconveniences that make me feel as helpless as a toddler.

Things are coming together

Website is coming together. About a day and a half until it launches.

Still no job. Second interview coming up on the in a week or so.

My muscles aren't working tonight because it is so damn hot in here I have the window open and I'm wearing shorts.

We've never turned the heat on in this apartment since we moved in two years ago. There are heated spots on the walls and floors. We're apparently directly above the hot water tank and most of the pipes to the other two floors flow through our interior walls. As a result, we don't have to turn on the heat and have like $20 a month electricity bills. Add to the natural heat from the apartment we also had the oven on to make dinner and I had a shower as hot as I can physically stand it. I am sweltering.

My English skills start failing when I get hot. My physical coordination starts to fail. Hopefully things start to cool off in here so I can get some more work done.

I'm wonky and tired. I'm not sure if this post is in English. I think I'm done here.

Barf

That's what waiting makes me feel like.

Tea and crackers is all I can stomach.

Job hunting makes me feel like my entire worth as a human being is being judged. It makes me physically ill.

I have these two opportunities hanging over my head and, now that I've had two days to obsess over every word and every mannerism I displayed, I have convinced myself that I didn't get either job.

Barf.

***

BUT, my website is just a few days away from public consumption.

I'm completely unsure of myself now. I look at the people I have put on my notification mailing list and think, oooh, that person is going to judge me. That person will think this is stupid. Those people will think I'm dumb. That person will unsubscribe. That other person will wonder why I think I can do this.

I question myself every minute now, all because a pair of job interviews have got me off my game.

I hate my brain.

Setting up

I'm trying to set up a more professional work set up in my apartment. Typing from bed works great when I'm just pounding out crap for this blog, but when trying to write professionally and do things I give a shit about... well that's something different.

So I'm writing this at my actual desk, with a real and true keyboard plugged into my laptop. I'm sitting a swivel office chair and trying to take what I am doing more seriously.

This is serious, yo.

***

My phone interview went well. I should find out tomorrow if they want me to continue on in the hiring process.

My in-person interview went well. I should find out by the end of the week what the next step is.

I kind of want both jobs. One pays better than the other, the other is more interesting than the other, one has two days off a month, the other has four days off a month. Both come with three weeks vacation, neither have benefits, but one comes with a monthly transit pass.

So, we'll see. No job offer pending at this point.

***

My favourite contestant on The Voice:   Melanie

The contestant I think will win:               Terry

Most underrated:                                   Cassadee (yeah, I know...)

Most overrated:                                     Trevin

Total badass:                                         Nicholas

Joe's call on SuperBowl XLVII:             Houston v. NY Giants

My call on SuperBowl XLVII:               Denver v. NY Giants (because I LOVE sibling rivalry.)

***

Someday I'm going to have a desk that I like and is functional. Someday.

Music to my Ears

So, I'm having this symptom with my hearing. If something is too loud my ears start popping like I've just descended 20,000 feet. I will also get a shooting pain if a sound is too high; like cymbals, babies crying or laughing, and whistles.

I think I have to get this checked out, because it's been going on for a couple of months.

As a result I've been avoiding music. Since like August.

I don't like Mumford and Sons, or that guy who sings "Home", so I don't feel like I've missed any music of significance.

If I am wrong, please let me know.

***

Purple was 1-1 today. Teams I hate were 1-1 today.

I miss hockey. So very much. Too bad the NHL does NOT GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ITS FANS.

Junior hockey, the 1978 Stanley Cup final and the 2002 Men's Olympic Ice Hockey gold medal game are just not cutting it.

I need me some Max Pacioretty, PK Subban and Carey Price. So. Very. Much.

***

I'm hungry, I have no hockey, Aaron Rodgers is losing, there's nothing good on television, and I'm tired of working on website stuff.

I should get someone to solve the hungry problem.

More progress?

FINALLY, I have an actual, sit down, in-person job interview. It happens on Tuesday afternoon.

I'm really excited about other things I am doing to improve my lot. If you're friends with me on Facebook you'll hear all about it, but I won't be sharing any of it here. I am going to try to keep my words separate.

***

I've been having an old familiar symptom. I don't know that it's related to MS, but it is DEFINITELY related to not having a job.

I get anxiety every time I leave the house. It feels like I'm doing something wrong or I'm going somewhere I shouldn't. It's crazy, I know. But I think it's related to the fact that almost every time I leave the house I have to spend money, money that I can ill afford to spend until I get a job.

It makes me think of this Cracked.com article - The 5 Stupidest Habits You Develop Growing Up Poor.

Let me preface this by saying that I did not grow up poor, but I have been living by various means on my own since I was around 17 years old. I've been broke or close to broke for 20 years, with only a few months respite here and there.

"#1. You Only Spend with the Short Term in Mind" is the one thing that I have a bad habit of doing. It drives me crazy. Joe does it too. It also drives me crazy. But I think it's that mindset that causes my anxiety.

And knowing is half the battle. Or something.

***

I remain hopeful that my life changes next week, but I am not confident. This crazy job market is quickly beating me down. We'll see how it all goes.

Bonus Thanksgiving

One of the coolest things about marrying an American is getting Bonus Thanksgiving.

I love Thanksgiving and getting a turkey between Thanksgiving and Christmas is going to be awesome once we start celebrating with family again.

Joe misses his Thanksgiving and considers his Bonus Thanksgiving to be in October. It's like a warm-up turkey for the November and December feasts for him.

Thanksgiving is our favourite holiday. I like it because it's secular and is generally just about getting together and eating and drinking and hanging out with people you don't get to see a lot.

This year both Thanksgiving and Bonus Thanksgiving aren't being celebrated at our house because most of our friends aren't in Vancouver any more, we don't really have the budget or the space for holding a celebration for the few friends that are still around, and to be honest... I'm so tired.

I've got a lot going on right now and NONE of it seems to be working out into a job. Well, 60% of what I am doing isn't even public yet, so I suppose I'm having unrealistic expectations about some of my efforts. I'm about a day behind schedule so I hope I can make up some time tomorrow.

So in the spirit of Bonus Thanksgiving, I am thankful for good friends, better health than could be expected, and the best husband any woman could ever ask for.

I am thankful. So thankful I am not going to give up on getting my life together.

Brain. Full.

I've been writing content for my website. I've been trying to find a job.

I sleep. I type. I send emails. I sleep. I type. I clean something. I sleep. I type. I stitch some.

I watch The Golden Girls at 1 AM. Then I sleep again.

Tomorrow I will add laundry and an evening meeting into the mix, because I'm a real wild one an' I like a wild fun.

I'm feeling 100% better about my life in recent days because I made a plan back in July, and despite losing my job and struggling more financially than I thought I would be at this point in the plan, I'm following through with it.

Barring any technical difficulties I will launch my website on December 3. Hopefully there will be a new job just around the corner. Please, please, please let there be a job right around the corner. I have big plans. I need some financial stability to keep the plan moving.

My sleeping pill is kicking in. Maybe I'll be out cold by 2:30 AM. Maybe.

Forward Ho!

So a friend of mine stayed up until 5 AM yesterday morning to build me a website.

I KNOW, right? That's just crazy of her. It's so close to perfect right now I can nearly taste it.

I'm absolutely humbled by her efforts. I'm going to have to do something awesome for her.

I'm writing a manifesto. It is hard on my brain.

I have to schedule some time this week to get Joe to photograph all the completed x-stitch projects I've done this month.

I do not have enough energy to finish everything on my list this week, but with the help of a lot of tea and OTC caffeine pills I should come close to clearing the list. This is the part of MS that drives me crazy; trying to medicate myself through my day so I can have something close to a normal life.

***

Movember cannot be over soon enough. Creepy 70s-porn-star looking weirdos are creepy.

And Aaron Rodgers... that's just a bad look for him.

No good NFL football until 5PM so I'm going to get shit done while watching murder on TV. (Watching "murder" is Joe's term for the true crime programming I like to watch).

***

MOAR TEA! MOAR PILLS!

Incapable

I don't know how to do a lot of stuff.

I have a mental picture of *exactly* how I want the organizing/checklist/homekeeping website/blog to look and how all the other marketing and business collateral will look to complement it but I just do not possess the tools and skills in order to make it real.

I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to hire someone.
That means that I can't do anything but write plans and pretend that things are going to go as planned and pretend that I'll have a job in time to keep the plan on schedule.

I'm losing hope.

The Beginning

A  couple of days ago I did one of those memes that go around Facebook from time to time.

“Justin gave me the age 25. These are the three things that aren't really secrets, but not many people know about them.

I was dating a crack-head con-man who went to jail for stealing our neighbour's car, stealing our roommate's credit card, defrauding several department stores and double-doctoring.I wanted desperately to believe that god would save my life.I was on welfare.

Comment and I'll give you a year to share three secrets about.”

A couple of friends were very surprised about the second entry. Given what they know about me now their surprise is natural. But me at 25 and me over 30 (when I met both these friends) were two different people. I think further explanation is in order.

When I was 25 I wanted desperately to believe that god would save my life. That was 1999. A year later, things were different.

I don’t remember exactly what day it was, but it happened mid to late 2000. My “boyfriend” had just been sentenced to 28 months in prison for a string of charges related to his interest in taking other people’s property and using them to purchase illegal drugs.

At the time I was convinced that I had been damaged beyond redemption from several years of alcohol and drug abuse. I was a non-meeting-attending member of a 12-step “fellowship” where I was being told that if I could just “get the program” and “develop a relationship with the god of my understanding” I would be happy and my relationships would be good.

Even in typing that I feel like an idiot.

So what I was doing was a lot self-help using writing and getting peer support from a few self-identified substance abusers and trying to keep up a solo neo-pagan religious practice while in a relationship with a status obsessed, drug abusing, Jewish convert who thought I was worshipping the devil and telling too much of our business to my friends.

The crazier our relationship got the more I kept praying that god would just end the insanity. I would pray and light candles and cast spells and lay down on the floor in the fetal position and just cry, waiting for god to fix this fucking *thing* and make it right.

The only thing that I knew for sure was you have to believe that EVERYTHING is god’s will or NOTHING is god’s will... you don’t get to pick and choose. People who chose and picked the will of god were not being intellectually honest about what god could do in their lives. (The irony of that statement is not lost on me, by the way.) If life was still crazy it must be because I didn’t believe enough or god wanted me to learn something or maybe god thought that this was the best I could ever do.

I didn’t believe that god would save my life. I wanted to believe that god would save my life. I wanted that more than anything and I would do whatever the believers in my life told me to do to get god to do that. So I continued praying. I continued writing. I continued lighting candles and casting spells, consulting cards and casting rune stones. Every night I ended up in the fetal position on the floor in tears. Clearly I was doing something wrong.

But on that day shortly after I insured that my crazy boyfriend was settled into the minimum-security correctional institution where he was to serve one-third of his sentence before being considered for day parole. I had shipped him some of his stuff and visited him enough times to convince him that he should not “escape” from prison and just do his time, I made one decision.

I decided to stop seeking god.

I wrote the crackhead boyfriend a “Dear John” letter.
I convinced the person I was living with to tell him I had moved out and lied to him about where I was living.
I moved to another town.
I cut all my hair off, I bought a suit and a pair of heels and I went and landed an interesting job.

Months later I realized that my life got better the minute after I stopped praying for god to fix my life and made a decision to actually do something. From that day forward I started questioning the idea of god.

I would not utter the word Atheist for another two years but this was the beginning.

Damn You Galen Weston!

I told Joe that I wanted these. He bought them for me. I was excited. They have been advertising them more often on Canadian TV this weekend than Barack Obama approved that message a week ago on US TV. I'm no foodie and Galen makes some pretty fine products.

There are ten in the box. They come to you frozen with the instruction to thaw in the fridge for 25 to 30 minutes on a serving plate before "serving". (I guess they're an h'ors d'oeuvres, or something) Consume within 48 hours of thawing.

Joe hates cheesecake and I am NOT eating 10 cheesecake lollipops in two days. I've had them for two days, I've eaten three. I've taken them out one at a time and let them thaw on a sandwich plate in the fridge. This is what they actually look like.

So here's my review.

They're okay. More sugary than anything.

The toffee is not very salty.
The crunchiness isn't uniform; the toffee bits that have been enveloped by the chocolate coating that attaches it to the ball of cheesecake are sticky and chewy, which is disappointing.
The cheesecake is really sweet and not very cream cheesy.

Will I buy them again? Probably not.
Would I eat one if I was offered one at a party or something? Sure, but only one.

The idea of putting cheesecake on a stick is not a bad one, but the cake could have been better and the topping better prepared.

Sorry Galen.

Because they care?

The MS Society of Canada’s mission is to ‘be a leader in finding a cure for MS and enabling those affected by MS to enhance their quality of life.’

We want to hear from you! This fall, the MS Society of Canada is launching The Listening to People affected by MS initiative. The nation-wide survey will be available on November 22, 2012.

More information on the MSSC's patient survey can be found here.

What is the Listening to People affected by MS initiative?

This initiative is a multi-pronged evaluation which has the single purpose of hearing from Canadians affected by MS about their quality of life priorities, needs, and barriers so that the MS Society of Canada can better inform decisions that relate to our programs, services and advocacy.

I'm interested in taking part in this if only to point out that more work and advocacy needs to be done around employment and NOT HAVING HEALTHCARE TEAM MEMBERS DISCOURAGE WELL PEOPLE FROM WORKING.

(I'm screaming on the inside.)

This survey is only open to Canadians, but when I answer it I will note the questions and post them up here for my US, UK and Australian readers (I have Google Analytics) to consider, or answer in the comments, or answer and send to your local MS agency.

I suspect that nothing will change if what we collectively end up wanting is too expensive, but hey... if you don't ask you'll never receive.

***

Am I the only one who wants to head out to Great Canadian Superstore to see if they can land a box of those President's Choice Cheesecake Lollipops *right now*?

DAMN YOU GALEN WESTON!!!! DAMN YOU TO HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!

Facts

I'm a member of Team No-Babies but...



I still don't have a job.
I have a better idea of what to do.
I can still walk and see.
I have an internets full of dancing babies.

Good day.

Filling space

I have been trying to write and I've been trying to plan the next year and I've been trying to write a business plan and I've been trying to find a job.

And I've been trying to finish a commissioned x-stitch project, sort all the information I got at the organizer's conference and figure out how to stay well.

Staying up until 3:30 AM watching Republicans' heads explode and then getting up at 8:30 AM for no other reason than Joe turned on the bedroom light probably was not the best way to help me say well.

Meh, as long as I only do shit like that once every four years I guess it is okay.

I also need to use my time management skills to break these things out into smaller more manageable pieces.

I also need to stop engaging wilfully ignorant white men about "women's issues" on the internet. That would be a much better use of my time. I know this.

I totally know this.

I'm Sorry, Little Girl.

Thankfully it will all be over tomorrow.

Progress

I spent from Thursday to Saturday with a couple hundred professional organizers.

I am kind of excited about the idea of joining them.

I'm starting a blog on organizing in the next month or so and will launch a business in the spring.

This is how it is supposed to be, I think.

I got some pretty cool swag, met some interesting people and I'm looking forward to next year's conference.

But I'm more excited about the ideas I got, the direction I was offered and the possibilities of where I could go with this.

I'm pretty excited but I can't say too much yet.

Stuff that's got me thinking

1. I was told the other day that my biggest barrier to employment was that I was too awesome. For serious.
2. What would/do I consider success?
3. I need to make some time to change all my passwords to 14 characters or longer, including numbers and special characters (if allowed). When will I make that time?
4. I love The Container Store and they have no plans to expand to Canada at this time and that makes me sad.
5. Self-employment, even part-time hours and part-time income, is looking and sounding better and better.
6. I might have to learn to like people more than I do in order to be successful in business, even part-time.
7. "Everyone's a libertarian until their state is under 10 feet of water."
8. I wonder if I could convince Joe to change our last name to something cooler?
9. If it weren't for the internet my life would be totally different. I would not live in Vancouver, I would not be married to the person I am married to and would not have spoken to anyone I have spoken to (other than my mum and my sister) in the past two months.
10. I forget where I was going with this. I wonder if that is a problem like my word choice cognitive problem?

The New Plan

is being re-drafted.

I didn't get the job that would work perfectly with the plan. Or rather, the company's strategic plan is not complete yet so they don't know if I would fit into the plan yet and they will call me if/when they have a place for me.

So the job search continues and it sucks big hairy moose cock.

I also had an unpleasant medical appointment at the hospital at 7:45 AM, I have a pounding headache and I'm starving because I haven't eaten since 6 AM.

I'm not in a good mood so I am going to consider the two job applications I made today to be enough and call it a day.

And get something to eat.

I Didn't Tell Her To Go Fuck Herself

... but I totally wanted to.

Today I was at the hospital getting some tests done to see if we're doing the right thing when it comes to treating some unpleasant symptoms that won't go away.

I went into the cafeteria and came face to face with one of the health care "professionals" from the MS Clinic. She asked me how I was doing and asked if I was still working.

I told her my employment history in two sentences including details that I had been laid off and was trying to find new employment and she looked me straight in the eye and said,

"Why didn't you just go on disability when you lost your job."

I am sure I mentally killed her with the daggers in my eyes. It took all the power I could muster not to hiss at her when I replied,

"Because I'm not disabled."

And then she got that patronizing look of amused pity and said,

"Oh...you think you can still work.

Good For You, Dear."

And she smiled the patronizing smirk of someone who thinks they know better and patted me on the arm in the "There, There." fashion.

I said, "It was nice to see you."

I turned on my heel and abandoned the idea of picking up a snack before my appointment.


I run into this A LOT, especially around people connected with the MS Clinic and the MS Society and I get it from MS patients who's disease has progressed further than mine. Fortunately I don't get it from my neurologist and family doctor. There's this thing, almost like a need for people with this disease or in this work to lower my expectations for my own life... as if I really need help with that.

Even though it took every fibre of my being not to say it...

I didn't tell them to go fuck themselves.

In Case of An Emergency

With the 7.7 Haida Gwaii earthquake and "Superstorm" Sandy barrelling down on the US east coast I'm reminded of our own 72 Hour Plan. If you don't have one, you are tempting fate. If you don't trust the government and you don't have a 72 Hour Plan you either have a death wish or are a hypocrite.

Get Prepared is an excellent place for Canadians to start. It will help you prepare for the kind of risks your area is likely to face. There are also links to the the Province of British Columbia Emergency Preparedness Program (and their helpful zombie apocalypse survival guide) and Emergency Management Ontario (which has warnings up about Hurricane Sandy) and all the other provincial and territorial programs on dealing with catastrophes.

Make your plan online

Put your emergency kit together

Or buy a ready-made kit or buy one you add your own food and water to.

For my US friends FEMA has all your disaster related information for your area of the continent.

For my UK chums there's UK Resilience (which is the most awesome government department, ever).

Know your risks. Have a plan. Buy or put together your own kit.

To my friends in Maryland, New Jersey and New York - stay safe, stay warm, stay dry.

Sorting the bits and pieces

Unemployment is really, really, bad for me.

After realizing that every single great habit I had going hinged on my requirement to be awake, dressed, out of the house and on my best behaviour by 8 AM I am trying to resort my routine for not being required to go anywhere or do much of anything.

I have a great routine and schedule, don't get me wrong. And it works *great* in making sure I am a productive member of society. But getting the motivation to get up and do things when I don't have to... that's my stumbling point. I know this.

But there is good news!

The point where I notice it's getting bad is happening sooner. I've only been off work for three weeks. I'm aware of it and am now trying to right the ship as it were.

There is probably nothing worse than a hypocritical professional organizer.

I get anxiety just thinking about personally failing at what it is I really want to do.

***

The first step to any project is to gather together everything together and then start sorting - like with like - until there is a manageable pile of tasks or items to deal with.

I have my pile.

***

If anyone knows when and where the annual Calendar Club store is setting up before xmas in Vancouver (or  SkyTrain-able Burnaby) I could use the heads up.

Thnx.

Hurry Up!

So, my Thursday coffee and conversation might turn into something. It might turn into something that fits ideally into The New Plan. It probably even fits the longer term plan.

I cannot be too confident. I do not want to be disappointed. I do not want to be hopeful.

Joe got excellent news today and so now he's even more on board with The New Plan.

Now if only the NHL lockout would be over or one of these lottery tickets pays out tonight or tomorrow night, this weekend would be the most awesome ever.

***

My NFL habit starts the weekend at 0-1. Purple lost last night to fucking Tampa. TAMPA!

***

I know exactly what to do. I just need to do it. Please let next Wednesday come quickly. That's when I find out what the outcome is of the coffee and conversation. Which hopefully will take the sting out of the unpleasantness of my two MS-related trips to hospital clinics on Monday and Wednesday morning.

***

MS has given me a body that often acts like that of 60+ woman... which I guess isn't all that surprising given that MS has given me premature ovarian failure, muscle weakness and stiff joints. I found out what it's like to have an aging body 30 years ahead of schedule.

yay...

***

I just want the days to pass. I need to get things moving forward. I am impatient when I can't act.

This might be the most harmful thing to me.

Stuck

Everything is going to be so different in six months.

But right now NOTHING is changing and all I can really do is sketch out a plan of the things I need to do so the change happens smoothly. Hopefully.

One of my phone interviews from last week turned into a "It's not us, it's you." email. Which I guess is okay because it didn't fit the plan well.

I have a phone interview tomorrow morning. I am resigned to indifference toward anything that isn't an in-person interview with the person who is empowered to hire. And even then, I am not hopeful or eager.

I have a coffee & business chat on Thursday I want to be hopeful about, but I am unsure it is the right opportunity or it will fit the plan.

I guess I'll know that on Thursday afternoon.

I'm working on starting my own business. That feels right as well as smart. I guess I'll know if that is working out by this time next year.

Until forward motion can start happening... here I am.

Not inspired

Purple was 1-1 this weekend. Minnesota won and Baltimore lost.

The four things that need to happen for a successful NFL weekend. Purple needs to win and the Patriots and Steelers need to lose. If the Steelers lose this game (Go Bengals!) then my weekend will be 2-2.

***

I miss hockey.

***

I have five x-stitch projects that just need finishing into greeting cards, fridge magnets or pillows but that's the part that sucks and isn't any fun so they're just sitting unfinished. I have the best of intentions to do that tomorrow, but I am sure that something will come up.

***

I have a spreadsheet of all the materials I have available for x-stitching. Next weekend I am making a white glitter star fridge magnet, and starting a set of 3 or four glitter backed magnets according to my spreadsheet. I have six days to think about it. 

Or not.

***

The NFL has stolen my heart. I don't follow US college football because I reject organized religion.

***

I had two phone interviews last week. I have no idea how they went. I have a job search group meeting on Tuesday, all day.

yay...

I still hate looking for a job.

***

Somebody give me some inspiration. No Gandhi quotes or pics of kittens or flowers, please.

New twist

MS fatigue is the shits. I can manage a Monday to Friday 8-4 or 9-5 grind with medication and financial motivation, but it seems now that since I have no reason to get up in the morning my sleep works like this:

Week One: 4 hours of sleep after 5 hours of anxiety and muscle spasms every single night.

Week Two: 12 hours of sleep on Day One, 7 hours sleep on Day Two, 4 hours sleep on Day Three, 12 hours of sleep on Day Four, 8 hours of sleep on Day Five, 4 hours of sleep on Day Six and then 12 hours sleep on Day Seven.

Believe this pattern to be unsustainable.

Habits

For the past two years, at some point between Friday after dinner and Sunday evening as late as 9 PM, I turn my handbag upside down to empty the contents on to the middle of the bed.

I pull out the receipts for shredding or filing, re-sort the 20 or so items that live permanently in my purse and pack them back in their places and the weird debris that always shows up in the bottom of my bag stays on the bed.

Then I strip the bed and and change the sheets. Because clean sheets are a mitzvah. Well, I don't know if clean sheets are an actual commandment by god in any formal religion, but they are a necessary action for me in my secular world. Thou shalt have proper bedding!

***

Pillow fabric shopping was not enough motivation to get up on Saturday morning, but the Baltimore Ravens playing at 10 AM were reason enough for me to get up this morning.

***

I am completely engrossed in job hunting. I'm LinkedIn-ing, researching companies, going to staffing agencies, going to networking meetings, checking out government programs for the unemployed and considering joining a job club at the public library if one starts soon enough.

If I don't get a job in a couple of weeks I will lose my shit.

I have given up a lot of Facebook flash game time for this job search.

Fear Pt. 2

Just in case you are one of those readers speculating what could *possibly* be wrong...

I'm not pregnant.

I am not in the middle of an MS relapse.

Joe and I are still happily married.

***

My sleep is all screwed up. I do not deal well with unemployment. I've been over this before. My life is sufficiently uninteresting that it is not motivating enough to get up for. I've set up a whole bunch of appointments next week in hopes of finding a reason to get dressed.

***

Writing resumes makes me homicidal.

***

I'm going pillow fabric shopping tomorrow. That will give me a reason to put on a bra and get dressed.

Right?

Fear

I hate being reminded that my life has an entire metric that almost no one else I know has.

Future plans - chances of MS relapse = reasonable expectations

***

Life changed on Monday night. I can't go into it in public, but the nearer future of my life changed completely.

I am not sure how I feel about that.

***

I have to rewrite my resume again. Thankfully, there's still some vodka in the house.

***

This is my brain on fear when I can't say anything out loud and have to edit my thoughts.

In Thanksgiving

Why I Love My Husband

He is genuinely a good man.
He is a wickedly talented musician.
He is smart.
He is predictable.
He is silly when no one else is around.
He votes.
He is pragmatic.
He is wildly spontaneous.
He is driven.
He is hot.
He tolerates my crazy. Sometimes he even embraces it.
When I am with him I feel respected, loved and safe.

***

On this day in 2005 I got on the BC Ferries "Queen of Capilano" for the 17 minute ride to Snug Cove on Bowen Island, just off West Vancouver, BC. During that 17 minutes, Joe allowed me to make an honest man of him and enter into the legal contract of civil marriage with him.

I knew it was a good choice then. I think it was a great choice now. I am so thankful that we're together.

***

My love for you is turned all the way up to 11, baby. Happy Anniversary. It's been 7 years and I'm not itchy at all.

***

Sadly, my paternal grandmother died two years ago today. My thoughts are also with my dad and his two brothers.

I might add that it kind of sucks when a beloved family member dies on the happiest day of your life.

***

Today I am thankful for my stable health, my chosen and DNA families, the future and for having hope.

Thanksgiving Weekend

This weekend is so lame. It has brought back memories of The Best Thanksgiving Ever (aka The Carson Incident)

Due to the publication ban I can't share the details of the evening here, but suffice to say it's a pretty badass story. According to one of the participants, the story is so badass that when she tells it people thinks she made it up.

She didn't. It's all true. I don't think that I could do a night like that again. I'm eight years and an MS diagnosis older. But man, was that fun.

Also, if of my readers knows a Vancouver pothead named Boyd who was on the Seabus on Thanksgiving Saturday 2004, tell him to get in touch. A friend of mine would like to say hi and thank him for the warm welcome he gave her on her first trip to Vancouver.

Free time

As I posted today, when my boss said my job would "probably" be done by the end of the month what he *really* meant was it would "definitely be done by the end of the week".

And so it was. I got laid off at 4 PM today. My schedule for next week just opened up. I have that job interview on Tuesday. I have a new suit. Nicky is getting my hair did tomorrow morning. I am actively working a job search plan. I will apply for EI online tomorrow. That's pretty much all I can do at this point.

I feel like a big loser.

I hate going through this crap.

This is the kind of stuff that happens that drives people toward entrepreneurial pursuits, even if they are totally ill-suited for self-employment. I'm not really driven to that kind of life, but I am tired of being dicked around by other people who hold the purse-strings. Though working for yourself means that you have to be willing to work for everybody, and I don't know that it is any more stable than working for someone else.

Meh. I have vodka and lottery tickets. I'm going to hope for the best.

Wine o'clock

Except I forgot to stop and get some wine in my haste to get the FUCK AWAY from my job.

Yeah, this "temporary" job is turning out to be much more like the permanent job I had with the same guy that ended a year ago.

Good news is I completely re-wrote my resume, applied for a job listed on craigslist and got offered an interview on Monday.

The bad news is, it's with an agency, which means the job I was applying for was likely not real or already filled.

So I soldier on because there's nothing else I can do and there's no way I can stay unemployed forever if I keep putting myself out there. Right? There's just no way that can happen, right?

The more this freakshow goes on, the more and more I am considering trying for a self-employment program through EI. I doubt very much I will get one, but I have got to do something to stop having my life held hostage by exploitive employers holding "lay off" over my head day after day. That shit just ain't right.

Plan A for tomorrow: Buy Lotto Max ticket.

$50 million will purchase me a whole new set of problems.

And knowing is half the battle

This is one of my favourite sites in the entire internet: http://www.good.is/

They run something called "Thirty Days of GOOD". I have done parts of 30 days of art and the 30 day digital makeover. During that last 30 days one of the attempts at living a better life was I tried was Track your time online

So I downloaded Rescue Time and for the past three weeks it sends me an email on Sunday afternoon that breaks out what I have been doing online for the past week. What I have learned is thus:

I spent 30 hours and 24 minutes online last week. I spend on average 4 hours 28 minutes a day online on my laptop at home. Of that time 65% is spent on social networking, games and shopping.

I actually feel kind of bad about this. I have no idea why I spend so much time dicking around online when I have so much to do. My house needs time an attention. My cross stitching needs time and attention. I have to find a new job. I don't want to hate my life any more and that is why I've been trying to do things differently for a while now.

But the good news about Rescue Time's emails is that I am now being more mindful about what I am doing with my time and on what page I leave my computer idling on when I leave the screen. I silently applaud myself when I realize that I didn`t turn the computer on until I needed that day, rather than turning it on and idling away my morning with Facbook, Twitter and news sites.

Being confronted with the hours I spend doing nothing but clicking flash games and waiting for my friends to say something funny/witty/insightful/offensive online has been a small revelation. Now all I need to do is decide whether the time I spend on this site is very productive, productive, neutral, distracting or very distracting.

Falling backwards

Sometimes when I crouch down to tie my shoelace or get something out of a low cupboard, I tip over backwards. It's one of the strangest MS symptoms I have.

For five days now I have had major spasticity in my legs. Right now it's the long muscle on the side/back of my right leg, yesterday it was both my calves (Which isn't that unusual. They're always a little tight, just rarely hurt.). Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday it was my left leg. It was that muscle more to the inside of my thigh, but down closer to my knee. Crazy pain, too painful to walk far, and no non-narcotic pain reliever in my house was helping at all.

As a result of this stupid MS symptom, I haven't walked for exercise since Monday, except to get to and from work. Wednesday night I had an attack of MS fatigue that was so bad I fell asleep at 5:15 PM for for a couple of hours.

I was suppose to sit down this evening and work on some writing projects I've been carrying around in my purse for two weeks, but instead I printed pages and art to personalize my project planner. I fail at getting my life together tonight. I think this week is generally full of fail.

I'm glad it's over.

Highway of Tears

Deceased U.S. convict linked to 3 B.C. cold cases

DNA of Bobby Jack Fowler linked to 1974 death of teen Colleen MacMillen

Colleen MacMillen went missing when I was not quite a month old. I can't imagine going 38 years wondering if justice was ever going to be served in the terrible death of a sister or daughter. Bobby Jack Fowler has also been linked by circumstance to two other women - Gale Weys and Pamela Darlington, both killed in 1973 — and remains a possible suspect in as many as 10 others.

The RCMP made these developments public yesterday (Tuesday) to solicit help from the public.

"We believe there are people out there who employed Fowler, worked with him, socialized with him or even waited on him while he was in British Columbia. We are asking you to think back to the 70s, 80s and 90s and your own memories of that that time period, then have a look at his photos, and please call us with any information you may have about him."

There are too many women who have been killed and far too many more who are missing. The fact that they have been able to close one of these cases, especially after so many years, is a testament to modern science's advances. I am also glad that the authorities haven't stopped working on these cases even when it has been 40 years.

Working

It has happened again. I am back in this job that nearly drove me to the edge of sanity and after two months of work it's clear that I am getting back in that rut.

I don't want that. I also don't want to stop getting paid until I find some other way to support myself.

So... serious job search starts tomorrow. I will find the job that will be perfect for me for the next 20 to 22 months before we go back east when Joe finishes school.

I will do it because I made a choice a year ago to change my life, and started putting that plan into effect the day after my birthday. I've been focusing on making healthier choices for my physical body since then, and in a couple of weeks I was going to start focusing on putting together a nice home for us. With my realization that my brain is spinning out of control I'm going to move up the career/job change I was going to put off until the new year.

***

A-Rod wuz ROBBED! But day-um that S'Hawks defence was amazing.

***

If you love me you will bid enough money to win me this. Or you could just BuyItNow for me.

Thanks.

The Best of Intentions

I have to be awake and dressed and on public transit in 9.5 hours. I need to find some sleepiness in order to do that.

Sleep and I have an adversarial relationship. On occasion we work together for the common good, but mostly Sleep is a cold and brutal tyrant who wants to drive me insane by withholding its affections and presence in my life. Not sure how its going to go tonight.

***

I've decided that I am going to be a fan of the purple NFL teams. Minnesota is my NFC team and Baltimore is my AFC team and I will now spend the remainder of the National Hockey League lockout learning everything I have ever wondered about American football.

***

"Tim Tebow's throwing arm is PROOF there is no god."

***

I had intended to make this post awesome, but I have apparently been using up all my awesome on an essay piece I've been working on for almost a week.

Sorry

1 Less than 10

Nine years ago; almost this exact moment nine years ago, I took the biggest step in changing my life forever I had ever taken. It might actually be the biggest step I HAVE ever taken.

"The flight crew would like to be the first ones to welcome you to Vancouver. The local time is 10:35pm. It is 12 degrees and foggy. Thank you for flying JetsGo."

I had just spent more than 5 hours flying the Canadian airline equivalent to riding Greyhound. I had about 1/3 of my worldly possessions with me on that flight, having sent the other 2/3 out by Greyhound over the two previous weeks.

Meeting me at the domestic baggage carousel were two people. The first was my best friend whom I had not seen in more than a year and the guy I'd met online that I had been flirting with for 6 weeks or so before deciding to pack my shit and go west.

My best friend needed me, I needed out of my old life, and the contract for my job had run out. The local prospects for employment had dried up and I needed to get the fuck out of that small town I had been forced to move to in order to keep my job after my previous relationship had broken up.

I was taking the biggest risk of my entire life. I was 29. I was single. I was without hope, limited in every respect by not only what other people thought of me but by what I thought of myself. I needed to move on and to find a way to reinvent myself.

In the time honoured tradition of 18 to 30 year-old Ontarians who have no fucking clue what to do with their lives, I got on the plane to Vancouver with everything I had in the world and a couple thousand dollars in the bank. This was going to be the best thing ever.

It wasn't. But it totally wasn't the worst thing ever either. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for getting off that plane at YVR on September 20, 2003.

The best friend isn't my best friend any more. In fact I've talked to her three times in 8 years.

I haven't spoken to the guy I met on the internet in more than 2 years, and that was the first time I'd spoken to him in 4 years before that. He disappeared off the internet in 2010 and I just have no idea where he might be.

In fact, of everyone who was in my life at the time, I don't speak to any of them. Connections lost, none of them I particularly miss. I'm pretty good with all of it.

Nine years on the Left Coast. It's been real.

Or something.

*pound*pound*pound*

Today has been a day of few words for me. Hardly spoke at all at work, spent 2.5 hours at a meeting where someone else spoke, then had a brief discussion of my evening out with Joe before he returned to his math-doing.

Now I sit down to fill a page of words and nothing comes.

I have this quote I read bouncing around in my skull:

"Real life is far more fucked up than you can imagine."

I agree. I want to have 750 words about  how that is true for me, or for others or for SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS TEXT BOX full of words that don't matter and don't mean anything to me.

But I don't. I've got yet another blog post full of fucking angst about how I'm not writing. Or I'm not writing the way I would like to be.

I will continue to bang my head against the desk until it comes together.

Trying the Blogger Android app

It's super basic and from the reviews it's shite at posting photos but we'll see if this is a format worth future consideration.
I'm awake far too late (again) because of my 6-hour catatonic state yesterday. I even forced myself out of bed at 10:30am in hopes that less than 6 hours asleep would have me exhausted by 11pm.
No such luck because I mainlined caffeine all day to fight the fatigue I don't want to show. It's just wearing off now. Sleep may happen in the next 60 minutes if I am lucky.
I've been thinking about what I would do if I won a $50 million Lotto Max and I've decided that I would split the money in 3- Joe, me and Us. My third I would put away enough capital to earn $200K a year in after tax income and the rest I would give away to my friends and some family to make their lives easier/better.
I think about this a lot. I think about it most when I realize I have forgotten to purchase a ticket.
Goodnight.

The Lost Day

"May cause drowsiness. Do not operate machinery."

I couldn't even operate consciousness.

The good news is my three day headache is gone. The bad news is that I completely lost an entire day to unconsciousness.

My To-Do list has become much shorter. I am also starving because I haven't eaten since 9AM.

Have you ever just sat there, stunned that everything you'd planned to do that day is just not possible, so now you're just not sure where to start?

That's where I am at; confused, kind of bleary and hungry.

Think I need to stop what I am doing, sort my thoughts and find some food.

Stupid sinus pills.

I haz a sad.

There will be no hockey in Hockeyville.

My dad says no hockey until Christmas. I've known this for months, but I didn't really want to believe it.

2005 was a terrible winter. I'm surprised I didn't take up with the NFL then. I don't want to go through that again.

I think Gary Bettman is an asshole and a detriment to the game.

I think the owners need to realize that they will make $0 from hockey games if there is no hockey. Most billionaires don't like to lose out on revenue.

I also think that the players deserve more than 50% of the revenue because without them... there is no revenue. THAT, to quote Bill Clinton - Secretary of Explaining Shit, is just arithmetic.

That said, I'm not going to quibble about how much more than 50% the players deserve. That's Donald Fehr's job.

I miss hockey so much. June was so long ago, and now... now it seems even further away.

Sad.

Sad flailing

I am officially a math widow. Calculus, Statistics for Science Majors, and 300 level programming have left me spouse-less until December.

Who wants to hang out more regularly?
Who wants to watch football with me on Sundays?
Who wants to entertain me?

Someone come visit me.

The person who invented math? I hate that guy.

Ifs

I was as sure then as I am now that it was the best choice I could have made at the time and I am as certain now as I was then that I did the right thing.

It was the path that was going to lead me to a new life, and it did, just not the life I thought I wanted to walk into. This one is much better. This one has different limitations.

If it had lasted. If I hadn't caught him in bed with a young woman I knew from high school who was mainly trying to get even for me dating her ex-"fiancé" 9 months after they had broke up. If hadn't been drinking so much. If I hadn't been drinking so often. If hadn't been trying to cram myself into a gender stereotype that didn't fit.

If I hadn't been trying to find a way to live with myself and what I was told I should be ashamed of.

If I hadn't learned the lessons...

Today would be my 19th wedding anniversary. The 19th anniversary doesn't come with a traditional gift, so I can't even crack wise about missing out on the "papier maché"or "aluminum foil" anniversary.

I could have been married for exactly half my life today had he not had the sense to cheat on me and treat me so terribly that I had to go looking for Plan B. That's the truth of it. I would be someone completely different than I am now if he hadn't done that.

For the record, my Plan B was terrible. But it got me to the place where I read the books that changed my mind, which led me to the place where I learned about the internet and through the internet I figured out how to use my words. And when I finally, FINALLY, learned to use my words I realized that the guy had done me a favour. I had limited my life to what I thought was expected of someone of whom little was expected as soon as he handed me the ring. The failure of our marriage after seven and a half months (plus three additional months of drama, emotional blackmail, threats, violence, reconciliation, more drama, more threats and spending a night in jail) was the humiliation I needed to reconsider my future.

Not that I saw it like that at the time. Oh no, I was mad. Mad in the English sense of the word, not the North American one. I was broken and fallen and tired of living and I would not turn 20 until the week before the drama ended.

I didn't know it then but I know it now, my divorce was the first step I took toward saving my own life.

Rob, I have no clue where you are but I hope that you are happy. I also hope that you are as happy as I am that this isn't our wedding anniversary.

Pep talk

I need a new job. I just can't take the chaotic upheaval that happens every time my boss shows up feeling like he's late or missing something. It's exhausting.

So...

I've been trying to talk myself into turning out a serious, serious job hunt; complete with networking events, cold calls and harassing everyone I know well enough to harass about my job hunt.

The thought of it is exhausting and spirit smashing all at once.

I can do this. It might take forever to be successful, but I can find a new job.

I hope.

"And that, of course, is a cat."

I went to the TheatreSports Improv drop-in class at the community centre on Granville Island yesterday afternoon with an old friend that I've known since kindergarten. We haven't seen each other in over 20 years, and have lived about 30 minutes apart for the past 5 years. Yesterday we finally made plans to do something, and improv class, food, drink, gelato and a long walk were the order of the day.

We talked about the past in ways that made me extremely grateful I started dating smarter men in my 20s and relieved I decided to get the fuck out of my home town so many years ago.

Improv class was fun, challenging and tiring. Playing "Build a Story One Word at a Time" is exceedingly difficult when your partner is there because his ESL teacher has suggested it as a fun way to work on his English. It's also difficult to play a game that has ONE RULE with someone who can't seem to remember that single rule. It's maddening to be left hanging out to dry like that. There is also a tonne of walking in improv class. I had to sit down twice that I remember. Maybe three times.

We met a lovely young man named Ed from Salisbury, Wiltshire, England. He is 28. He loves it here in Vancouver but his girlfriend most decidedly does not. He had a drink with us before heading off to meet up with his girlfriend. That is pretty much everything I know about Ed.

I don't want to be an actor. That much is clear.

It happened again.

I went on "vacation". I went back to work.

I've just finished my second week back and I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror in the bathroom at work... and it hit me like a tonne of bricks.

Let me fill you in on this. I work for an elderly man who should have been retired 20 years ago. Or more. He has no clients come to the office. He solicits no new business. He has not changed his business practices since 1976 and hasn't upgraded any of his technology or software since 2003. His office is still on dial-up.

So, all I have to do is shut up and type, file, make statements and answer the phone. He does not care what we wear to work, he cares that we show up for work.

I'm fairly certain that his assistant accountant has come to work in her pyjamas multiple times.

I'm really certain that his office assistant who's working on the archival/document destruction project wore the same clothes to work three days in a row last week.

After looking in the mirror at work I'm pretty sure that I stopped giving a shit. My clothes are clean and I don't look like an unmade bed. I didn't, however, put product in my hair or put on make up. I wore board shorts and skate shoes, a tshirt and a hoodie, a baseball cap and a pair of knock off Wayfarers. I carried a massive black and white tote bag because it is big enough to hold all my crap AND two bottles of wine or four liters of soup.

I realized that I wore something similar on Wednesday and Tuesday and pretty much all last week. I stopped giving a shit about how I look the day after I returned to work.

I have been here before, and I'm kind of pleased that I noticed after only two weeks. I am treating this as a wake-up call. I need a new job. I need one now. I can't have this job suck the life out of me for a second time.

***

The last glass of wine (well a little shy of a standard serving) was not as yummy as the first and second nights, but still drinkable.

***

I have never considered doing improvisational comedy as a hobby or interest (I'm more of a stand-up kinda woman) but I am apparently going to the TheatreSports League Open Drop-In tomorrow afternoon. What the hell, I've got a husband trying to finish an album using his brand-new and completely awesome Reason software and who's started Week One of The Year of Calculus; it's not like we had plans.

Under the Weather

My hips are on strike today. I can barely walk. They are better than they were at 6 AM  but man they just suck. They hurt a little bit, but mostly they just don't work.

I hate having MS. I never can get comfortable with my routine because today my body just broke for no reason. It was fine yesterday.

"You were fine yesterday."

"You were fine this morning."

"You were fine an hour ago."

How many times have I heard that - said that to myself too - and it always sounds like I'm having a failing pointed out. It feels like an accusation of cheating or faking. It feels like I'm just not good enough.

***

I really like Joe Biden. I don't care who knows that.

***

What's left of this wine is still really good.

***

I understand my thoughts aren't rational. But I hate using MS as an excuse. Then I remember there is a big difference between an excuse and a reason.

MS is a reason why I can't do things. I hate it. Though I think that I prefer to have a reason than the excuse of my own procrastination or neglect.